Agent K [To Jeebs]
I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.
Played by Patricia McPherson 
Men in Black (1997) · 55 quotes
Men in Black (1997) · 55 quotes
Most-quoted character in Men in Black (1997): in 30 of its 55 quotes
Most scenes with: Agent J (17), Dr. Laurel Weaver (5), James Darrell Edwards / Agent J (3)
You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of...!
More lines from Agent K
7 quotes Agent K Agent K A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it.
Agent K 1,500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Agent K That is a lot of fun; it's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why: human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?
Agent K [After J accidentally activates a device that causes havoc around the headquarters]
This thing caused the 1977 New York blackout. Practical joke by the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
Agent K [To Beatrice]
No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of.
Agent K [When goading the bug into eating him]
Hey! Hey, bug! Wait a minute, I'm talking to you. You know how many of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper? You're nothing but a smear on the sports page to me, you slimy, gut-sucking intestinal parasite! Eat me! EAT ME!!!
Scenes with Agent K
22 scenes Agent K You don't happen to know what alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Damn. Alex said--
Agent K [To Zed on a phone-like device]
Zed, we have a Bug.
What, we don't like Bugs?
Agent K Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, and thrive on the death and destruction of other species.
Agent K [Interrupts]
Slick, imagine a giant cockroach — with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a REAL short temper — is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar-suit. That sound like fun?
When was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Agent K About six months ago, it's a company policy.
Right. You should make another appointment.
Agent K No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home.
[Talking to Agent K in the MIB elevator]
All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next-level shit going on around here, and I'm with that. But before y'all get to beaming me up, there's just a few things you should know. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills. And I want nobody calling me 'son' or 'kid' or 'sport' or nothing like that, cool?
Agent K Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills... [Elevator doors open revealing MIB's massive headquarters] As of right now, they mean precisely 'dick'.
Agent K [Opens a pair of large doors revealing shelves of advanced weaponry. Grabs a large gun and holds it in front of Agent J]
Series 4 Deatomizer.
Now that's what I'm talkin' about.
Agent K [Pulls the weapon away and presents another, much smaller weapon to Agent J]
Noisy Cricket.
Aw, Kay? Nah, nah, come on, man! You get a Series 4 Deatomizer, I get a little Midget Cricket? [Absentmindedly points the gun at Kay as he is speaking]
Agent K [Grabs Agent J's arm and points the gun away from him]
Whoa!
[Continues to stare at the weapon in disbelief]
I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!
Agent K We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! In case you've forgotten, there's an alien battle cruiser--
Agent K There's always an alien battle cruiser, or a Corellian death ray, or an intergalactic plague intended to wipe out life on this miserable little planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
Agent K [In the morgue, discussing the dead Arquillian]
What do you think?
[Speaking about Laurel]
Veeery interesting. She's got a real 'Queen of the Undead' thing going on there.
Agent K Of the body.
Oh, great body.
Agent K [Frustrated]
The dead body.
Agent K Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Agent K One hour.
One hour. Then what?
[The message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB - DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED. SORRY."]
Oh, that's bullshit! [The countdown begins]
Edgar/The Bug
[To J and K after they shoot down his escape ship]
OH, YOU IDIOTS! You don't get it! I've won. It's over. YOU'RE MILK-SUCKERS! You don't matter! In fact, in a few seconds, you won't even be matter.
Agent K You're under arrest for violating number 4-1-53 of the Tycho Treaty.
So hand over whatever galaxy you may be holding, step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head.
Edgar/The Bug
I see. I put my hands... on... on my head. [Does so] Like this? [Starts ripping off his rotting disguise, revealing himself as a huge, monstrous cockroach-like alien. He then swallows J and K's weapons and knocks them aside]
Agent K That didn't at all go the way I planned.
[As he and K approach a drug dealer with a pug dog]
That's the worst disguise ever. That guy's definitely an alien.
Frank the Pug
(is the dog)
If you don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.
Agent K Busy, Frank?
Frank
Sorry, Kay. I can't talk right now, my ride's leaving in-- [K grabs him] Whoa! Get yer paws off me!
Agent K [Aloud]
Call the pound, we got a stray!
Agent K [To Frank]
Arquillians and Bugs, Frank. What do you know about them?
Frank
I know nothing.
Agent K Not a thing? [Starts to shake him]
Frank
[Yelping]
Whoa! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Okay, okay. Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit Arquillian. He was the guardian of a whole galaxy. They thought he'd be safe here on Earth.
Agent K And the Bug had other plans?
Frank
That galaxy is the best source of subatomic energy in the universe. If the Bugs get their slimy claws on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye!
Agent K [To Frank]
Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on Orion's belt. What's he talking about, Frank?
Frank
Beats me.
Agent K Beat you? Ok. [Shakes him more violently, even rolling him over in mid-air]
Frank
[Whilst being shaken]
THE GALAXY IS HERE!!!
Agent K What do you mean "here"?
The galaxy's hundreds and millions of stars and planets. How's it here?
Frank
You humans. When're you gonna learn that size doesn't matter? Just 'cause something's important, doesn't mean it's not very, very small.
Agent K How small?!
Frank
Tiny. Like the size of a marble or a jewel. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta be walked before my flight. [K puts him down]
Agent K [K asks J to use the Neuralyzer to wipe his memory, as he wants to go back to the life he had with his girlfriend 35 years ago] [To Agent J]
They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never really look at them anymore, but they actually are quite... beautiful.
Uh, Kay? You're frightening your partner.
Agent K [Pointing to the various buttons on the Neuralyzer]
Days, months, years. Always face it forward.
Agent K [Agent J puts on his glasses and loads the Neuralyzer]
See ya round, J.
No, you won't. [The Neuralyzer's flash beam eclipses the screen]
[after telling J that they're going to check the "hot sheets," K buys some tabloid newspapers]
These are the hot sheets?
Agent K Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.
Agent K ¿Qué dices si te rompo la cara?(What do you say if I break your face?) [the guy smiles and nods. He stops, and his own smile broadens, and he drops a hand on the guy's shoulder] No hablas ni una palabra del español, ¿ verdad, amigo? (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) [again, the guy smiles and nods. He looks back at Agent D] We got a winner. [to the others] Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!)
Agent K [At MIB headquarters, K diverts James from following the other recruits to an "eye exam" that will erase their memories.]
Where are you going?
Yo. Hey, man, what the hell is all this?
Agent K [The two begin walking; K hands James a file]
Back in the mid-1950s, the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.
[noticing a picture of K giving an alien flowers]
Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers.
Agent K [points]
This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the Earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see the movie Casablanca? [James nods] Same thing, except no Nazis.
Oh.
Agent K We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing.
[looking at the picture]
Uh-huh. So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was just a cover-up for their landing.
Agent K Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year, and they live among us in secret.
Um, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Agent K 'Bout six months ago; it's company policy.
Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but, uh... [handing the file back] ...why don't you show me the door?
Agent K All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time, there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough; they're just trying to make a living.
Cab drivers.
Agent K No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things.
But why? Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
Agent K A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
What's the catch?
Agent K The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. [walks away]
Hey! Is it worth it?
Agent K Oh yeah, it's worth it... if you're strong enough.
[Agent K shows James around MIB headquarters.]
Hey, uh, what--what branch of the government do we report to?
Agent K Well, none. They ask too many questions.
So who pays for all this?
Agent K We hold the patents on a few gadgets that we confiscated from out-of-state visitors, um...Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction... [shows James a tiny disc] This is a fascinating little gadget. It's going to replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the White Album again. [points out another device] Oh, that is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why.
Agent K [turns it on; it plays a distorted echo of his words]
Human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. [turns it off] That kinda makes you proud, doesn't it, huh?
[J is amazed to see K gathering up tabloid magazines as "hot sheets" at a newsstand]
These are the hot sheets!?
Agent K Best investigative reporting on the planet. Go ahead, read The New York Times if you want to. They get lucky sometimes. [pays vendor] Thanks, Manny.
Cannot believe you lookin' for tips in the supermarket tabloids!
Agent K Not looking for. [tosses one onto car hood, with headline: "Terrified Farm Wife Says: 'Alien Stole My Husband's Skin'] Found.
Agent K [neuralyzing Beatrice after she tells them her story]
Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus.
Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one?
Agent K A standard issue Neuralyzer.
And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Agent K Yeah. [to Beatrice] On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off.
Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, you kicked him out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, 'cause, damn!
[Beatrice is looking at J with a blank stare]
Look at this.
What the hell was that?
Alien Rosenberg
[J touches Rosenberg’s ear and it unlocks the head showing a small control room containing alien Rosenberg] [struggling to speak]
Must.....To Prevent.....Contest.
It's okay. What are you tryna say?
Alien Rosenberg
Prevent.
Prevent. Struggle?
Alien Rosenberg
[shaking his head]
No...To Prevent.
War?
Alien Rosenberg
[nodding his head up and down slowly]
War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word?
Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt?
[Rosenberg nods as the control room shuts down and he dies; Orion looks down from a ledge and meows]
"To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt." What the hell does that mean? [to K] Dr., uh...Whatever, come here.
Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?
Agent K Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.
I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.
[still disoriented from being neuralyzed]
Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Agent K Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. [neuralyzes her again]
[before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer]
Would you stop that?!
Agent K What?!
That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or somethin'!
Agent K Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
"Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?!
Agent K Couple.
So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
Agent K A little.
K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Agent K No.
I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?!
Agent K No.
[As K and J arrive at the morgue to get Orion]
Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one?
Agent K What?
Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat; it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashin' your brain ray all in her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor; she don't need you flashin' away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
Agent K Two minutes.
[J goes in and K waits outside]
Agent K [Facing off with the Bug in the morgue, as he holds Laurel at gunpoint]
Freeze it, Bug!
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Christ, you are thick!
Look, how was I supposed to know?!
What did I have to do, sing it for you?!
Well, if you weren't comin' on like some drunken prom date...!
Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...!
Edgar/Bug
Oh, everybody shut up!
Agent K Let her go, shiteater.
Edgar/Bug
Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?!
Agent K You're breakin' my heart. Show me your face, and I'll cure all your ills.
Edgar/Bug
You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?!
Agent K How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office?
Edgar/Bug
Put your weapons down!
Agent K Never gonna happen, insect.
It's okay, Laurel.
How...is...it...okay?
I'm sayin’ it's gon' be okay.
Edgar/Bug
Don't bet on it, meatsack! [takes Laurel, who screams, and jumps out the window onto the street]
[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship]
Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? [the Bug turns toward J with a enraged snarl] Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? [points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it] Y'know y'all look alike. [enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him] Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? [squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger] See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. [Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J] My attitude is: don't start nuttin', won't be nuttin’! [crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger] You need to ease up out my face 'fore somethin' bad happen to you. [K loads up his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles] Too late.
Agent K [K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. They are covered in bug guts. J picks up the galaxy.] [calling headquarters]
Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy.
Agent K I like this gun.
Yeah, well, while you were in there playin' around, I was down here doin' all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two-by-four. He kicked me. Y'know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was "yah!" with the fire.
Agent K [Unknown to them, the half of the Bug creeps up to them]
Not bad for your second day of work is it?
This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter.
Agent K Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68.
[Half of the Bug appears behind them, about to eat them, but is blasted to pieces. They turn around to see Laurel, who's holding the big gun] [grinning]
Interesting job you guys have.
K, um, look. I know we got these rules and everything, but I was thinkin'. She did help us bust that Bug; maybe we didn't have to flashy-thing her. [K pulls out the neuralyzer] K, come on, man. What - who's she gon' tell? She hang out with all dead people.
Agent K It's not for her. It's for me.
What?
Agent K [looking up at the sky]
They're beautiful, aren't they? Stars. You know, I never look at them anymore, but they actually are quite, um...beautiful.
Uh, K, you're frightening your partner.
Agent K I haven't been training a partner; I've been training a replacement.
Wait a minute, K. I cannot do this job by myself.
Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island.
Agent K [pointing out neuralyzer controls to J]
Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. [hands it to J]
K...
Agent K I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach, kid. That's one of a hundred memories that I don't want. [J puts on his sunglasses] See you around, James.
