So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
Some **** named John Hughes.
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
You know that guy too? That **** guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. **** Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. **** Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse than watching a ****in' fat man weep.
What exactly brought you to Illinois?
See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. [Silent Bob raises a finger.] Except for Judd Nelson, he was **** harsh! [He and Silent Bob bump fists.] But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the **** we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are **** bullshit.
When are you going back to Jersey?
Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?
I didn't ask you out for sex.
I'll take head.
This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
Really?
You're going to lead me somewhere.
Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna ****, then what the **** did you ask us out for?
Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, **** dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?
Do you believe in God?
Holy ****! [to Silent Bob] All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the **** outta here- [both get up to leave]
No, wait!
I'll scream rape.
I can pay you.
Pay? [he and Silent Bob sit back down]
A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.
[to Silent Bob]
I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that **** up bar! [to Bethany] What about sex?
No sex.
All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you **** us then?
In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.
Yeah? [to Silent Bob] She's the slut. Booong!
