Serendipity I'm a muse, stupid!
Played by Salma Hayek Pinault 
Dogma (1999) · 170 quotes
Dogma (1999) · 170 quotes
7th most-quoted character in Dogma (1999): in 14 of its 170 quotes
Most scenes with: Bethany Sloane (6), Rufus (5), Jay (4)
I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing, like some Catholics. You people don't celebrate your faith. You mourn it.
More lines from Serendipity
6 quotes Serendipity Serendipity What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see, [raises skirt] I lack definition!
Serendipity It doesn't really take a muse to inspire horny **** to empty their wallets.
Serendipity The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. [commenting on the Bible]
Serendipity Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up!
Serendipity So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's "the King"... and you're a schmuck.
Scenes with Serendipity
7 scenes
(Rufus has recognized the girl at the strip club as the muse Serendipity.)
I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity Three years this August.
Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Oh, this girl's no woman.
Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
This is the last Scion.
Serendipity You're kidding. Wow!
I'm confused.
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity I used to be an abstract.
Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity I'm a muse, stupid!
Serendipity I used to specialize in entertainment. For example, I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Nineteen?
Serendipity ...Yeah... The one about the kid by himself in his house, burglars are trying to come in and he fights them off? Ah! (she makes a Macaulay Culkin face) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
What are you doing stripping?
Serendipity Well, you remember why I left, right?
You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
Serendipity So, I opted to quit being a muse. I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to seek my fortune.
So what happened?
Serendipity ... Writer's block. Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Whose?
Serendipity God's.
You're saying God's a woman?
Serendipity Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
He's always referred to as "He".
Serendipity Well, that's not the way I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. So "She" became a "He".
Serendipity Why is the last scion here?
Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
Serendipity Not the plenary indulgence loophole.
You know about that?
Serendipity I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Serendipity Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Ever the **** apple polisher.
So, what happened?
Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
Serendipity But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
Serendipity So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Serendipity Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bartleby and Loki.
[he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out]
After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Serendipity [correcting Azrael]
Her. And how? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
Serendipity [gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael]
Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
[calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her]
Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.
[Bethany and her group have arrived at the church]
Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Are we too late?
Serendipity To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Where are they?
They could already be in the church.
Serendipity Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Are you **** kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Why don't they just kill themselves?
It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
[looking up]
Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
[realizing who she is]
The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
[grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck]
Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.
Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender
Never heard of it.
Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity Don't...
Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Get it?
Serendipity [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared]
Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany]
Serendipity Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
