Cardinal Glick quotes from Dogma (1999)

Cardinal Glick

People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey.

Cardinal Glick

Christ didn't come to earth to give us the willies! He came to help us out. He was a booster.

Cardinal Glick

Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. But if we can let 'em know the Catholic church has a little panache, we can win 'em back - even get some new ones. Excuse me. (he practice-putts a golf ball into an overturned chalice) Fill them pews, people! That's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.

Rufus

Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick

Christ, if only we had their numbers...

Cardinal Glick

So, I assume you're looking to help out in some way.

Bethany

We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.

Cardinal Glick

...I beg your pardon?

Bethany

There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.

Cardinal Glick

Are you... pro-choice?

Bethany

No, no. The trouble's not from us. It's from these two renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues — (Rufus nudges her) Um, these guys, they think they're renegade angels.

Rufus

See, Padre, it goes down like this. These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go straight to Heaven.

Cardinal Glick

You want me to call off the ceremony for that? Who sent you?

Rufus

We were sent by Him who is called "I am"!

Cardinal Glick

Cute. Really cute. Listen, kids, play-time with the cardinal is over.

Rufus

Worked for Moses.

Bethany

Stay out of this.

Cardinal Glick

Let's go.

Bethany

Your Eminence, this isn't a joke

Rufus

I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.

Cardinal Glick

The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.

Rufus

Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany

And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?

Cardinal Glick

...All right, mistakes were made, but you can't hold Holy Mother Church responsible for the mistakes of old! Now I'm a very important man with very important business to attend to, so if you please!

Bethany

But tomorrow--

Cardinal Glick

Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear? Neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself, is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch!

Cardinal Glick

Now, let me tell you a little bit of history about this particular hundred-years-young house of God.
Bartleby (emerging from crowd): God's house? God doesn't live here anymore! He's grown weary of your superficial faith. He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He has abandoned you, His favorites, to the whim of judgment. Hypocrites, charlatans, prepare to taste God's wrath!

Loki

Maybe we should just leave.

Bartleby

You wanted your body count, you got it. This crowd is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.

Cardinal Glick

Officer McGhee?

All right, mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride.

Bartleby

Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Is that so?

Bartleby

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of violations against our Almighty God. And this very day, I assure you, you will pay for your trespasses, in blood! (to Loki) Wings. Now.

Loki

I'm feeling a little exposed, here.

Bartleby

Do it!