Salma Hayek Pinault movie quotes

View Quote I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing, like some Catholics. You people don't celebrate your faith. You mourn it.

View Quote The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. [commenting on the Bible]

View Quote So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's "the King"... and you're a schmuck.

View Quote When you only have one life, that's what makes it special.

View Quote It just never fails. Whenever I team up with you, things go wrong!

View Quote You know what trust gets you? A sock, a rock and a swim in the river.

View Quote Something happened to the world and nobody understood it. It was confusing and people started jumping to conclusions. There are no more absolutes. Time, space, good, evil - the things we know the things we believe in the things we see we thought we understood these things. But maybe we don't, maybe they're all relative.

View Quote Steve: I'm going crazy...
Monica: See, that's different! I thought it was your everyday garden-variety existential crisis. But crazy is different.

View Quote Steve: ... It changes everything.
Monica: It's supposed to change everything, Steve.
[pause]
Steve:Love, right? ... But suppose it doesn't last? I got to hang on to what I have besides this ...

View Quote As long as I am the last.

View Quote Typical men. They put it in and take it out like bitch why you take it out, and then trade it in for some cow.

View Quote And this must be your mother.

View Quote Congratulations, Pirate Captain, Nobody deserves this more than you.

View Quote Hello, Boys. You're probably all wondering, If I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful. Well, I am.

View Quote And that beard of yours, it drives me, crazy.

View Quote [Teresa Del Taco has Brenda, Lavash, and Sammy hide in the Mexican Bar's tight closet with her]
Tequila: [walks inside] Okay, I got them right here, amigo. I-- "SHIT!" [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
Lavash: [squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.] Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: "Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey, why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
Brenda: [gasps] Who?
Teresa: The one they call... El Dou-che. [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
Mexican Food Product 1: [quietly] El Dou-che.
Mexican Food Product 2: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Mexican Food Product 3: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So, you dragged me over to this **** aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So, where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Refried Beans: Qué?
Douche: Beans, I swear to **** God if you don't shut the **** up!
Brenda: [looks out from the closet] Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here!
Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll **** kill your asses" did you not understand, Tequila?!
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
Douche: [calms down] Ah, bro, come here, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something **** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
Salsa: No way! José!
Douche: YES WAY! José's **** dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and get stronger muscles]
Teresa Del Taco: [watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids] Madre puta, madre puta. [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
El Guaco: Ay! Right in my guac and balls!
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the SAUSAGE and the bun!

View Quote Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren: It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
Darren: [last words before his death] Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
[Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Frank: Ah, help me!
Gum: Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Gum: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
Douche: ****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can]
Douche: [last words before his death] What's happening out there?!
Barry: Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
Coconut Milk: So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
Peanut: [While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory] Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Tampon: Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]

View Quote Frank: We did it.
Brenda: We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank: Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
Brenda: Oh! Oh, Frank!
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
Sammy: You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash: Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Sammy: Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash: I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Vash: So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Sammy: Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash: You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
[Both kiss]
Brenda: Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank: Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Teresa: Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Mr. Grits: Jesus **** Christ!
Firewater: Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks: Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
Mr Grits: Oh, shit. Now it's on.
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.]
Meat Loaf: [Two liquor bottle flash him.] Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Squash: Oh!
Barry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Barry: Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally: Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry: You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Mr. Grits: Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum: [As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.] Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank: [As Brenda chokes him.] I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy: What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda: [As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.] Oh, yeah. **** you!
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Vash: Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy: [Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face] Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
Barry: I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Sammy: Oh.
Frank: [Exclaims]
Brenda: Oh!
Teresa: Oh, ****!
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy: Oooooh!
Lavash: My dick is drained.

View Quote I'm called Kitty Softpaws, because I'll steal you blind and you'll never notice that I'm there.

View Quote [To Puss; in sing-song voice] Someone forgot his money!