[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]
What the hell are you doing?
Brodie Finishing my game.
No, you promised me breakfast.
Brodie Breakfast? Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
What? Do you know that kid or something?
Brodie I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
Brodie Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Brodie Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!
Brodie You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--
Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Brodie For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--
Brodie --or a boat show--
Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious **** disappointment.
Brodie [Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]
Hey, what's going on in there?
Steve-Dave Pulasti I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Brodie Warned?! What the **** are you talking about?!
WF Walt "Fanboy" Grover
Tell him, Steve-Dave.
Brodie **** you, Fan Boy!
Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
Brodie [in elevator]
What the hell gives at the cover boy?
None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.
Brodie Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Brodie, start the elevator.
Brodie No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?
Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.
Brodie Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!
Brodie The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Brodie Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.
[T.S. notices something on a table]
What's that?
Brodie Like it? I framed it before you got here.
Oh my God, Rene dumped you!
Brodie Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.
Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--
Brodie Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.
Whoa, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie You say that like it's bad.
Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.
Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.
Brodie What are you talking about?
Just like you, now I'm in the framing business.
Brodie Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?
Yeah, she left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.
Brodie Where?
Brodie You're kidding! What part?
When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Brodie Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
Brodie I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--
Brodie She was going down on me at the time.
Brodie What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
[sarcastically]
We just nailed it in your case.
Brodie No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
Brodie No, you idiot, the **** mall!
Brodie Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.
Brodie Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--
Gwen You ****er!
Brodie [In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
See, that's what you get for **** with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
Gwen He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
Brodie I'm not glowing.
[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
What's he doing?
Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy **** thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Knock it off.
Brodie The Force is strong with this one.
Dude, don't encourage him.
Brodie So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.
Brodie Why him?
Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Mother****er's like McGyver--no, mother****er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!
Brodie Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
Brodie He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Brodie Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
Brodie The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!
Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those **** mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you **** live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon punches Brodie]
Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's **** clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to **** them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
No. More like someplace girls dread.
[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, but Shannon gives him another beat-down]
You're **** kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
Brodie All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Brodie Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
What the hell happened?
The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie I had it coming.
**** all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
What really happened?
Brodie The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen Shannon Hamilton?
Gwen I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie Sounds like his M.O.
Brodie You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie Really? Why?
What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the **** Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and **** bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.
Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?
Brodie Already did once today. [points to Rene and smirks] But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
[The audience is stunned speechless]
Well, did he ****, or what?
Brodie Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
Second suitor, if you could be any comic book superhero, which one would you be?
Brodie [Impressed]
Wow, that is a good question. Difficult, though; what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen deductive skills? The ability to banter well with super villains?
[Figuring out who he is]
How's the comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie Oh, it's going good, but-- [T.S hits him] Oh, oh, comics? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!
Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
GH Gil' Hicks
Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Brodie So you love them?
Brodie Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
God damn, This is one wacky game show.
Brodie [to the cops]
Hey! That girl's only 15!
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
There was a time when it was all about comics for me, you know? I-- I had a girl, probably the same as yours. She always complained that I spent too much time with my own comics and, er, eventually we broke up.
Brodie See, what did she know? Here you are now, a legend in the field, probably had a slew of woman since her! Am I right?
Oh, lots of women. Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. As a matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.
Brodie Damn, that's hot!
But I never forgot that girl.
Doctor Doom wears body armor to conceal his own mangled form, right?
Brodie Yeah.
Okay. That was me beneath the armor. The Hulk! A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next, just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.
Brodie So you created each character as a way to deal with your one big regret.
Yeah. The girl that got away. Look, do yourself a favor Brodie -- don't wait. Because all the money, all the women, even all the comic books in the world, they can't substitute for that one person.
Brodie I don't know, all the comics in the world?
