Simon [after meeting Jeanette]
Her glasses were quite fetching.
2nd most-quoted character in Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009): in 25 of its 58 quotes
Most scenes with: Alvin (16), Theodore (11), Ryan (4)
Glasses! Glasses! You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?! [Gets hit by a dodgeball] Right in the pancreas.
More lines from Simon
6 quotes Simon Simon [to Ryan]
And you call yourself a jock.
Simon I thought Alvin was messy. This is literally disgusting. I feel like I'm living in a dumpster!
Simon Oh, you have got to be joking. A taco? In a blanket? Toby!
Simon [not pleased to see Ian]
I thought I smelled a rat.
Simon Guys, it's a wedge-tail eagle! Their only mortal enemy is the pygmy elephant. Luckily, I speak a little pachyderm.
Scenes with Simon
18 scenes Simon [the Chipmunks answer the phone]
Be cool.
Alvin and Simon
[slowly]
Hello?
Guys, it's me.
Alvin and Simon
Dave!?
As in "Dave"?
Well, I guess since you answered the phone, you haven't burned down the house yet.
Have a little faith, Dave!
Yeah! [falls off the pot rack] Mayday! [lands on a pan, and it hits the floor]
What was that?
Simon [whispers to Alvin]
Don't stress him out.
Uh, that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah. She's cooking us a zesty five-course meal.
Really? Well, Can I talk to her?
She's practicing her pole dancing.
[Alvin and Simon look confused]
Pole dancing? What happened to making dinner? Guys, what's goin' on?
Gotta go, Dave!
Alvin, I'm not kidding!
Feel better!
ALVI–!!
Simon [Ryan and Xander have dropped Simon into the toilet]
Can't swim! Help!
Grab on, Simon! [pulls Simon out of the toilet]
Simon Thanks. [shakes himself off]
Are you okay?
Simon Well, uh, considering that you just saved me from drowning in a toilet, I'm, uh, pretty good.
I'll be right back. [walks into the corridor]
Simon Alvin, Alvin! We're not gonna solve anything with violence!
[they spot Theodore hanging in the locker room; Ryan and Xander try poking him]
It's the fatty ratty.
Cut it out!
Hey!
Yeah, little fatty.
Stop it!
Tickles when I poke him. [Alvin and Simon furiously attack Ryan and Xander] Mommy!
[the Chipmunks are sent to Dr. Rubin's office after their brawl against Ryan and Xander]
You threatened to climb inside of him and build a nest.
Simon That was out of line. I'm not even sure that's physically possible.
I should suspend all 3 of you.
Please do.
Instead, I have a better idea. Due to budget cutbacks, we are in jeopardy of losing our beloved music program.
Simon That's awful.
I know. But there is one small ray of hope. Every year, the district sponsors a music competition, and the winner's school receives $25,000. If we win, we can save our program.
Simon And you want us to perform?
'Cause I didn't think you were a fan.
Why don't you sleep on it?
[she reaches for her jacket, revealing a tattoo of the Chipmunks on her left arm, to the Chipmunks' surprise]
Wait a minute! What is that?! That's us!
I look skinny.
[shocked that they have noticed]
Promise me that you won't say anything. A principal has a certain image to uphold, and if the faculty ever found out about this, I could– [laughs excitedly and bangs on her desk] I just cannot believe that you're actually sitting in my office! I have all of your C.D.'s. I even went to see you last year in Denver. That's where I got this. [her tattoo] It was my birthday. And I was like, "Ah! The Chipmunks! Ah!". So, what do you say, will you represent our school?
Honestly, suspension still sounds pretty good to me.
Come on, Alvin. Whattaya say? One for all, and 3 for one.
Simon Well put, Theodore. Very well put. Count us in!
Go, Eagles!
Eagles?! Where?!
Dave!
Dave!
Simon Dave, you're alive!
Hey, guys!
It was an accident, I swear!
Are you okay?
I'm really sorry, Dave.
I'll be fine. I'm just going to be stuck here for a while. And until I get out, I've made arrangements for my Aunt Jackie to come stay with you.
Who's Aunt Jackie?
The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.
Oh, Popcorn Jackie.
[Back at West Eastman, the Chipmunks are eating lunch with Becca, Valentina, Emily and the other girls they rizzed up earlier in homeroom]
So, I'm on Jay-Z's yacht, right? And I say, "Jay, where's Beyonce?" And he says, "She's holding a plate full of cheese balls, turn around." And guess what? She was!
Girls
[laugh]
Simon P.S., Dave left me in charge. Stayin' up 'til ten, every night. Oh, yeah.
Girls
[laugh]
Hey girls, look what I can do! [places a tater tot on the end of a fork and stomps on the part that pokes the food, sending the tater tot flying into the air, which he catches in his mouth]
Girls
Aw!
Becca You are Theodore-able!
Thank you!
Emily You're so cute!
[walks by, "accidentally on purpose" knocking Alvin's food tray onto the floor]
Oops! Oh, I am so sorry!
[looks over the edge of the table to inspect the damage, then stands back up and shrugs/smiles disarmingly]
It's cool, no harm done.
Not yet. Girls, please? Private conference. Thank you!
Girls
[sigh and roll their eyes as they get up and leave]
[places his tray on the table and looks the Chipmunks straight in the eye]
Listen up, rock stars. If you talk to those girls again, you're dead. If you look at those girls again, you're dead. If you even think about those girls...are you thinking about them?
Well, I am now...
That's it. You're DEAD! [tries to catch the Chipmunks, but they run out of the cafeteria]
The Chipmunks
Run!!!
Xander, come on! Get back here, you dirty rats!
[The Chipmunks jump onto a stair railing and slide down, with Ryan, Xander and five other boys in hot pursuit.]
Hang ten, bros!
Simon [Reaching the bottom of the stairs, the Chipmunks jump off the railing.]
Scatter!
[Simon and Theodore scurry in different directions, and Alvin hides behind the staircase, watching Ryan running after Simon.]
Go, go! That way! Over there!
[comes up with an idea to distract Ryan]
Oh, Ryan! [runs up the stairs, Ryan hot on his trail] Hey, slowpokes! Catch me if you can!
[When Alvin reaches the top of the stairs, trying to run away, Xander blocks him.]
You're dead, furball!
Not! [jumps out of the way right as Ryan and Xander lunge at him] It's wedgie time! [gives Ryan a wedgie]
Oh, my butt!!
[gives Xander a wedgie and scurries off, laughing maniacally]
Ryan and Xander
[stand up, holding their lower backs and grunting in pain]
[Meanwhile, Theodore, having gotten away from the bullies, hides behind a bench, catching his breath.]
Oh, boy. [His eyes land on a large foot with talons, belonging to a giant eagle statue] Uh, eagle. AH! Eagle! Eagle! [runs away]
AH! Bully! Bully!
[Theodore and Simon run away quickly. Simon runs into the bathroom, trying to escape.]
This way, this way! [catches Simon] Gotcha!
Simon Guys, wait, wait! Timeout!
It's swirlie time! [he and Xander take Simon into a stall.]
Simon Come on, come on, guys, this is so 1980s-- [Xander flushes the toilet and Ryan holds Simon by the tail.] --AAH! Please! Please! [Ryan lowers Simon into the toilet, lifts him out, and Simon coughs and sputters.] Oh man! Ugh, come on!
That-That's a good look for you.
Simon Oh, thank-- YAAH!
Simon [Ryan and Xander drop Simon into the toilet and run out of the bathroom. Alvin runs inside to look for Simon, seeing him struggling to get out of the toilet.]
Can't swim! Help!
Grab on, Simon!
Simon [grabs Alvin's tail and pulls himself out of the toilet]
Thanks. [shakes himself off]
Are you okay?
Simon Well, uh... considering that you just saved me from drowning in a toilet, I'm uh... pretty good.
I'll be right back. [walks out of the bathroom and into the corridor, and Simon follows him, realizing what Alvin was going to do]
Simon Alvin? Alvin! We're not going to solve anything with violence.
[Simon and Alvin spot their brother hanging in the locker room. Ryan and Xander are poking Theodore's rear.]
It's the fatty ratty.
Cut it out!
This rat has serious junk in the trunk.
Hey!
Yeah, little fatty.
Stop it!
He jiggles when I poke him.
[This is the last straw for Alvin and Simon: they lunge at Ryan and Xander with fury. We cut to the outside of the school where Ryan and Xander are heard screaming.]
MOMMY!
[Later, the Chipmunks are waiting outside Dr. Rubin's office.]
Simon, does this make my butt look smaller? [lowers the bottom of his sweatshirt, covering his tail]
Simon Theodore, your butt looks fine. Those guys are just jerks.
[Ryan and Xander exit Dr. Rubin's office, their clothes torn up and claw marks all over their bodies. They flinch when they see the Chipmunks glaring at them. Alvin growls and barks viciously at them like a mad dog, forcing the bullies to flee, terrified.]
Gentlemen?
[The Chipmunks see Dr. Rubin, jump off the table they were on, and enter her office.]
You threatened to climb inside of him and build a nest.
Simon That was out of line. I'm not even sure that's physically possible.
I should suspend all three of you.
Please do.
Instead, I have a better idea. Due to budget cutbacks, we are in jeopardy of losing our beloved music program.
Simon That's awful!
I know, but there is one small ray of hope. Every year, the district sponsors a music competition. And the winner's school receives $25,000. If we win, we can save our program.
Simon And you want us to perform?
Because I didn't think you were a fan.
Why don't you sleep on it? [reaches for her jacket, revealing a tattoo of the Chipmunks' faces over a heart on her left arm]
Wait a minute, what is that?
Simon Wait wait wait wait wait...
That's us!
I look skinny.
[shocked that they noticed]
Promise me that you won't say anything. A principal has a certain image to uphold, and if the faculty ever found out about this, I could— [laughs excitedly and bangs on her desk] I just cannot believe that you're actually sitting in my office! I have all of your CDs. I even went to see you last year in Denver, that's where I got this. It was my birthday, and I was like, "Ooh, the Chipmunks!" [Alvin smiles nervously.] So, what do you say, will you represent our school?
...honestly, suspension still sounds pretty good to me.
Come on, Alvin. What do you say? One for all and three for one!
Simon Well, put, Theodore. Very well put. Count us in!
Go Eagles! [pretends to screech like an eagle]
Eagles?! Where?! [hides and looks around nervously]
Narrator on TV
[Theodore watches Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet.]
Last time we visited Meerkat Manor, a rival group called the Commandos was making large inroads into the Whiskers' territory.
Simon [walks across the coffee table, pushing aside Toby's leftover food and dirty laundry that he left all over the house.]
Ah, Toby! I thought Alvin was messy. This is literally disgusting. I feel like I'm living in a dumpster! [puts aside an uneaten apple that has only one or two bites taken out of it.]
Simon, it's Meerkat Manor, watch with me!
Simon [sighs]
You know, you're right. You're right. I just need to relax. Maybe that'll ease my nerves a little. [jumps onto the couch and sits on the blanket. Something crunches beneath him.] What is this? What...? [sees an old taco wrapped up inside the blanket] Oh, you have got to be joking. A taco? In a blanket? Toby!
Alvin... Alvin, wake up and turn off the alarm. Alvin! Alvin, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding, buddy, turn it off! Guys, guys... Boys, this isn't funny.
Hello, humane society? Yes, I need help. A man is after us. He wants to take us to a terrible place. SCHOOL!
Out!
Simon Ah, have a heart, huh?
Have a heart? Dave wants you to go to school, so you're going.
Yeah, well, don't worry about picking us up at 3, Toby. We'll get a ride... in a HEARSE!
Guys, guys, come on. [chuckles] Look, trust me. The second day is never as bad as the first.
Simon Glasses! Glasses! You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?! [gets hit by a dodgeball & thrown into the wall]
Boy 1
You're out, man!
Boy 2
Ha!
Simon [in pain]
Right in the pancreas... [passes out]
Simon Alvin, you promised Theodore we'd hang out. We are watching Meerkat Manor tonight. No pretty girls.
Dude, I can't swing it today, bro.
Simon That's what you say every day, Alvin. Need I remind you it's your day to do the laundry?
You better listen to your daddy, Alvin. You don't want to get grounded. OH!
Simon [Alvin, Simon and Theodore are watching Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet from the CRT TV at Dave's house.]
Guys, I am so happy that Ms. Ortega can rehearse with us every day after school.
Whoa, every day? But Ryan and I have—
Simon Alvin, stop right there, okay? We're a team. We need you.
Would you relax? We're not gonna lose. We'll talk about this in the morning. [hogs blanket from Simon]
Simon Not much to talk about. I will see you at rehearsal. [hogs blanket from Alvin]
Simon [hogs again]
I'm not hogging.
You might as well be rooting out truffles in the French countryside, because you are, in fact, [hogs again] HOGGING!
Simon [he and Alvin fight over a blanket]
I'm not!
Are so!
Simon Not!
So! Ah, forget it! I think I'll sleep in my own bed tonight. [jumps off the recliner]
Simon Ditto for me. [jumps off the recliner]
I'm so glad I'm not a meerkat!
Simon Oh, really? Why is that?
Because as cold as I am, I would never huddle with you!
Simon Good!
You hear me? I won't huddle!
Simon Fine!
Simon Y-you knew about this, Alvin? Does the word "brother" mean anything to you?
Yeah well, he has some new brothers now that he's on the football team.
Simon [angrily, teeth clenched]
You still haven't picked up that litter.
You want me to get rid of litter?
Simon Yeah.
Let's start with you. [picks up Simon]
Simon Hey, let go, let go! No! [Ryan throws him into a trash bin.]
Simon Okay. Alvin, I am going to put this behind us, for Theodore's sake.
I know. That's why I'm giving you the Alvin guarantee that I will be at that sing-off Friday night.
Simon Wait wait wait wait. Why wouldn't you be there?
Um, because, uh, I have a, uh.. [mumbles]
Simon What?
A... [mumbles again]
Simon [not understanding]
You have a what?
A FOOTBALL GAME! There, I said it! A football game! [Before he can react, Simon jumps on him, pushing them both into the dumpster.]
Simon [in a threatening tone]
Alvin, do NOT miss that sing-off.
Don't worry, Simon. I'll be there. I can do both.
[Alvin, Simon and Toby see Theodore in the eagle exhibit from the gate.] [shaking]
Nice eagle.
Simon Theo!
Don't move, Theodore!
No problem there.
Hang in there! Hang in there, little guy! We're gonna get you out of there! [tries to climb over the gate. Alvin and Simon run up to the fence.]
Simon Okay, okay, we need a plan. We need a carefully executed plan... [Alvin just goes for it and hops right through the fence.] Or you could just run in there like a maniac. [stays by the fence as the eagle swoops down at Theodore.]
Theo, watch out!
Hey, birdie! Over here! Are you hungry? 'Cause this "A" stands for "appetizer"!
[The eagle flies over Theodore and in front of Alvin.]
Um, let's all just relax and we'll talk this out. Okay? Look, um, I get why you want Theodore. I do. But, I'm sorry, I can't let that happen. He's my brother. Not that he'd know that, because I've been such a big jerk lately. [Theodore smiles, forgiving Alvin] If anyone deserves to be eaten, it's me. [The eagle closes in on Alvin] Whoa whoa whoa! Not literally!
[sees Alvin in trouble]
I got you, Alvin! [runs under the eagle, and taps its foot. When the eagle looks at its foot, he helps Alvin up] Move it!
Whoa!
[Theodore and Alvin make a run for the fence. Alvin gets through easily, but Theodore gets stuck.]
Theo!
Help!
Simon [The eagle advances towards the Chipmunks. While Alvin pulls Theodore's paws, Simon pushes Theodore from the other side.]
Guys, it's a wedge-tail eagle. Their only mortal enemy is the pygmy elephant. Luckily, I speak a little pachyderm. [imitates an elephant and the eagle halts for a moment.] I think it's working! [The eagle squawks and flies toward them.] Or not!
[Simon and Alvin finally get Theodore through the fence and they all escape being the eagle's breakfast. The Chipmunks run through the gate and turn around to find out that Toby has just gotten to the other side of the gate.]
Guys, that was huge.
He's right. So, are we back to one for all and three for one?
[Simon crosses his arms] [tugs on Simon's shirt]
C'mon, Simon. Hug it out. [Simon ignores him]
You know I'm sorry, Si. [when that doesn't work, he grabs Simon] Si? Don't make me have to kiss you! Because I'll do it. I don't care. Here come the lips. Make-out train is leaving the station. [tries to kiss Simon but Simon pushes him away]
Simon Think I'll, uh...I'll take that hug. [hugs Alvin and Theodore joins]
Aw, guys.
[smiles at the heartwarming scene.]
Host
[It is the night of the music competition at West Eastman: students and adults are rushing inside to the auditorium, walking past a large table of toys for Toys for Tots. Inside, the host starts speaking into a microphone.]
Welcome to West Eastman, and thank you for supporting music in our schools. Now remember, the group you pick tonight will win $25,000 for their school!
Host
[The audience cheers for that.]
Now, we've got a lot of acts, and we have to turn the Heat off at 9:30, so without any further ado, representing Orange Grove, put your hands together for Li'l Rosero!
Chris Classic
[The audience cheers as Li'l Rosero walks onstage with a boombox, turns it on, and starts breakdancing as several back-up dancers follow him onstage.]
♪ Whoo, yeah! Feels good, right? Come on! It's so classic. Let's go! In the middle of the floor, you can watch me do what I do. ♪
[Meanwhile, after a quick wardrobe change [Alvin into a black sport coat over a red t-shirt with a design that looks like if a Peace Symbol and a letter "A" got mashed together made out of gold leaf, Simon into a black jacket over a blue t-shirt, and Theodore into a black sport coat over a green-and-black-plaid button-down shirt] the Chipmunks and Toby have just arrived at the school and are walking in the school hall. Theodore sees the eagle statue that had scared him and climbs onto it.]
So, we meet again. What? You want a piece of this, eagle? [chuckles]
[Suddenly, Toby hears his phone ring and takes it out. He is confused when he sees the caller ID: Ian Hawke]
Ian Hawke?
I'll take that.
[Toby gives Alvin his phone, which he answers.]
Oh, I didn't realize I pocket-dialed 1-800-LOWLIFE.
Alvin?
Yeah, um, could you guys fill in for us? We're not gonna be able to perform tonight.
What about the music department? The whole school is counting on you!
I know, I know... I should have listened to you about Ian.
Yep. [she and her sisters are sitting in a small cage with a number lock on the handle, wearing the dresses Ian gave them. After what happened last time, he wasn't going to take any chances on the Chipettes trying to escape. The Chipettes have grabbed Ian's phone and called Toby.] He locked us in a cage.
[arguing with the limo driver]
What, this is the biggest you have? I had my assistant call and ask for the biggest limo, this is not the biggest limo you have!
I'll go break the news to Dr. Rubin.
Britt—
Alvin, don't move.
You got it. [As soon as Toby is out of earshot, he looks at the phone] Brittany, I'm coming to get you. Simon, tell Jeanette how to pick the lock.
Simon Roger that.
Oh! I know how!
[Alvin gets onto the toy motorcycle from the toys for tots drive and drives off]
[Suddenly, the crowd VEI-8 erupts into cheers.] [smiles and chuckles, thinking the applause is for him and surprised the audience liked his performance]
Thank you. Thank you. No, really, thank you. [notices the crowd looking up at a spotlight pointed at an open window] What the...?
[The helicopter flies through the window, carrying Alvin and the Chipettes.]
The Chipettes are in the building!
It's the Chipettes! [runs off the stage]
Alvin! [he and Simon bound to the stage]
[smiles and runs to the stage]
I'm putting her down, hang on! [lands the helicopter on the circular platform on the stage right as Theodore gets there to greet them]
Alvin! [smothers Alvin in a hug]
Simon [bounds to the platform to greet Alvin and the Chipettes]
Double high-five, brother! [high-fives Alvin with both paws]
Yay! [hugs Theodore before running to Simon, who lifts her, spins and sets her down]
Woohoo!! [After letting Eleanor go, he runs up to Brittany, where the two of them exchange low-fives and wave to the crowd]
High-five! [tries to high-five Alvin but misses] Oh, oops. [smiles awkwardly]
[goes to the microphone]
Ladies and gentlemen, representing West Eastman, it is my great pleasure...
[The Chipmunks and the Chipettes bound off the platform and onto the main stage as "We Are Family" starts playing in the background.]
This is such an honor! [giggles]
For you, or for us?
Alvin and Brittany
[in unison]
For us. [their faces light up] Jinx! Double-jinx! Triple-jinx! Quadruple-jinx! Infinity-jinx!
[interrupting them]
GUYS! We get it! [Alvin and Brittany smile at each other] Huddle up, gang! [The six of them do so]
Simon [whispers]
Here's the plan...
...for the first time ever, I give you the Chipettes and the Chipmunks!
[The Chipmunks and the Chipettes break the huddle and start singing as the song explodes into the foreground.]
[Dr. Rubin jumps and applauds, knowing West Eastman has this in the bag. After a few last dance moves, the Chipmunks assist the Chipettes in backflips and they all pose as the song crashes to an end and everyone cheers.]
Thank you!
Whoo! Thank you!
Simon Thank you! Oh, thank you so much!
Host
[holding a check worth $25,000]
Hey everybody, it's clear that we have a winner of the $25,000...and it's West Eastman High! West Eastman High! [everyone cheers]
Guys, we did it!
Yeah!
Can you believe it?
Simon A little something for the music department. All right!
[blows the Chipmunks and Chipettes a kiss]
[pretends to get hit in the cheek by Dr. Rubin's kiss]
Right back at ya, Dr. Rubes! [blows a kiss back at Dr. Rubin]
Whoo!!
[Dave hobbles into the Chipmunks and the Chipettes' bedroom, which has been rearranged completely. There are now two sets of bunk beds, three for the boys and three for the girls, on either side of the room. Alvin and Brittany got the top bunks, Theodore and Eleanor the middle, and Simon and Jeanette the bottom.]
Look at you. All ready for bed. Looks like the Chipettes are a good influence.
Thanks, Dave.
Thanks, Dave.
Thanks, Dave. [giggles]
Okay guys, now lights out. Goodnight everybody.
Simon Goodnight, Jeanette.
Goodnight, Simon.
Goodnight, Eleanor.
Goodnight, Theodore.
Goodnight, Alvin.
I'm not tired.
Sorry, but you've got school tomorrow. [turns the lights off and starts to walk out of the room, but...]
[jumps down next to Theodore's bed and flips a light switch, turning the lights back on]
Not tired!
[walks back into the room]
Alvin, come on, it's time for bed. [turns the lights off again, only for Alvin to turn them on again]
Not tired!
[firmly]
Alvin? [shoots Alvin a warning glare, turning the lights off again, only to get the same reaction from him]
Still not tired! [flips the switch.] More awake! [flips it again.] Tired. Just kidding! Much more awake!
Alvin, that's it! Don't make me come over there!
Okay! [turns the lights off.]
[turns the lights back on]
Oh boy, I suddenly got really really tired, [chuckles nervously.] Night, Dave. [turns off the lights right as Dave yells...]
ALVIN!!! [the credits roll]
