(Ryan notices the Chipmunks meeting the female students)
Somebody's gonna hafta knock those guys down to size.
Xander That should be pretty easy. I mean, they're only 8 inches tall.
Played by Chris Warren 
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009) · 58 quotes
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009) · 58 quotes
8th most-quoted character in Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009): in 6 of its 58 quotes
Most scenes with: Ryan (6), Alvin (5), Theodore (4)
Scenes with Xander
6 scenes Xander [the Chipmunks have been talking with the female students at lunch]
Listen up, rock stars. If you talk to those girls again, you're dead. If you look at those girls again, you're dead. If you even think about those girls... Are you thinkin' about them?
Well, I am now.
That's it. YOU'RE DEAD!!
Xander [Xander follows him]
Get back here, you dirty rats!
Grab on, Simon! [pulls Simon out of the toilet]
Thanks. [shakes himself off]
Are you okay?
Well, uh, considering that you just saved me from drowning in a toilet, I'm, uh, pretty good.
I'll be right back. [walks into the corridor]
Alvin, Alvin! We're not gonna solve anything with violence!
[they spot Theodore hanging in the locker room; Ryan and Xander try poking him]
It's the fatty ratty.
Cut it out!
Hey!
Xander Yeah, little fatty.
Stop it!
Tickles when I poke him. [Alvin and Simon furiously attack Ryan and Xander] Mommy!
[Back at West Eastman, the Chipmunks are eating lunch with Becca, Valentina, Emily and the other girls they rizzed up earlier in homeroom]
So, I'm on Jay-Z's yacht, right? And I say, "Jay, where's Beyonce?" And he says, "She's holding a plate full of cheese balls, turn around." And guess what? She was!
Girls
[laugh]
P.S., Dave left me in charge. Stayin' up 'til ten, every night. Oh, yeah.
Girls
[laugh]
Hey girls, look what I can do! [places a tater tot on the end of a fork and stomps on the part that pokes the food, sending the tater tot flying into the air, which he catches in his mouth]
Girls
Aw!
Becca
You are Theodore-able!
Thank you!
Emily
You're so cute!
[walks by, "accidentally on purpose" knocking Alvin's food tray onto the floor]
Oops! Oh, I am so sorry!
[looks over the edge of the table to inspect the damage, then stands back up and shrugs/smiles disarmingly]
It's cool, no harm done.
Not yet. Girls, please? Private conference. Thank you!
Girls
[sigh and roll their eyes as they get up and leave]
[places his tray on the table and looks the Chipmunks straight in the eye]
Listen up, rock stars. If you talk to those girls again, you're dead. If you look at those girls again, you're dead. If you even think about those girls...are you thinking about them?
Well, I am now...
That's it. You're DEAD! [tries to catch the Chipmunks, but they run out of the cafeteria]
The Chipmunks
Run!!!
Xander, come on! Get back here, you dirty rats!
[The Chipmunks jump onto a stair railing and slide down, with Ryan, Xander and five other boys in hot pursuit.]
Hang ten, bros!
[Simon and Theodore scurry in different directions, and Alvin hides behind the staircase, watching Ryan running after Simon.]
Go, go! That way! Over there!
[comes up with an idea to distract Ryan]
Oh, Ryan! [runs up the stairs, Ryan hot on his trail] Hey, slowpokes! Catch me if you can!
[When Alvin reaches the top of the stairs, trying to run away, Xander blocks him.]
You're dead, furball!
Not! [jumps out of the way right as Ryan and Xander lunge at him] It's wedgie time! [gives Ryan a wedgie]
Oh, my butt!!
[gives Xander a wedgie and scurries off, laughing maniacally]
Ryan and Xander
[stand up, holding their lower backs and grunting in pain]
[Meanwhile, Theodore, having gotten away from the bullies, hides behind a bench, catching his breath.]
Oh, boy. [His eyes land on a large foot with talons, belonging to a giant eagle statue] Uh, eagle. AH! Eagle! Eagle! [runs away]
AH! Bully! Bully!
[Theodore and Simon run away quickly. Simon runs into the bathroom, trying to escape.]
This way, this way! [catches Simon] Gotcha!
Guys, wait, wait! Timeout!
It's swirlie time! [he and Xander take Simon into a stall.]
Come on, come on, guys, this is so 1980s-- [Xander flushes the toilet and Ryan holds Simon by the tail.] --AAH! Please! Please! [Ryan lowers Simon into the toilet, lifts him out, and Simon coughs and sputters.] Oh man! Ugh, come on!
That-That's a good look for you.
Oh, thank-- YAAH!
[Ryan and Xander drop Simon into the toilet and run out of the bathroom. Alvin runs inside to look for Simon, seeing him struggling to get out of the toilet.]
Can't swim! Help!
Grab on, Simon!
Are you okay?
Well, uh... considering that you just saved me from drowning in a toilet, I'm uh... pretty good.
I'll be right back. [walks out of the bathroom and into the corridor, and Simon follows him, realizing what Alvin was going to do]
Alvin? Alvin! We're not going to solve anything with violence.
[Simon and Alvin spot their brother hanging in the locker room. Ryan and Xander are poking Theodore's rear.]
It's the fatty ratty.
Cut it out!
This rat has serious junk in the trunk.
Hey!
Xander Yeah, little fatty.
Stop it!
He jiggles when I poke him.
[This is the last straw for Alvin and Simon: they lunge at Ryan and Xander with fury. We cut to the outside of the school where Ryan and Xander are heard screaming.]
MOMMY!
[Later, the Chipmunks are waiting outside Dr. Rubin's office.]
Simon, does this make my butt look smaller? [lowers the bottom of his sweatshirt, covering his tail]
Theodore, your butt looks fine. Those guys are just jerks.
[Ryan and Xander exit Dr. Rubin's office, their clothes torn up and claw marks all over their bodies. They flinch when they see the Chipmunks glaring at them. Alvin growls and barks viciously at them like a mad dog, forcing the bullies to flee, terrified.]
Gentlemen?
[The Chipmunks see Dr. Rubin, jump off the table they were on, and enter her office.]
You threatened to climb inside of him and build a nest.
That was out of line. I'm not even sure that's physically possible.
I should suspend all three of you.
Please do.
Instead, I have a better idea. Due to budget cutbacks, we are in jeopardy of losing our beloved music program.
That's awful!
I know, but there is one small ray of hope. Every year, the district sponsors a music competition. And the winner's school receives $25,000. If we win, we can save our program.
And you want us to perform?
Because I didn't think you were a fan.
Why don't you sleep on it? [reaches for her jacket, revealing a tattoo of the Chipmunks' faces over a heart on her left arm]
Wait a minute, what is that?
Wait wait wait wait wait...
That's us!
I look skinny.
[shocked that they noticed]
Promise me that you won't say anything. A principal has a certain image to uphold, and if the faculty ever found out about this, I could— [laughs excitedly and bangs on her desk] I just cannot believe that you're actually sitting in my office! I have all of your CDs. I even went to see you last year in Denver, that's where I got this. It was my birthday, and I was like, "Ooh, the Chipmunks!" [Alvin smiles nervously.] So, what do you say, will you represent our school?
...honestly, suspension still sounds pretty good to me.
Come on, Alvin. What do you say? One for all and three for one!
Well, put, Theodore. Very well put. Count us in!
Go Eagles! [pretends to screech like an eagle]
Eagles?! Where?! [hides and looks around nervously]
Coach
Out! Out! You're out.
[still in the game, dodging balls like his life depends on it]
Come on, Alvin, remember your five D's: Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
Coach
Move!
[imitating Travis Bickle from "Taxi Driver"]
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? [notices that his teammate just got eliminated and he's the only one left on his team] I'm the only one here, so... you must be talkin' to me!
Other students
[laugh]
[scoffs and throws the dodgeball he's holding at Alvin, but unbeknownst to him, Alvin catches it and slides across the floor of the court]
Yeah! Got him! Did you see that?
Xander Unbelievable, he caught it! You're out, man.
Xander I think they're paws, actually.
Whatever. We can definitely use him on the team. [to Alvin] Hey, furball! How would you like a spot on the football team?
[he and Xander crouch down to look at Alvin]
I gotta say, you're good. I'm gonna let you hang out with us at lunch. That is, if you wanna be on the team.
Hmm, interesting proposition...
Alvin?
Let me get back to you on that.
This is a one-time offer. Don't take too long to think it over. [gets up and walks out of the gym with Xander]
Right. Like I would ditch my brothers just to become the first chipmunk ever to play on an actual varsity football team. [makes a sound about halfway between a scoff and a laugh] Fat chance! [puts his arms around Simon and Theodore]
