SO Someone Offscreen
I had fifteen cars. [A hand starts searching through the garbage] I mean, that's like five more cars than anybody really needs.
Ian Hawke
[The hand belongs to a man with a bald head, black-rimmed glasses, and a red bathrobe. His name? Ian Hawke. Yes, that's right; after losing the Chipmunks, Ian lost his job and every cent he had. Now he lives in the basement below Jett Records and eats from the garbage just to survive.]
I had seven maids. I had courtside seats to the Lakers. [makes coffee with some used coffee grounds and filter from the dumpster and water from a nearby spigot] Even my maids had courtside seats to the Lakers. [turns off the spigot and walks back to the dumpster] Now look at me. LOOK AT ME! [to a rat that lives in the dumpster] I lost everything. Except for my dignity, they can't take that away from me.
CH The Chipmunks & Honor Society on radio
♪ Girl! You really got me now! ♪
Ian
AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THEM. [turns towards a radio that is playing the Chipmunks' cover of "You Really Got Me" with Honor Society]
CH The Chipmunks & Honor Society on radio
♪ You got me so I don't know where I'm goin'! ♪
Ian
[throws the radio into the dumpster in frustration]
Oh hey! [pulls out a muffin from the dumpster] Breakfast! [takes a bite out of the muffin] Now I run around, hoping and praying that I can find other animals that can sing or dance. I mean... [The rat squeaks] Wait a second. You don't sing, do you? [The rat steals Ian's muffin and runs into the dumpster] Hey! Hey! That's my muffin! [jumps into the dumpster] Give me my muffin, you dirty rat! [slowly rises out of the dumpster, covered head-to-toe in trash] I will get you, Chipmunks. [takes a bite from the muffin]
Ian
There you are. [The Chipettes greet Ian] My sweet little moneymakers. [Eleanor chuckles] Do you remember when I told you that I would make you all big stars?
Brittany
Yeah?
Ian
Well... guess who's opening up for Britney Spears at the Staples Center tonight?
Brittany
Oh, yeah!
Jeanette
Pinch me. Am I dreaming?
Brittany
Oh, my gosh.
Jeanette
Wait, tonight? We'll miss the school contest!
Ian
That is correct. [taps Jeanette's nose] You will miss the school contest. You're so smart, I can never get anything past you. It was never about that stupid school contest, it was always about... [picks up Brittany in his hand and brings her to eye level] making Brittany a star.
Brittany
[awkwardly]
Oh.
Ian
That's what you wanted, right? [holds a gold dress in front of Brittany and she gasps]
Brittany
Well, yeah.
Ian
Well, tonight's your big chance. It's all about you, Brittany.
Brittany
What about Jeanette and Eleanor?
Ian
Yeah, well, they can sing backup. I got them some stuff too. [throws two silver dresses at Eleanor and Jeanette]
Jeanette
Hey! But we're her sisters.
E Eleanor
And the three of us sing together, or not at all.
Ian
Okay, fine. All I really need is the B-girl.
Brittany
[looks at her sisters, and then back at Ian, frowning and crossing her arms]
Ian, I won't do it without them. [jumps out of Ian's hand and wraps her arms around her sisters. They all look at Ian with stern expressions.]
Ian
Okay, fine, fine, let's, uh... move to plan B. Um, okay! [claps his hands] Who likes barbecue?
Brittany
Barbecue?
Ian
[grabs the Chipettes by their tails, holding them upside-down, and they struggle to get free]
Because I know this awesome little barbecue restaurant in the Valley that makes the best roasted chipmunk. [takes a large sniff] Mmm, real tasty. Unless, of course, you wanna sing?
Brittany
Oh!
H Host
[It is the night of the music competition at West Eastman: students and adults are rushing inside to the auditorium, walking past a large table of toys for Toys for Tots. Inside, the host starts speaking into a microphone.]
Welcome to West Eastman, and thank you for supporting music in our schools. Now remember, the group you pick tonight will win $25,000 for their school!
H Host
[The audience cheers for that.]
Now, we've got a lot of acts, and we have to turn the Heat off at 9:30, so without any further ado, representing Orange Grove, put your hands together for Li'l Rosero!
CC Chris Classic
[The audience cheers as Li'l Rosero walks onstage with a boombox, turns it on, and starts breakdancing as several back-up dancers follow him onstage.]
♪ Whoo, yeah! Feels good, right? Come on! It's so classic. Let's go! In the middle of the floor, you can watch me do what I do. ♪
[Meanwhile, after a quick wardrobe change [Alvin into a black sport coat over a red t-shirt with a design that looks like if a Peace Symbol and a letter "A" got mashed together made out of gold leaf, Simon into a black jacket over a blue t-shirt, and Theodore into a black sport coat over a green-and-black-plaid button-down shirt] the Chipmunks and Toby have just arrived at the school and are walking in the school hall. Theodore sees the eagle statue that had scared him and climbs onto it.]
T Theodore
So, we meet again. What? You want a piece of this, eagle? [chuckles]
Toby
[Suddenly, Toby hears his phone ring and takes it out. He is confused when he sees the caller ID: Ian Hawke]
Ian Hawke?
A Alvin
[Toby gives Alvin his phone, which he answers.]
Oh, I didn't realize I pocket-dialed 1-800-LOWLIFE.
Brittany
Alvin?
A Alvin
[surprised]
Brittany?
Brittany
Yeah, um, could you guys fill in for us? We're not gonna be able to perform tonight.
A Alvin
What about the music department? The whole school is counting on you!
Brittany
I know, I know... I should have listened to you about Ian.
A Alvin
[grimaces]
Don't tell me...
Brittany
Yep. [she and her sisters are sitting in a small cage with a number lock on the handle, wearing the dresses Ian gave them. After what happened last time, he wasn't going to take any chances on the Chipettes trying to escape. The Chipettes have grabbed Ian's phone and called Toby.] He locked us in a cage.
Ian
[arguing with the limo driver]
What, this is the biggest you have? I had my assistant call and ask for the biggest limo, this is not the biggest limo you have!
Toby
I'll go break the news to Dr. Rubin.
Toby
Alvin, don't move.
A Alvin
You got it. [As soon as Toby is out of earshot, he looks at the phone] Brittany, I'm coming to get you. Simon, tell Jeanette how to pick the lock.
A Alvin
[Alvin gives the phone to Simon.]
Oh, man... I need to get to the girls, fast!
T Theodore
Oh! I know how!
[Alvin gets onto the toy motorcycle from the toys for tots drive and drives off]
Brittany
[Alvin and the Chipettes drive by a toy store.]
Faster, Alvin!
A Alvin
Don't worry, I'm gonna get a little help from my friend Digger! [drives into the toy store] Whoo!
D Digger
[pops out of a manhole cover]
Roger that, Alvin! [Ian's limo rounds the corner, swerving to avoid him]
Ian
Look out!
D Digger
Whoa! Feels like I'm back at the racetrack!
Ian
[The driver tries to go into the toy store, but he crashes into a toy stand, causing the limo to stop.] [frustrated]
Keep going! What are you doing? [sees a sign in the window for remote-control helicopters, jumps out of the limo through the moonroof, and runs into the store] Yeah.
D Digger
Wait till I tell everybody back home I saved Alvin Seville. [retreats back into the sewers]
Brittany
[Alvin and the Chipettes drive through the different sections of the store.]
I guess I owe you an apology about Ian.
A Alvin
Stick with me, Britt. [drives into a Chinese toy store] I'll never steer you wrong. [he suddenly screams, quickly turns the motorcycle around and drives out of the store.]
Brittany
Oh yeah, I'll never doubt you again!
A Alvin
[A remote control helicopter flies after them, controlled by none other than Ian. He cackles maniacally, running after Alvin and the Chipettes, a controller in his hands.]
I gotta say, he is definitely persistent.
Brittany
[glancing back at Ian]
We gotta lose him!
A Alvin
Hang on! [makes a U-turn and starts driving towards the helicopter] I've got a plan! Jump on the count of 3! [Alvin and the Chipettes approach the helicopter...] 3!
C Chipettes
[Alvin and the Chipettes all jump onto the helicopter, dangling from the landing skis.]
Whoa!
Ian
[making the helicopter go higher]
Oh, that's it.
Jeanette
I'm not really good with heights!
Brittany
Just hang on tight, Jeanette!
Ian
[making the helicopter fly closer to him]
Bring my girls right to me!
A Alvin
We need the remote!
Brittany
Guys, I know what to do. [takes off her helmet] It's hats off to Ian!
Ian
[The others take off their helmets and throw them at Ian] [gets hit by the helmets, which makes him fall backwards and throw the remote in the air, causing the helicopter to spiral out of control]
Whoa!
Brittany
[reaching her arm out]
I can't reach it!
Jeanette
I'm going for it. Grab my ankles! [jumps for the remote. Eleanor takes her ankles, and Brittany takes Eleanor's. She manages to catch the remote by the antenna] I got it! [clutches the remote to her chest as she hangs upside-down and gasps, for she can hardly believe it] I got it. [Eleanor and Brittany pull Jeanette back up onto the landing skis]
Brittany
Nice work, Jeanette!
E Eleanor
Good going, Jen! [looks down at Ian] Hey, Ian! You were wrong! [takes off her shoes] I don't need these! [throws them down at Ian, but they accidentally hit the motorcycle, causing it to change direction] Oops.
Ian
[still on the ground, looks up to see the motorcycle drive toward his open legs. CRUNCH! The motorcycle hits him right in... you know what? I can't say it. If you're a guy, it's the most painful place you can possibly get hit in... yep, THAT place.]
OOOOOOHH!! [winces from the pain and passes out]
Jeanette
Ooh.
Brittany
Ouch.
A Alvin
[waves]
Adios, Ian!
[Jeanette starts directing the helicopter back to West Eastman High, flying the four of them away.]
Dr. Rubin
[Ryan, Xander and Jeremy pick gum from under the gymnasium bleachers as punishment for the way they treated the Chipmunks.]
Good start, gentlemen. Only ten more rows of bleachers to go. Let's do it.
Ian
[The bullies grab their garbage bags and follow Dr. Rubin to the rest of the bleachers and starting the credits rolling again. After the credits, back at the Staples Center, Ian is dragged outside by the guards.]
All right, guys. All right. All right. All right, I'm out. I'm out.
Ian
[A guard opens up a nearby dumpster.]
Oh, is this necessary? [gets picked up and thrown in the dumpster.] Oh, c'mon! Oh, is that necessary? Is that— [The guards close the lid of the dumpster, cutting Ian off, and walk back inside.] [muffled] At least let me go back and get my purse.
