David Cross movie quotes

View Quote I'm calling it... "The Black Mamba".

View Quote Megamind: Metrocity, Minion. It's all mine. If my parents could see me now…
Minion: Sir, I'm sure they're smiling down from evil heaven.

View Quote Minion: Well you seem in a very good mood tonight, sir.
Megamind: Ha? How long is this going to take, Minion?
Minion: Just a few alterations, sir, and I will be done with your most terrifying cape yet! I’m calling it the Black Mambaaaaa…!
Megamind: Black Mamba. Perfect! Ooh, gosh, I am running late. I have to go.
Minion: What? Where are you going, sir? We have our debut battle with Titan tomorrow morning. We haven't even tested your big battle suit yet!
Megamind: You attend to the details, Minion. I have to... run a quick errand.
Minion: [suspicious] You don't run errands. What's going on here?
Megamind: What?
Minion: Oh, wait a minute! [sniffs Megamind suspiciously] Are you wearing "Jean Paul Gaultier's Pour Homme"?
Megamind: It's just my natural musk. Now, where the car keys? Ah!
Minion: [grabs them] Ah ah-ah-ah! This is about Ms. Ritchi, isn't it? You're going on a date with her!
Megamind: What? [laughs] No, my main man! Get out of town!
Minion: Oh, this is bad… this is bad! You've fallen in love with her!
Megamind: You are forgetting your place, Minion. Now give me the keys! [groans]
Minion: [stretches the arm in which his hand is holding the car key, scoffs] What happens when Roxanne finds out who you really are?
Megamind: She'll never find out! That's the point of "lying". [pushes a button on Minion’s robotic body which makes his stretched arm fall, grabs the keys] Honestly, if I didn't know any better, I'd think this was your first day of being evil.
Minion: No! [turns the car invisible] This has gone far enough! [drops the keys in his fishbowl head]
Megamind: Oh, that was really grown up!
Minion: Sir, sir, please. It's for your own good.
Megamind: Oh, what do you know?!
Minion: I may not know much, but I do know this - the bad guy doesn't get the girl!
Megamind: Well, maybe I don't want to be the bad guy anymore!
[Minion screams in absolute shock at what Megamind has just said]
Megamind: [looks around sheepishly] You heard me?!
Minion: [whispers in disgust] Who are you...?
Megamind: Now, give me the keys!
Minion: No! [turns the car visible] My sole purpose in life is to look after you!
Megamind: Well, I don't need you to look after me!
Minion: [visibly hurt] What are you...? What are you saying, you don't... need me?
Megamind: Let me make it clear. Code - I don't need you!
Minion: You know what, you know what?! [ejects the keys out his fishbowl head; they land on the car and Megamind picks them up] Code - I'll just pack my thing and go! [puts fish food in a lunchbox]
Megamind: Code - fine!
Minion: Code - fine back! [gets on his scooter and begins to leave] Well, good luck on your date!
Megamind: I will!
Minion: That doesn't even make any sense!
Megamind: I know!

View Quote You can chain my body, but you will never chain my [a cuff is put around his neck; muffled] warrior spirit!

View Quote Wings of Justice! KA-KAW!

View Quote Excuse me, when have I ever made that noise?

View Quote Well he must be half way to China by now he showed us his willis & doodleberries Malcom, have you ever tried to run away in heels? not that easy. not that easy.

View Quote Sexual tension, male-female dynamics...all part of the high school experience.

View Quote [Handing 'Sebastian' his food at lunch] Have a great apple and sandwich! [The next student steps up and begins to ask for something] No.

View Quote Irwin Wayfair: You put munitions chips into toys?

View Quote Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?
Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.
Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well, the real world sucks.
Irwin Wayfair: [seeing an approaching Ms. Kegel] It does have its perks...

View Quote Gil Mars: Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.
Irwin Wayfair: Well, that's an interesting idea.
Gil Mars: Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
Larry Benson: Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy."
Gil Mars: "Everything else is just a toy."
Larry Benson: Th-That's good, too. Sure.
Irwin Wayfair: Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--
Larry Benson: Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.
Gil Mars: We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.

View Quote ¡Madre de Dios! No!

View Quote Welcome to Jett Records.

View Quote Ian: Your song sucks, Dave.
Dave: What?
Ian: Your song? It's awful. I hate it. Yeah, I mean, who's gonna sing it? Justin? Fergie? Not a chance. I need something new, I need something fresh.

View Quote Someone Offscreen: I had fifteen cars. [A hand starts searching through the garbage] I mean, that's like five more cars than anybody really needs.
[The hand belongs to a man with a bald head, black-rimmed glasses, and a red bathrobe. His name? Ian Hawke. Yes, that's right; after losing the Chipmunks, Ian lost his job and every cent he had. Now he lives in the basement below Jett Records and eats from the garbage just to survive.]
Ian Hawke: I had seven maids. I had courtside seats to the Lakers. [makes coffee with some used coffee grounds and filter from the dumpster and water from a nearby spigot] Even my maids had courtside seats to the Lakers. [turns off the spigot and walks back to the dumpster] Now look at me. LOOK AT ME! [to a rat that lives in the dumpster] I lost everything. Except for my dignity, they can't take that away from me.
The Chipmunks & Honor Society on radio: ♪ Girl! You really got me now! ♪
Ian: AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THEM. [turns towards a radio that is playing the Chipmunks' cover of "You Really Got Me" with Honor Society]
The Chipmunks & Honor Society on radio: ♪ You got me so I don't know where I'm goin'! ♪
Ian: [throws the radio into the dumpster in frustration] Oh hey! [pulls out a muffin from the dumpster] Breakfast! [takes a bite out of the muffin] Now I run around, hoping and praying that I can find other animals that can sing or dance. I mean... [The rat squeaks] Wait a second. You don't sing, do you? [The rat steals Ian's muffin and runs into the dumpster] Hey! Hey! That's my muffin! [jumps into the dumpster] Give me my muffin, you dirty rat! [slowly rises out of the dumpster, covered head-to-toe in trash] I will get you, Chipmunks. [takes a bite from the muffin]

View Quote Ian: There you are. [The Chipettes greet Ian] My sweet little moneymakers. [Eleanor chuckles] Do you remember when I told you that I would make you all big stars?
Brittany: Yeah?
Ian: Well... guess who's opening up for Britney Spears at the Staples Center tonight?
Brittany: Oh, yeah!
Jeanette: Pinch me. Am I dreaming?
Brittany: Oh, my gosh.
Jeanette: Wait, tonight? We'll miss the school contest!
Ian: That is correct. [taps Jeanette's nose] You will miss the school contest. You're so smart, I can never get anything past you. It was never about that stupid school contest, it was always about... [picks up Brittany in his hand and brings her to eye level] making Brittany a star.
Brittany: [awkwardly] Oh.
Ian: That's what you wanted, right? [holds a gold dress in front of Brittany and she gasps]
Brittany: Well, yeah.
Ian: Well, tonight's your big chance. It's all about you, Brittany.
Brittany: What about Jeanette and Eleanor?
Ian: Yeah, well, they can sing backup. I got them some stuff too. [throws two silver dresses at Eleanor and Jeanette]
Eleanor: Oh!
Jeanette: Hey! But we're her sisters.
Eleanor: And the three of us sing together, or not at all.
Ian: Okay, fine. All I really need is the B-girl.
Brittany: [looks at her sisters, and then back at Ian, frowning and crossing her arms] Ian, I won't do it without them. [jumps out of Ian's hand and wraps her arms around her sisters. They all look at Ian with stern expressions.]
Ian: Okay, fine, fine, let's, uh... move to plan B. Um, okay! [claps his hands] Who likes barbecue?
Eleanor: Uh...
Brittany: Barbecue?
Ian: [grabs the Chipettes by their tails, holding them upside-down, and they struggle to get free] Because I know this awesome little barbecue restaurant in the Valley that makes the best roasted chipmunk. [takes a large sniff] Mmm, real tasty. Unless, of course, you wanna sing?
Brittany: Oh!

View Quote [It is the night of the music competition at West Eastman: students and adults are rushing inside to the auditorium, walking past a large table of toys for Toys for Tots. Inside, the host starts speaking into a microphone.]
Host: Welcome to West Eastman, and thank you for supporting music in our schools. Now remember, the group you pick tonight will win $25,000 for their school!
[The audience cheers for that.]
Host: Now, we've got a lot of acts, and we have to turn the Heat off at 9:30, so without any further ado, representing Orange Grove, put your hands together for Li'l Rosero!
[The audience cheers as Li'l Rosero walks onstage with a boombox, turns it on, and starts breakdancing as several back-up dancers follow him onstage.]
Chris Classic: ♪ Whoo, yeah! Feels good, right? Come on! It's so classic. Let's go! In the middle of the floor, you can watch me do what I do. ♪
[Meanwhile, after a quick wardrobe change [Alvin into a black sport coat over a red t-shirt with a design that looks like if a Peace Symbol and a letter "A" got mashed together made out of gold leaf, Simon into a black jacket over a blue t-shirt, and Theodore into a black sport coat over a green-and-black-plaid button-down shirt] the Chipmunks and Toby have just arrived at the school and are walking in the school hall. Theodore sees the eagle statue that had scared him and climbs onto it.]
Theodore: So, we meet again. What? You want a piece of this, eagle? [chuckles]
[Suddenly, Toby hears his phone ring and takes it out. He is confused when he sees the caller ID: Ian Hawke]
Toby: Ian Hawke?
Alvin: I'll take that.
[Toby gives Alvin his phone, which he answers.]
Alvin: Oh, I didn't realize I pocket-dialed 1-800-LOWLIFE.
Brittany: Alvin?
Alvin: [surprised] Brittany?
Brittany: Yeah, um, could you guys fill in for us? We're not gonna be able to perform tonight.
Alvin: What about the music department? The whole school is counting on you!
Brittany: I know, I know... I should have listened to you about Ian.
Alvin: [grimaces] Don't tell me...
Brittany: Yep. [she and her sisters are sitting in a small cage with a number lock on the handle, wearing the dresses Ian gave them. After what happened last time, he wasn't going to take any chances on the Chipettes trying to escape. The Chipettes have grabbed Ian's phone and called Toby.] He locked us in a cage.
Ian: [arguing with the limo driver] What, this is the biggest you have? I had my assistant call and ask for the biggest limo, this is not the biggest limo you have!
Toby: I'll go break the news to Dr. Rubin.
Alvin: Britt—
Toby: Alvin, don't move.
Alvin: You got it. [As soon as Toby is out of earshot, he looks at the phone] Brittany, I'm coming to get you. Simon, tell Jeanette how to pick the lock.
Simon: Roger that.
[Alvin gives the phone to Simon.]
Alvin: Oh, man... I need to get to the girls, fast!
Theodore: Oh! I know how!
[Alvin gets onto the toy motorcycle from the toys for tots drive and drives off]

View Quote Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes.

View Quote (Po is making dinner for The Furious Five) Po: So I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Fujian Province, but you're a lousy tipper!"
Crane: Really? So how'd you get out of there alive?
Po: I mean, I didn't, I didn't actually say that... but I thought it... in... in my mind. If he could read my mind he woulda been like "What?" Order up.

View Quote Mantis: There's no words.
Crane: No denying that.
Viper: I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed.
Crane: [mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically] He is so mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire!
Mantis: When he walks, the very ground shakes.
[The Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]
Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes.
[The Furious Five laugh again. The camera turns to Po, having heard their insult about him.]

View Quote Dwight: I know what you thinking. Did I fire three shots or 117? Well, do you feel lucky, (pause) punk? Do you (pause) feel lucky? (says faster) Do you feel lucky, punk?
Hugh Kane: (deep, growling voice) Shoot me, mother****er!

View Quote Dwight: Heh-hey! Hey there little guy, how are you doing?
Parrot: **** off, four eyes!
Dwight: H... h... I beg your pardon?
Parrot: I said: "**** off... four eyes."
Dwight: You know, I oughta kick your ass-!
Shorty: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Relax, son, it's just a bird. Hi, little birdy... Polly want a cracker?
Parrot: Polly want your mama's sweet ass!
Shorty: (stunned) What did Polly say to me?
Parrot: I said: "Polly wants your mama's... sweet ass".
Shorty: You don't be talking 'bout my mama son, you don't know my mama, son!
Parrot: Yeah, I know your mama, I **** her last night.
Shorty: You want beef?! I'll **** you up!
Parrot: Ooooh! I'm shaking, I'm shaking!
Shorty: Aw no, **** this, I'm handling this shit like a gentleman, y'all. Hold my tooth, son.
Parrot: Yeah, come on, bitch, you and that Kotter's hairstyle wanna piece of me?! Come on, bring it on!
Shorty: What, you hardcore?! Gimme somethin'!
Parrot: Let me outta here, come on, pussy! Let me outta here, I'll **** you up!

View Quote Dwight Hartman: Let's split up.
Brenda: Unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh-UNH! Now wait a minute, hold up! How come when anytime this scary shit happens, and we should stick together, you white people always say "let's split up"?
Theo: She's right, we should stick together.
Dwight: She's right. Okay. (pointing to Cindy, Buddy and Theo in the group) You three, follow me!
(Shorty, Brenda, and Ray are left alone)
Shorty: Ain't that a bitch?
(the three of them begin to cry)
Brenda: We gonna die, y'all.