Alan Abernathy [Talking into the phone to the Heartland Toy Company]
Your damn Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store, destroyed the stupid Gorgonites, and ran off! Lawsuit! Got that? [Pauses for a bit] Alan Abernathy. 330-555-0129.
Played by Gregory Smith 
Small Soldiers (1998) · 111 quotes
Small Soldiers (1998) · 111 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Small Soldiers (1998): in 19 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Archer (4), Christy (4), Stuart Abernathy (3)
Just because you can't see something, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
More lines from Alan Abernathy
6 quotes Alan Abernathy Alan Abernathy [to Archer]
Hide and lose? That's a great option.
Alan Abernathy [yelling at Major Chip Hazard]
And I got a shot for you! You stupid toy!
Alan Abernathy If Major Chip wants a war, we'll give him war.
Alan Abernathy I don't think we killed him enough.
Alan Abernathy He went to a seminar, "How to make a success of your small business", my suggestion is to torch the place.
Scenes with Alan Abernathy
12 scenesGreetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Alan Awfully polite for a monster.
What is your name?
Alan I'm Alan. Now shut up. I gotta do my homework.
Greetings, Alan-now-shut-up.
Alan, friend of Archer, defender of all Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta...
Alan "Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there you're headed for the microwave.
I heard your parents had to move here because you got kicked out of ten different schools?
Alan I did not! [paused for a while] It was only two.
Alan Thanks, Joe. I owe you one.
You owe me twelve!
Son, what happened here?
Alan Nothing. Nothing happened.
Oh, really? [and the mass of the toy boat falls out] And how do you explain this?!
Alan [stummering]
I was dusting it, and it fell over.
Oh, you were dusting it with what? A croquet mallet?
Alan. If Gorgon's not in that window, is it in this one?
Alan There's nothing outside the window. There's just stuff outside them.
What stuff?
Alan You know. Houses. Electric poles. Christy's house.
And beyond that?
Alan The mall.
And what's beyond that?
Alan That's the highway.
Punch-It And beyond that?
Alan A million acres of farm.
And what's beyond that?
Alan I don't know.
Hmmm. Gorgon.
You rescued me! [kissing Alan]
Alan [pausing for a bit]
Anytime.
Alan There's a problem with the Commandos.
Really? What kind of problem?
Any sigh of the Gorgonites?
Alan No, not a thing.
Come on Christy!
Gil Mars [Alan grabs her dramatically and kisses her] [getting into helicopter, looking at wreckage]
Too bad. This would have been a hell of a commercial.
Alan Abernathy [on the phone to Globotech]
The Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store and destroyed the Gorgonites!
GloboTech Telephone Operator The Commando Elite are designed to fight the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy They didn't fight them, they destroyed them, and now they're gone!
GloboTech Telephone Operator I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems does not replace lost toys.
Alan Abernathy I didn't lose them! Look, is there a machine I can talk to? Just transfer me to a machine!
GloboTech Telephone Operator Bye. Have a nice day, ma'am.
Alan Abernathy [aghast]
I'm not a "ma'am"!
[Alan and Christy have tried to explain everything after Phil accuses Alan of kidnapping Christy, drugging him and his wife, and the damage the Commandos did to the Fimples' home]
Is this entire household insane?! [pointing at Archer] He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the Blue Fairy drops by with a talking cricket?!
Dad, he's telling the truth!
He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
Marion Fimple
[still intoxicated]
Look! Another one...
Alan Abernathy See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.
That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.
Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.
[Phil tries to lead his family out, but finds Irwin and Larry at the door]
Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?
Timmy Fimple
[points at Alan]
That's Alan, right there.
How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.
There's a chance they might be... defective.
But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.
Oh, there's reasons!
Alan Abernathy There is a problem with the Commandos.
Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.
[Stuart suddenly punches Larry, knocking him to the floor]
YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!
Irene Abernathy Stuart--
Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. [to Phil] And you! You owe my son an apology!
Other characters in Small Soldiers
Major Chip Hazard
Tommy Lee Jones
Archer
Frank Langella
Stuart Abernathy
Kevin Dunn
Slamfist
Christopher Guest
Christy
Kirsten Dunst
Irwin Wayfair
David Cross
Butch Meathook
Jim Brown
Gwendy Doll
Larry Benson
Jay Mohr
Nick Nitro
Clint Walker
Phil Fimple
Phil Hartman
Brick Bazooka
George Kennedy
Insaniac
Michael McKean
Kip Killigan
Joe
Dick Miller
Link Static
Bruce Dern