Irwin Wayfair You put munitions chips into toys?
7th most-quoted character in Small Soldiers (1998): in 7 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Larry Benson (5), Stuart Abernathy (2), Phil Fimple (2)
Scenes with Irwin Wayfair
7 scenes Irwin Wayfair Pretty exciting, huh?
Irwin Wayfair I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.
Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
Irwin Wayfair Yeah, well, the real world sucks.
Irwin Wayfair [seeing an approaching Ms. Kegel]
It does have its perks...
Gil Mars
Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.
Irwin Wayfair Well, that's an interesting idea.
Gil Mars
Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy."
Gil Mars
"Everything else is just a toy."
Th-That's good, too. Sure.
Irwin Wayfair Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--
Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.
Gil Mars
We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.
Ms. Kegel
[after being told the product will be ready in three months]
All right, then. Now, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top-secret GloboTechnology. And these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moment memorize them now.
Irwin Wayfair [sees his password and chuckles]
Mine's Gizmo.
Ms. Kegel
[snatches Irwin's password; annoyed]
I said "secret".
Irwin Wayfair We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- [realizing] Oh.
Irwin Wayfair What's "Oh"?
What?
Irwin Wayfair You just said "Oh."
No, l said "Oh."
Irwin Wayfair Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?
No. I mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right--
Irwin Wayfair The chips! That's the "Oh"!
Oh.
Irwin Wayfair Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?
They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.
Irwin Wayfair [looks up the chips on his computer]
They were designed for the Department of Defense. [shocked] You put munitions chips in toys?!
[Alan and Christy have tried to explain everything after Phil accuses Alan of kidnapping Christy, drugging him and his wife, and the damage the Commandos did to the Fimples' home]
Is this entire household insane?! [pointing at Archer] He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the Blue Fairy drops by with a talking cricket?!
Dad, he's telling the truth!
He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
Marion Fimple
[still intoxicated]
Look! Another one...
See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.
That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.
Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.
Irwin Wayfair [Phil tries to lead his family out, but finds Irwin and Larry at the door]
Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?
Timmy Fimple
[points at Alan]
That's Alan, right there.
How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.
Irwin Wayfair There's a chance they might be... defective.
But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.
Oh, there's reasons!
There is a problem with the Commandos.
Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.
[Stuart suddenly punches Larry, knocking him to the floor]
YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!
Irene Abernathy
Stuart--
Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. [to Phil] And you! You owe my son an apology!
Irwin Wayfair Hey. You know what might work? An electromagnetic pulse. 'Cause that would fry their chips. [he and the others duck after a Commando Elite soldier fires a rocket]
Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.
"Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?
It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
Irwin Wayfair That's why the military never used them.
Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
Irwin Wayfair [pointing at Larry]
Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.
Other characters in Small Soldiers
Major Chip Hazard
Tommy Lee Jones
Alan Abernathy
Gregory Smith
Archer
Frank Langella
Stuart Abernathy
Kevin Dunn
Slamfist
Christopher Guest
Christy
Kirsten Dunst
Butch Meathook
Jim Brown
Gwendy Doll
Larry Benson
Jay Mohr
Nick Nitro
Clint Walker
Phil Fimple
Phil Hartman
Brick Bazooka
George Kennedy
Insaniac
Michael McKean
Kip Killigan
Joe
Dick Miller
Link Static
Bruce Dern
