That's a funny kinda name.
What can I say? My daddy plum loved baked beans.
Well, you're lucky he didn't "plum love" asparagus.
I, err... I enjoy a hearty good puttanesca myself, but I'm not sure that a child would appreciate the moniker.
Well, my daddy was a great man, even if he did exhibit the proclaim for legumes, and--
[eating powder]
Mmm, spicy.
Ew! You carry his remains?
No, his ashes. He loved to smoke. They never found the body.
Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.
My daddy was never near that mine shaft. He'd been sober for over a month! And for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental responsibilities at a delicate time in my personal development is an affront to my sense- [freezes in trance]
Miss Beans? Miss Beans? Hello? [whistles] Hello?
[Rango looks upon, moves Beans' left arm up and down, and stands next to her with his hand on her left shoulder. Beans suddenly comes out of trance.]
-And until the people of Andromeda Five return him safe and sound, I will not sell my ranch!
What... What are you doing?
Yes, you were. You stopped talking.
It's a defense mechanism. Actually, lots of lizards have it.
[to Rango]
Hello, "brother". Thirsty? [fills glass with venom and throws it to the ground] Long time, "brother". How you been keepin'?
Oh, well, you know– [Jake quiets him with a loud hiss]
I hear you been tellin' about how you killed all them Jenkins brothers. With one bullet, weren't it? [chuckles] Ain't that right? All these good folks here believe your little stories, don't they? Why, they believe you're just a stone killer, don't they? Seems these folks trust you. They think you're gonna save their little town. They think you're gonna save their little souls! But we know better, don't we? [turns to Beans and licks her cheek before turning back to Rango] So why don't you show your friends what you're made of? Show 'em who you really are? [pulls out gun] Why don't you just pull your gun and shoot me? [empties out most of the bullets] But of course, you won't need all of these. Just one, right? [gives Rango the gun and points it in his face] Go head, hero. Pull the trigger. [Rango doesn't shoot] You got killer in your eyes, son? ... I don't see it. [Rango lowers his gun] You didn't do any of them things you said, did you? You didn't kill them Jenkins Brothers. You ain't even from the West, are you?! [Rango doesn't speak] Say it!
Oh, speak up! I don't think your friends here heard you.
All you've done is lie to these good people. You ain't nothing but a fake and a coward. Ain't that right?
[the townsfolk, alongside Beans, stare at Rango in disbelief.] [slithers around Rango]
Listen close, you pathetic fraud. This is my town now. If I ever see you again, I will take your soul straight down to HELL! [grabs Rango and drops him to his knees]
[Rango stands up and looks at the scornful citizens who felt lied to. He then begins to leave.] Beans [to Rango, puzzled.] Who are you?
[Rango silently walks away. The Mariachi Owls watch Rango walking sadly.]
Hey there, fruit-cup. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya? Who exactly are you?
[Rango notices his reflection distorted in the bar's dirty mirror, and the words "Hecho en Durango" stamped on a bottle of cactus juice he is holding.] [internal monologue]
Who am I? I could be anyone.'’ [his thumb covers the words, only showing "Rango".]
What's the matter, you missing your mama's mangoes?
[emboldened]
As a matter of fact, I am. [slams bottle down, and whirls on Spoons] But not as much as your DADDY'S COOKING!
[Bar patrons gasp.] [thrown-off by Rango's statement]
Exactly where did you say you were from?
Me...? I-I'm from the West! Out there, beyond the horizon, past the sunset. The Far West. [begins strutting around the bar.] Yeah, that's right, hombres. The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite. [snags a patron's toothpick with his tongue.] Then we salt 'im, then we pepper 'im, then we braise 'im in clarified butter... [takes a gopher's Stetson] And then... we eat him.
Ya eat 'im?
Rango: THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I've seen things that'll make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions! You spend 3 days in a horse carcass living off your own juices - it'll change a man. Oh yeah. [accidentally sends a shuffled deck of cards flying] Got a few extra aces in this deck, gents - just the way I like it. So no, my hairsome little rodent friend, I am not from around these parts. You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewin' and Hell waitin' to be raised. You could say I'm what Hell's already raised up. Name's... RANGO.
E Elbows
Hey, are you that guy who killed them Jenkins brothers?
Uh-huh, killed them with 1 bullet. Don't get no deader.
[nervously]
That's right, all 7 of them.
Exactly, how did you do that, Mr. Rango?
You know, I'm glad you asked me that. And I'll be happy to tell you how, but you're all gonna have to listen up! Because this is where it gets... complicated.
No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
[clears throat]
Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Then where'd you get this here jug?
[to Balthazar]
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
A Ambrose
Who would dump water in the desert?
Wouldn't be the first time.
It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
What's goin' on, sheriff?
I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.
[eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches]
This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
I remember them; they were quite friendly.
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
You... might wanna get that looked at.
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Is it true what they say?
Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Uh, the other side of what?
It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
A Ambrose
Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
[rattling can be heard]
What, where?!
[rattles his spoons]
Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Well, Mama had an active social life.
Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Them's what we call his natural predator.
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
R Roadkill
[After Rango gets lost in the desert from the car accident.]
Oye! That's right! You! [Rango gasps, drops his draft glass and walks slowly] Don't be shy. Come on. It's okay. That's it, a little closer. Good.
R Roadkill
[The camera pans over to the armadillo named Roadkill, who is split in half by car's tire.]
I won't bite you. [grunts in pain] I need a little help here.
R Roadkill
I must... get to the other side.
The other side? You mean, just now, that was you crossing the road? That's why the... [mimics the car accident] Why'd you do that?!
R Roadkill
This is my quest. He waits for me.
R Roadkill
The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one. They say he rides an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him.
What are you talking about?
R Roadkill
Enlightenment. We are nothing without it.
Nothing? Your delusional quest just ruined my life! I had an incredibly complex social network going, highly sophisticated friends! I was very popular!
R Roadkill
Friends? I don't see no friends.
R Roadkill
You are a very lonely lizard.
[extended version]
Look, I need water. Hydration. My teeth are chapped. I need lotion. I'm down to one layer of skin already. Pretty soon, I'm gonna see my insides. Now, quite unlike you've got going there. Listen, I can't survive in the desert, okay? I-I don't belong here.
R Roadkill
That may be true, but here you are. Now help me up, and I will help you find what you seek.
R Roadkill
And perhaps more. Quickly, now. I must get back to my quest.
You mean you've done this before?
R Roadkill
Yes, many time. Come, come. That's it. Pull my finger.
R Roadkill
The spirit is waiting for me.
Okay, okay. [tries to help Roadkill up, but struggles and then gives up] Okay. That's not gonna work.
R Roadkill
I must get to the other side.
Why don't you just wait until there are no cars coming?
R Roadkill
It's not so easy as it looks.
R Roadkill
It's a metaphor.
[Last lines; the 4 owls appear and play their music whilst Senor Flan narrates]
And so the lizard completes his journey. From humble beginnings to the legend we sing of today. And although he is certain to die, perhaps from, uh… a household accident, which accounts for 65% of all unnatural deaths. The people of the village will always remember the name of the one who saved them.
3O The 3 Owls
[The other owls suddenly turn and speak in unison] [last line of the film; to the audience]
Rango!
[Rango is playing golf with the mayor]
Sumthin' you said keeps rattlin' around in my frontal lobe.
"Control the water, and you control everything."
[chuckles]
Come now, Mr. Rango. You tribute divine power to me. How on earth could I possibly control the water?
You've obviously mastered this game.
Well, I've been playing it for many years, sir. I was here before the highway split this great valley. I watched the march of progress, and I learned a thing or two. Perhaps it's time you started to take the long view, begin to appreciate the broad sweep of history. Look out there, son. You can almost see time passing.
[Rango looks through a telescope and sees gophers doing construction]
What are you building out here?
The future, Mr. Rango. The future. One day soon, all this will fade into myth. The frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger. There's no place for them anymore. We're civilized now.
That's what the future holds. You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.
Is that what happened to Mr. Merrimack? Did he get left behind?
Careful, Mr. Rango. You seem to forget you're just one little lizard.
You seem to forget I'm the law around these parts. [walks away]
Our new Sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he’s actually starting to believe it. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.
Uh… Jake’s the Grim Reaper. He never leaves without takin’ a blimin’ soul.
[Rango notices a hole popping out the road, Ezekiel and Jedidiah pop out]
This ain't the bank!
Get your hands up where I can see 'em! [Ezekiel and Jedidiah do so] Just as I suspected. [puts his gun away] Prospecting without the authorized equipment. Don't move a muscle. [walks away]
Prospecting? [Ezekiel shrugs]
[comes back with equipment]
Now, got your shovel, pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah, assorted snacks, some puzzle books, and you're gonna need a permit.
[shouts out from the hole]
EZEKIEL! JEDIDIAH! WHAT THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON UP THERE?! [comes out of the hole while whacking Ezekiel and Jedidiah on the head] I'VE HAD POLYPS REMOVED SMARTER THAN THE TWO OF YOU! [sniffs the air] Hell's fire! This ain't the bank!
Hey, Pappy. The sheriff's standing right here, helping us out.
Gonna give us a permit for "prospecting".
Yep, just doing my duty. The lonely constable on his rounds, keeping an eagle eye out for mayhem and malfeasance.
Does he look like what he sounds?
Well, sheriff, if we was to hit the motherlode, being prospectors and such, where exactly do we deposit said annuity?
Well, here in the town of Dirt, we happen to have the finest financial institution in this side of Missouri. [points to the Bank of Dirt] Protected morning, noon and night by yours truly. [gives Balthazar the permit]
[the Mayor's goons lock Rango and Beans in the flooding bank vault]
Beans! Hold on! Don't worry! I got a plan! [to the vault door] HEEELLLLLLP! [bangs on the door] OPEN THE DOOR! Okay, Plan B! [Beans mumbles] What?! Beans, you're mumblin'!
[outside the vault door]
All my problems taken care of... except for one. [aims Rango's gun at Jake]
It's a new West, Jake. There's no room for gunslingers anymore. We're businessmen now.
S Stump
We've got new hats! [points to his bowler hat]
[meanwhile, inside the vault] [holding his only bullet]
Where I come from, we call this... [puts the bullet in his mouth] improvisation. [unties the gag from Beans]
You came back! [kisses Rango on the lips but then accidentally swallows the bullet and chokes] What was that?!
No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed Plan B.
What?! [freezes in trance and sinks into the water]
[back outside]
You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed. [inside the vault, Rango attempts to hiemleck the bullet out of Beans] One last bullet to kill one last outlaw. [Jake angrily glares at him] How fitting. [pulls the trigger but nothing happens] What?
[Rango manages to make Beans spit out the bullet onto the vault door with a enough force to make it crack; everyone outside sees the vault door cracking just as it shatters and floods the room]
[upon arriving in the town of Dirt, Rango has a stone thrown at him by a group of children ]
Hey! What was that for?
[taken back]
Oh, yeah? You're funny-lookin', too.
That's a funny-lookin' shirt.
[getting annoyed]
That's a funny-lookin' dress.
You got funny-lookin' eyes.
You got a funny-lookin' FACE!
[beat]
You're a stranger. Strangers don't last long here.
