Sergeant Turley quotes from Rango (2011)

Waffles

Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.

Buford

This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.

Elgin

That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.

I remember them; they were quite friendly.

I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]

Sergeant Turley

You... might wanna get that looked at.

Doc

Uh, pass the beans, Beans.

Beans

Sheriff?

Rango

Uh, no, thank you.

So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?

Doc

Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.

Waffles

Is it true what they say?

Rango

Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]

Sergeant Turley

Uh, the other side of what?

Rango

It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]

Waffles

Ow! My eye!

Rango

Uh, that's gonna heal right up.

Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?

Rango

What, where?!

Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.

Rango

Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.

Sergeant Turley

Your brother?

Rango

THAT'S WHAT I SAID!

Buford

But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.

Rango

Well, Mama had an active social life.

Did he ever bite you?

Rango

Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!

Doc

Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.

Rango

Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.

Waffles

Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?

Rango

Them's what we call his natural predator.

Sergeant Turley

All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!

Buford

I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!

Rango

Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.

Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]

Rango

I see you're consulting with the spirits.

No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.

Rango

Heh. I'll keep that in mind.

Cactus fruit.

Rango

Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]

Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.

Waffles

What'd he say?

They're ridin' sidesaddle!

Buford

What?

Beans

Shh, we're whispering!

What'd he say?

Sergeant Turley

Someone's got a bad valve!

Doc

Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?

Awkward.

Waffles

Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?

Rango

Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.

Buford

Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe has something to do with it!

Elgin

I thought we was following bank robbers!

Sergeant Turley

We're experiencing a paradigm shift!

Elgin

I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!

Turley

Well, go ahead and try!!

Rango

Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling, your affecting my cogitation! [the fight stops, he gets an idea] Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches. [they all put out their torches]

Elgin

Sure enough.

Smart thinkin' there, feller.

Waffles

Start climbin'. [the gang begins to climb]

Hey, get your foot outta my face!

Rango

Not bad, huh, Beans?

Beans

You keep thinkin' like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.

Rango

Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just... [puts his hat on, then notices it's on fire and tries to put it out] AAH! Hot, hot! Burn! Ah, ooh, ow!

Rango

Now, I'm dependin' on you, Spoons. [Spoons spits on his beard] Ooh, you got a little tobacky in the beard there. [Spoons jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Doc] Always good to have a medical man along, Doc. [Doc jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Buford] Reptiles gotta stick together, right, my brother?

Buford

I'm an amphibian.

Rango

Ain't no shame in that. [Buford jumps into the hole, Rango is about to give a torch to Sergeant Turley, but then sees the arrow through his right eye] Oh! Ya sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?

Sergeant Turley

What?

Rango

Well, you got something in your eye there.

Sergeant Turley

Oh, that! That there's conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.

Rango

Oh, well, (I meant your other one, but) I'm glad to hear it's not contagious. [gives the torch to Sergeant Turley, who jumps into the hole; Rango is about to give a torch to Beans, but then stops] Now, just wait a cotton-pickin' minute! A posse ain't no place for a– [Beans swipes the torch away and then jumps into the hole] Never mind. [looks at Priscilla] Whoa, hold on, little sister. Someone's gonna hafta look after the town while I'm gone. [Priscilla takes out 2 guns]

Priscilla

Can I gut-shoot someone?

Rango

Uh, let's put a pin in that.

Priscilla

Sheriff, you're gonna bring that water back, aren't you?

Rango

Count on it, little sister.

Jedidiah

He got it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Balthazar

Hallelujah!

Jedidiah

Ya found the water!

Balthazar

You did it, son!

Ezekiel

Well, actually...

Balthazar

WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!

Ezekiel

Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.

Balthazar

Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.

Rango

YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!

Balthazar

What's that?

Ezekiel

I think they's thespians!

Balthazar

Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!

Rango

The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!

Beans

I yearn for love.

Rango

Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)

Elgin

Hark, who goes there?

Balthazar

This plot's highly predictable.

Ezekiel

Quiet! This is my favorite part!

Rango

Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.

Sergeant Turley

Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?

Ezekiel

"REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]

Balthazar

W-w-w-w-what was that?

Jedidiah

Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!

Balthazar

My entire family?

♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪

Rango

It's a full house.

Balthazar

Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.

Rango

I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.

Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!

What's that? What's that supposed to be?!

Elgin

That's the signal.

Waffles

Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!

Balthazar

So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?

Rango

I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!

Beans

GET ON THE WAGON!

Balthazar

Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?

Jedidiah

Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.

Balthazar

Maybelle, give the holler!

Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!

Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]

Waffles

It's impossible.

Beans

It can't be. It's empty.

There's no water!

Balthazar

No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?

Rango

Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!

Jedidiah

Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.

Balthazar

That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?

Beans

A what?

Rango

Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.

Ezekiel

Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.

Jedidiah

Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.

Beans

Then where'd you get this here jug?

Ezekiel

That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.

Balthazar

THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]

Rango

Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?

Ezekiel

Uh, huh! That's right!

Elgin

Eh, I don't believe a word of him.

Buford

Let's hang him, sheriff!

Sergeant Turley

String 'em up!

Who would dump water in the desert?

Beans

Wouldn't be the first time.

Waffles

It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!

What's goin' on, sheriff?

Rango

I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.