R Roadkill
[After Rango gets lost in the desert from the car accident.]
Oye! That's right! You! [Rango gasps, drops his draft glass and walks slowly] Don't be shy. Come on. It's okay. That's it, a little closer. Good.
R Roadkill
[The camera pans over to the armadillo named Roadkill, who is split in half by car's tire.]
I won't bite you. [grunts in pain] I need a little help here.
Rango Uh, are you okay?
R Roadkill
I must... get to the other side.
Rango The other side? You mean, just now, that was you crossing the road? That's why the... [mimics the car accident] Why'd you do that?!
R Roadkill
This is my quest. He waits for me.
Rango What? Who?
R Roadkill
The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one. They say he rides an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him.
Rango What are you talking about?
R Roadkill
Enlightenment. We are nothing without it.
Rango Nothing? Your delusional quest just ruined my life! I had an incredibly complex social network going, highly sophisticated friends! I was very popular!
R Roadkill
Friends? I don't see no friends.
Rango Uh...
R Roadkill
You are a very lonely lizard.
Rango [extended version]
Look, I need water. Hydration. My teeth are chapped. I need lotion. I'm down to one layer of skin already. Pretty soon, I'm gonna see my insides. Now, quite unlike you've got going there. Listen, I can't survive in the desert, okay? I-I don't belong here.
R Roadkill
That may be true, but here you are. Now help me up, and I will help you find what you seek.
Rango Y-You will?
R Roadkill
And perhaps more. Quickly, now. I must get back to my quest.
Rango You mean you've done this before?
R Roadkill
Yes, many time. Come, come. That's it. Pull my finger.
Rango Uh...
R Roadkill
The spirit is waiting for me.
Rango Okay, okay. [tries to help Roadkill up, but struggles and then gives up] Okay. That's not gonna work.
R Roadkill
I must get to the other side.
Rango Why don't you just wait until there are no cars coming?
R Roadkill
It's not so easy as it looks.
Rango What now?
R Roadkill
It's a metaphor.
Rango ”4 score and 7 years ago, our fathers...”
Rango Huh? What? [looks up at the Desert Cactus then continues to move after a brief pause]
Rango [suddenly alert]
Not moving!
Rango [whispers]
Not moving.
RE Rock-Eye
Try to blend in.
Rango Huh? Blend in? What do you mean? [notices Rock-Eye, who is in camouflage to look like a rock]
RE Rock-Eye
[opens his eye]
Blend in! [closes his eye]
Rango Huh? What are you saying? [a huge hawk soars overhead] Ahh!
Rango No, no, no, it's not too late! I'm blending. [throws sand on himself] I'm a blender! [runs around in panic, searching for a place to hide]
RE Rock-Eye
Hey, calm down! What are you doing?! Tranquillo! [Rango hides behind a cactus, but then runs and yowls in pain when the thorns dig into his skin] STOP MOVING! Try not to look conspicuous. [Rango poses like the cactus behind him, and then ducks next to Rock-Eye and changes color] Hey, psst. What are you doing?
Rango I'm blending.
RE Rock-Eye
Go blend somewhere else.
Rango Don't distract me.
RE Rock-Eye
No room in the inn.
Rango It's an art, not a science.
RE Rock-Eye
Find your own hiding place.
Rango No, this is good! [the hawk flies by again, before turning to attack]
RE Rock-Eye
OH! Here she comes! You better run, mojito!
Rango Wait, what? I thought you said, "Don't move"!
RE Rock-Eye
That was before. Now, you run. [Rango runs as the hawk starts to chase him, while Rock-Eye laughs] Adios, amigo!
Rango So, what's your name?
Rango That's a funny kinda name.
What can I say? My daddy plum loved baked beans.
Rango Well, you're lucky he didn't "plum love" asparagus.
Rango I, err... I enjoy a hearty good puttanesca myself, but I'm not sure that a child would appreciate the moniker.
Well, my daddy was a great man, even if he did exhibit the proclaim for legumes, and--
Rango [eating powder]
Mmm, spicy.
Rango Ew! You carry his remains?
No, his ashes. He loved to smoke. They never found the body.
Rango Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.
Rango Nothing.
My daddy was never near that mine shaft. He'd been sober for over a month! And for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental responsibilities at a delicate time in my personal development is an affront to my sense- [freezes in trance]
Rango Miss Beans? Miss Beans? Hello? [whistles] Hello?
[Rango looks upon, moves Beans' left arm up and down, and stands next to her with his hand on her left shoulder. Beans suddenly comes out of trance.]
-And until the people of Andromeda Five return him safe and sound, I will not sell my ranch!
Rango What... What are you doing?
Rango What am I doing?
Rango You were frozen.
Rango Yes, you were. You stopped talking.
It's a defense mechanism. Actually, lots of lizards have it.
Rango You're making that up.
Rango [upon arriving in the town of Dirt, Rango has a stone thrown at him by a group of children ]
Hey! What was that for?
Rango [taken back]
Oh, yeah? You're funny-lookin', too.
That's a funny-lookin' shirt.
Rango [getting annoyed]
That's a funny-lookin' dress.
You got funny-lookin' eyes.
Rango You got a funny-lookin' FACE!
[beat]
You're a stranger. Strangers don't last long here.
Hey there, fruit-cup. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya? Who exactly are you?
Rango [Rango notices his reflection distorted in the bar's dirty mirror, and the words "Hecho en Durango" stamped on a bottle of cactus juice he is holding.] [internal monologue]
Who am I? I could be anyone.'’ [his thumb covers the words, only showing "Rango".]
What's the matter, you missing your mama's mangoes?
Rango [emboldened]
As a matter of fact, I am. [slams bottle down, and whirls on Spoons] But not as much as your DADDY'S COOKING!
[Bar patrons gasp.] [thrown-off by Rango's statement]
Exactly where did you say you were from?
Rango Me...? I-I'm from the West! Out there, beyond the horizon, past the sunset. The Far West. [begins strutting around the bar.] Yeah, that's right, hombres. The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite. [snags a patron's toothpick with his tongue.] Then we salt 'im, then we pepper 'im, then we braise 'im in clarified butter... [takes a gopher's Stetson] And then... we eat him.
Ya eat 'im?
Rango: THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I've seen things that'll make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions! You spend 3 days in a horse carcass living off your own juices - it'll change a man. Oh yeah. [accidentally sends a shuffled deck of cards flying] Got a few extra aces in this deck, gents - just the way I like it. So no, my hairsome little rodent friend, I am not from around these parts. You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewin' and Hell waitin' to be raised. You could say I'm what Hell's already raised up. Name's... RANGO.
E Elbows
Hey, are you that guy who killed them Jenkins brothers?
Rango Uh-huh, killed them with 1 bullet. Don't get no deader.
Rango [nervously]
That's right, all 7 of them.
Exactly, how did you do that, Mr. Rango?
Rango You know, I'm glad you asked me that. And I'll be happy to tell you how, but you're all gonna have to listen up! Because this is where it gets... complicated.
[he and his gang fire their guns at a citizen]
DANCE FOR ME, SOD BUSTER!!
K Kinski
DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN!!
C Chorizo
THAT'S RIGHT, DANCE!!
YOU GOT CORN IN YOUR EARS, MATE?! YOU DON'T PAY THE MORTGAGE, YOU DON'T OWN THE LAND!
K Kinski
That's basic real estate law, my friend!
[points a dagger at Sod Buster]
If I see your face in this town again, I'm gonna slice it off and use it to wipe my unmentionables.
[kicks Sod Buster out of the saloon]
AND DON'T COME BACK! [turns to see everyone looking] What are you all gawping at?
[Everyone backs up nervously, Bad Bill sniffs walks to the bar.]
Hey, Bad Bill, there's something I want to tell--!
[Bad Bill muffles Waffles' mouth and stops at the bar, where he sees Rango next to him.]
Oy. What is this?
You know who that is, Bill? That there's Rango.
Yeah, he ain't afraid of you. He ain't afraid of none of you.
L Lenny
Killed them Jenkins brothers.
M Melonee
Done it with one bullet, Bill.
H Hitch
All seven of them.
Is that right?
[Bad Bill takes a cigar from Buford's mouth and takes a drag, blowing smoke in Buford's face. Rango coughs as a result, and Bad Bill then shoves a cigar in front of Rango's face. Acting quickly, Rango snatches the cigar from Bad Bill's mouth, examines it for a moment, and then swallows it. Everyone gasps in surprise. Rango taps his finger on the bar counter, prompting Buford to pour him a shot, which he drinks in one gulp. Then, he unexpectedly belches fire directly into Bad Bill's face, leaving everyone in shock. Bad Bill exclaims in anger and glares at Rango, his face still smouldering. He grabs a towel to try to put out the flames.]
Rango Um... let me get that... yeah... Oh, I know. Here. [splashes some cactus juice on his face to put out much of the fire, sees one tiny remaining flame] Oh, here, let me get that for you. [wipes the tiny flame out with the towel] There, all better.
[Bad Bill gets the gun out and pushes it to him on the counter. Rango looks at Bad Bill with his idea.]
Excuse me, Sheriff Rango. I wanna talk to you...
Rango Hey, Beans! What do you think of the new duds? I got a ten-gallon hat marked down for fifteen!
Rango Have you met Angelique?
A Angelique
Hello, Beans.
K Kid
Excuse me, Mr. Rango.
Rango [aims his gun at kid's face]
I WILL BLOW THAT UGLY RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!
K Kid
I was just thinking that... [shows his notepad]
Rango Oh. [chuckles nervously] You want the old John Hancock, do ya? Here, hold this. [hands his gun to the kid]
Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.
K Kid
[looks into the barrel of Rango's gun]
There's a bullet in there!
Rango [as he signs the kid's notepad]
Oh, I know. I know all about the old shindig this afternoon. I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
Sheriff, I'd like to file...
Rango Oh, you too? No problem. [takes the mother's bible and signs it] Here, let me just...
I need ya to investigate...
Rango Y'know, Beans, I betcha clean real nice if ya put a little effort into it.
Rango [to the kid]
Now, remember, son, stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare. [takes his gun]
SHERIFF RANGO! If that is your real name. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown, while you're playing pattycake with this here trollop-! [freezes in trance]
A Angelique
[places a bowl of fruit on Beans' head]
Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.
Rango Why does she do that?
Her switch is just broken.
Rango Well, that's an inconvenience.
[suddenly comes out of her trance]
-It is not a rash! It is a birthmark! [sees the bowl of fruit on her head] I did it again, didn't I?
Rango Did what?
Let me ask you somethin', did anybody here mentioned what happened to our last sheriff?
[Rango hears a hammer pounding and sees a spider building a coffin; the spider smiles at Rango, causing him to gulp in fear]
Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.
[eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches]
This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
I remember them; they were quite friendly.
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
You... might wanna get that looked at.
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
Rango Uh, no, thank you.
So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Is it true what they say?
Rango Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Uh, the other side of what?
Rango It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Rango Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
A Ambrose
Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
Rango [rattling can be heard]
What, where?!
[rattles his spoons]
Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Rango Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
Rango THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Rango Well, Mama had an active social life.
Rango Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Rango Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Rango Them's what we call his natural predator.
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Rango Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
Rango [clears throat]
This is a heck of a hoedown you got going. Still workin' out those steps. So is this considered normal civic behavior.
Mm-hmm. Every Wednesday. Just like clockwork.
WB Wounded Bird
You kill bird.
Rango Yeah. Matter of fact, I did.
WB Wounded Bird
Bird dead; snake come.
Rango Snake?
He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr. Rango. He never comes to town because he's scared of that hawk. But he might come now. Can I have your boots when you're dead?
Rango No! I ain't got no problem with this Rattlesnake Jake.
That's just what Amos said.
Rango Amos?
[camera zooms to the graveyard, where one the tombstones reads "Sheriff Amos"]
You got any gold fillings?
Rango [notices Wounded Bird shedding his feathers, then walks over to him]
I see you're consulting with the spirits.
WB Wounded Bird
No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.
Rango [nervously]
Heh. I'll keep that in mind.
WB Wounded Bird
[picks up a cactus fruit with his staff]
Cactus fruit.
Rango Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]
WB Wounded Bird
Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
They're ridin' sidesaddle!
Someone's got a bad valve!
Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?
Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?
Rango Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.
[Rango notices a hole popping out the road, Ezekiel and Jedidiah pop out]
This ain't the bank!
Rango HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!
Rango Get your hands up where I can see 'em! [Ezekiel and Jedidiah do so] Just as I suspected. [puts his gun away] Prospecting without the authorized equipment. Don't move a muscle. [walks away]
Prospecting? [Ezekiel shrugs]
Rango [comes back with equipment]
Now, got your shovel, pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah, assorted snacks, some puzzle books, and you're gonna need a permit.
[shouts out from the hole]
EZEKIEL! JEDIDIAH! WHAT THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON UP THERE?! [comes out of the hole while whacking Ezekiel and Jedidiah on the head] I'VE HAD POLYPS REMOVED SMARTER THAN THE TWO OF YOU! [sniffs the air] Hell's fire! This ain't the bank!
Hey, Pappy. The sheriff's standing right here, helping us out.
Gonna give us a permit for "prospecting".
Rango Yep, just doing my duty. The lonely constable on his rounds, keeping an eagle eye out for mayhem and malfeasance.
Does he look like what he sounds?
Well, sheriff, if we was to hit the motherlode, being prospectors and such, where exactly do we deposit said annuity?
Rango Well, here in the town of Dirt, we happen to have the finest financial institution in this side of Missouri. [points to the Bank of Dirt] Protected morning, noon and night by yours truly. [gives Balthazar the permit]
Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe has something to do with it!
I thought we was following bank robbers!
We're experiencing a paradigm shift!
I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!
Rango [the gang get into a fight]
Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling, your affecting my cogitation! [the fight stops, he gets an idea] Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches. [they all put out their torches]
[a bright light can be seen from the ceiling]
Sure enough.
Smart thinkin' there, feller.
Start climbin'. [the gang begins to climb]
Hey, get your foot outta my face!
Rango Not bad, huh, Beans?
You keep thinkin' like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.
Rango Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just... [puts his hat on, then notices it's on fire and tries to put it out] AAH! Hot, hot! Burn! Ah, ooh, ow!
Rango [gives a torch to Spoons]
Now, I'm dependin' on you, Spoons. [Spoons spits on his beard] Ooh, you got a little tobacky in the beard there. [Spoons jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Doc] Always good to have a medical man along, Doc. [Doc jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Buford] Reptiles gotta stick together, right, my brother?
Rango Ain't no shame in that. [Buford jumps into the hole, Rango is about to give a torch to Sergeant Turley, but then sees the arrow through his right eye] Oh! Ya sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?
Rango Well, you got something in your eye there.
Oh, that! That there's conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.
Rango Oh, well, (I meant your other one, but) I'm glad to hear it's not contagious. [gives the torch to Sergeant Turley, who jumps into the hole; Rango is about to give a torch to Beans, but then stops] Now, just wait a cotton-pickin' minute! A posse ain't no place for a– [Beans swipes the torch away and then jumps into the hole] Never mind. [looks at Priscilla] Whoa, hold on, little sister. Someone's gonna hafta look after the town while I'm gone. [Priscilla takes out 2 guns]
Rango [nervously]
Uh, let's put a pin in that.
Sheriff, you're gonna bring that water back, aren't you?
Rango Count on it, little sister.
He got it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[hits Jedidiah with his staff]
WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!
Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.
Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.
Rango [disguising his voice as a woman wearing Beans' dress, while all the other prepare do to a skit]
YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!
[while reading a book]
I think they's thespians!
Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
Rango [still using his disguise voice]
The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!
[wearing the Wounded Bird's blanket and seen with a bored expression on her face]
I yearn for love.
Rango Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)
This plot's highly predictable.
Quiet! This is my favorite part!
Rango Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.
[as he says his lines, Rango mouths them, unnoticed by Balthazar and his sons, to make sure Turley gets them right.]
Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?
"REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]
Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!
[chuckles]
My entire family?
G Gophers
[at that moment, millions of gophers crawl out of the ground, chanting]
♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪
Rango [silently]
It's a full house.
Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.
Rango I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.
Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!
What's that? What's that supposed to be?!
Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!
[Spoons starts doing flag signals and then runs to a campfire and makes smoke signals]
So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?
Rango I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!
[the boar runs rampant across the scene]
GET ON THE WAGON!
[the Dirtonians climb aboard]
Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?
Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.
Maybelle, give the holler!
M Maybelle
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!
G Gophers
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]
No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Rango Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
Rango [clears throat]
Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Then where'd you get this here jug?
[to Balthazar]
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Rango Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
A Ambrose
Who would dump water in the desert?
Wouldn't be the first time.
It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
What's goin' on, sheriff?
Rango I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
Rango [Rango is playing golf with the mayor]
Sumthin' you said keeps rattlin' around in my frontal lobe.
Rango "Control the water, and you control everything."
[chuckles]
Come now, Mr. Rango. You tribute divine power to me. How on earth could I possibly control the water?
Rango You've obviously mastered this game.
Well, I've been playing it for many years, sir. I was here before the highway split this great valley. I watched the march of progress, and I learned a thing or two. Perhaps it's time you started to take the long view, begin to appreciate the broad sweep of history. Look out there, son. You can almost see time passing.
Rango [Rango looks through a telescope and sees gophers doing construction]
What are you building out here?
The future, Mr. Rango. The future. One day soon, all this will fade into myth. The frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger. There's no place for them anymore. We're civilized now.
That's what the future holds. You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.
Rango Is that what happened to Mr. Merrimack? Did he get left behind?
Careful, Mr. Rango. You seem to forget you're just one little lizard.
Rango You seem to forget I'm the law around these parts. [walks away]
Our new Sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he’s actually starting to believe it. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.
Uh… Jake’s the Grim Reaper. He never leaves without takin’ a blimin’ soul.
[to Rango]
Hello, "brother". Thirsty? [fills glass with venom and throws it to the ground] Long time, "brother". How you been keepin'?
Rango Oh, well, you know– [Jake quiets him with a loud hiss]
I hear you been tellin' about how you killed all them Jenkins brothers. With one bullet, weren't it? [chuckles] Ain't that right? All these good folks here believe your little stories, don't they? Why, they believe you're just a stone killer, don't they? Seems these folks trust you. They think you're gonna save their little town. They think you're gonna save their little souls! But we know better, don't we? [turns to Beans and licks her cheek before turning back to Rango] So why don't you show your friends what you're made of? Show 'em who you really are? [pulls out gun] Why don't you just pull your gun and shoot me? [empties out most of the bullets] But of course, you won't need all of these. Just one, right? [gives Rango the gun and points it in his face] Go head, hero. Pull the trigger. [Rango doesn't shoot] You got killer in your eyes, son? ... I don't see it. [Rango lowers his gun] You didn't do any of them things you said, did you? You didn't kill them Jenkins Brothers. You ain't even from the West, are you?! [Rango doesn't speak] Say it!
Rango [whispers]
No.
Oh, speak up! I don't think your friends here heard you.
Rango No.
All you've done is lie to these good people. You ain't nothing but a fake and a coward. Ain't that right?
Rango [softly]
Yes.
Rango [clearly]
Yes.
[the townsfolk, alongside Beans, stare at Rango in disbelief.] [slithers around Rango]
Listen close, you pathetic fraud. This is my town now. If I ever see you again, I will take your soul straight down to HELL! [grabs Rango and drops him to his knees]
[Rango stands up and looks at the scornful citizens who felt lied to. He then begins to leave.] Beans [to Rango, puzzled.] Who are you?
[Rango silently walks away. The Mariachi Owls watch Rango walking sadly.]
Rango [wakes up in the middle of the desert and finds a golf cart with Oscars in the back]
Golden guardians. The alabaster carriage. [sees the Spirit of the West] The Spirit of the West. Um, excuse me, Mr. Spirit, sir?
SO Spirit of the West
[picks up a fishing hook]
Ah, there's a beaut. Sometimes, you gotta dig deep to find what you're looking for. [to Rango] So, you made it.
Rango Is this heaven?
SO Spirit of the West
If it were, wouldn't we be eating Pop-Tarts with Kim Novak.
Rango Yeah, no kiddin'. What are you doing out here?
SO Spirit of the West
Searching, same as you.
Rango Yeah, I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't even know who I am. Hey, they used to call you "The Man with No Name".
SO Spirit of the West
These days, they got a name for just about everything. It doesn't matter what they call you; it's the deeds that make the man.
Rango But my deeds just made things worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phoney! My friends believed in me, but they need some kind of hero...
SO Spirit of the West
Then be a hero.
Rango No, no, no, you don't understand. I'm not even supposed to be here.
SO Spirit of the West
That's right. You came a long way to find something that isn't out here. Don't you see? It's not about you. It's about them.
Rango But I can't go back...
SO Spirit of the West
You don't know that you got a choice, son. [draws a rectangle on the dirty window] No man can walk out on his own story. [The spirit then drives off into the fog]
I appreciate how difficult this is for you, Beans, but you're making a practical decision.
There's no need for any more suffering. [drinks from his glass of water] Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now. Sign the deed, and relieve yourself of your father's burden.
[Looks ready to drink from her glass, but then becomes angry]
My daddy was not a burden! [throws the water in the Mayor's face] Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!
[the Mayor's face twitches; on cue, Rattlesnake Jake darts forward and traps Beans in his coils]
Do what he says, or by all the fires of the black pit, I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes outta your skull!
Now, hold on, Jake, there's no need to–
[interrupts the Mayor by bringing his head down to the Mayor's desk]
LET ME DO MY JOB! You brought me in, now we're gonna play this thing out to the end! [Turns back to Beans] Sign the damn paper, woman!
Where do you think I come from? Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die. [Brings his fangs closer to Beans, until he hears Rango shouting from outside]
Rango JAKE! I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT! JAKE!
[moving to the window and seeing Rango]
This day just got a little more interestin'...
[After the water bursts into Dirt]
I'm gonna blow so many holes in you, your guts'll be leakin' lead!
Rango Then it's a good thing I bought some backup.
[a hawk flies overhead. Jake sees it and hides, then notices something amiss.]
What? [sees that the "hawk" was really a flock of bats flying in formation] Ain't no hawk! Ain't nothing but bats! [goes out in the open and shoots at them]
M Maybelle
Stick to the plan, boys! Let's bleed the devil dry!
Rango [the flock spreads out. Jake shoots and laughs madly until he runs out of ammo. He turns to see Rango aiming his gun at him]
It only takes one bullet.
You ain't got the nerve...
Rango [**** the gun]
Try me.
[Jake looks in his eyes and is stunned, realizing Rango is dead serious]
Oh, Mr. Rango. Aren't you forgetting something?
[they take Beans into the Bank of Dirt]
Hand me your gun, Sheriff! [He pauses as he looks at his gun] Now, Mr. Rango!
[Rango slowly walks to Mayor]
Rango [the Mayor's goons lock Rango and Beans in the flooding bank vault]
Beans! Hold on! Don't worry! I got a plan! [to the vault door] HEEELLLLLLP! [bangs on the door] OPEN THE DOOR! Okay, Plan B! [Beans mumbles] What?! Beans, you're mumblin'!
[outside the vault door]
All my problems taken care of... except for one. [aims Rango's gun at Jake]
It's a new West, Jake. There's no room for gunslingers anymore. We're businessmen now.
S Stump
We've got new hats! [points to his bowler hat]
Rango [meanwhile, inside the vault] [holding his only bullet]
Where I come from, we call this... [puts the bullet in his mouth] improvisation. [unties the gag from Beans]
You came back! [kisses Rango on the lips but then accidentally swallows the bullet and chokes] What was that?!
Rango No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed Plan B.
What?! [freezes in trance and sinks into the water]
Rango Okay, panic time.
[back outside]
You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed. [inside the vault, Rango attempts to hiemleck the bullet out of Beans] One last bullet to kill one last outlaw. [Jake angrily glares at him] How fitting. [pulls the trigger but nothing happens] What?
[Rango manages to make Beans spit out the bullet onto the vault door with a enough force to make it crack; everyone outside sees the vault door cracking just as it shatters and floods the room]
[After Rango and Beans are freed from the bank vault by a single bullet]
Now, Sheriff. I'm sure if we work together, we can reach a mutually beneficial solution to our current situation…
Rango You better take it up with him.
One bullet. [Turns to Rango and tips his hat at him] I tip my hat to you. One legend to another. [Rango tips his hat as well. Mayor whimpers helplessly as Jake turns to him.] What was that you said? "Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed..." [lunges]
No, Jake! No! NOOO!!!
[Jake grabs the screaming Mayor in his coils and drags him away into the desert]
