Ed Wood Is there a script?
****, no. But there's a poster. [he holds up a movie poster for "I Changed My Sex"]
Played by Johnny Depp 
Ed Wood (1994) · 56 quotes
Ed Wood (1994) · 56 quotes
Most-quoted character in Ed Wood (1994): in 39 of its 56 quotes
Most scenes with: Bela Lugosi (10), Mr. Reynolds (7), Weiss (6)
Scenes with Ed Wood
39 scenes Ed Wood On the phone you said you had some "special qualifications"?
Ed Mister Weiss... I have never told anyone what I'm about to tell you. But I really want this job. [pauses, takes a deep breath] I like to wear women's clothing.
You're a fruit?
Ed No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
You're not a fruit?
Ed No, I'm all man. I even fought in W.W. Two. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.
Ed Wood Mister Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin?
I'm planning on dying soon.
Ed No!
Yes. I'm embarking on another truck and bus tour of "Dracula". Twelve cities in ten days, if that's concievable.
Ed You know, you're, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movies.
Thank you.
I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.
Ed Wood Well... I have a car.
Ed Wood Boy, Mister Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
I have no next picture.
Ed You gotta be joking. A big star like you? You must have dozens of 'em lined up.
In the old days, yes. Now, no one gives two ****s for Bela.
Ed Wood Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?
Tits.
Ed No, better than that. A star!
Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures, I make crap.
Ed Yes — but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something!
Yeah. Crap with a star.
All right, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days. We start shooting a week from Monday.
Ed Oh... oh, Mister Weiss, thank you so much! You won't regret it! I won't let you down!
Ed Wood [Ed and Bela are watching Vampira's TV show.]
Oh, I hate it when she interrupts the picture. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect.
I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs!
Ed Wood [Bela is doing his trademark "hypnotic" hand gesture.]
My gosh, Bela, how do you do that?
You must be double-jointed. And you must be Hungarian.
[Bela arrives while Ed is on the phone with Bunny Breckinridge.]
Eddie, you got me a new picture, eh?
Ed Wood Yes. It's gonna be a great picture and you'll love your character. Have a seat. [back on phone] Listen, Bunny? Bela's here. I gotta go. Listen, work some parties, hit the bars, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! All right. Bye. [hangs up]
Eddie... what kind of a movie is this?
Ed Wood [Ed, dressed in drag for a scene as Glenda, addresses his crew on the first day of filming.]
Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey: four days of hard work. But when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people.
Conrad Brooks
You know which movie of yours I love, Mister Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray". You were great as Karloff's sidekick.
Karloff? Sidekick? **** YOU! Karloff does not deserve to smell my SHIT! That Limey **** can rot in hell for all I care!
Ed Wood W-what happened?
How dare that asshole bring up Karloff? You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein? It's all, all makeup, and-and grunting. [imitates Frankenstein] Grrr-Rrrr!
Ed I agree, Bela. I agree a hundred percent. Now Dracula — there's a part that takes talent.
Ed Wood [On the set, Ed has taken to wearing women's clothing full-time.]
But, Georgie, I'm proud! I wrote, directed, and starred in it, just like Orson Welles did in "Citizen Kane".
Yeah? Well, Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he?
How can you walk around like that in front of all these people?
Ed Well, hon, look around. Nobody's bothered but you.
Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with a bunch of weirdos!
[Ed, Dolores, and Bunny are at a professional wrestling show.]
Guess where I'm going next week.
Ed Wood I don't know. Where?
Me-hee-co. Guess what I'm doing when I get there.
Ed I don't know — lie on a beach.
Wrong. I'm getting my first series of hormone injections. And when those girls kick in, they're gonna take out my organs and make me... a woman.
Ed Are you serious?
It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. But it wasn't until I saw your movie that I realized I have to take action! Goodbye, penis!
Would you please keep it down?
Ed Wood Bela, what's in the needle?
Morphine. With a Demerol chaser.
Ed Wood [Ed is on the phone with Mr. Feldman at Warner Brothers Studios.]
So — we gonna be working together? [pauses to listen] Really? Worst film you ever saw. Well, my next one will be better. Hello. Hello?
And who may you be?
Ed Wood Edward D. Wood, Junior.
Ah — the director of "Glen or Glenda".
Ed How'd you know?
I am Criswell. I know all.
Ed Wood Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out some time. Grab some dinner, maybe.
You mean a date? I thought you were a ****.
Ed No, no. I'm just a transvestite.
[Ed has hustled a group of reporters and photographers out of Bela's room at the sanitorium.]
Eddie, why did you chase them?
Ed Bela, those people are parasites! They just wanna exploit you.
So what? Let them. Finally the press is interested again in Bela Lugosi. There is no such thing as bad press, Eddie. Man from New York even said he was going to put me on the front page — first celebrity ever to check into rehab.
Ed Wood [In the waiting room, Ed strikes up a conversation with a girl in an angora sweater.]
Don't you think angora has a certain tactile sensuality lacking in all other fabrics?
Kathy O'Hara
Well, I suppose so. It is awfully expensive.
Ed Well, it's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas.
Kathy
Say, what are you — an angora wholesaler?
Ed Wood [Ed and Kathy O'Hara are on a first date at a carnival.]
I'm about to tell you something that I've never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know... [takes a deep breath] I like to wear women's clothing.
Kathy O'Hara
[There is a long pause.]
...Huh?
Ed I like to wear women's clothing. Panties, brassieres, pumps, sweaters... it's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I really like you and I don't want it getting in the way down the road.
Kathy
Does this mean... you don't like sex with girls?
Ed No, I love sex with girls.
Kathy
[after a pause for thought]
Okay.
Ed Okay?
Kathy
Okay.
Minister
Welcome, brother! Do you reject Satan and all his works?
Sure.
[Sputtering, newly baptized Bunny joins Ed at poolside.]
How do you do it? How do you get all your friends to get baptized, just so you can make a monster movie?
Ed Wood It's not a monster movie, it's a supernatural thriller.
[Ed's Baptist church sponsors dispute his directorial decisions.]
Mister Wood, do you know anything about the art of filmmaking?
Ed Wood Well, I like to think so!
[The Baptists object to Tor Johnson's speaking part.]
Why does he have all the lines? The man's unintelligible!
Ed Look, Lugosi's dead and Vampira won't talk. I had to give somebody the dialogue!
Ed These Baptists are... stupid, stupid, STUPID!
Ed Wood You're the ruler of the universe. Try to show a little taste!
Ed Wood This is the one. This is the one I'll be remembered for. [at premiere of Plan 9 from Outer Space]
Ed Wood Say, Bill, which dress works best for you, the red one or the green one?
Cameraman
Which one is the red one?
Ed Wood What do you mean?
Cameraman
I mean I can't see the difference. I'm colorblind. But I kinda like the dark gray one.
Ed Wood [over the phone]
Georgie, what happened? I thought Glen or Glenda was opening this week! Where's the ads?
"Where's the ads?" The ads are in Alabama, Indiana and Missouri, you schmuck! It ain't gonna play in L.A.!
Ed Wood Why not?
Nobody wants to see this piece of shit!
Ed Wood Hey, you can't talk that way about my movie!
Your movie?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I had never blown every dime I ever made into making this stinkbomb! And if I ever see ya again, I'll kill ya! [angrily hangs up]
Before we begin shooting Mr. Wood, we have a few questions.
Yes. The script contains numerous references to grave robbing. Now we find the concept of digging up concecrated ground to be highly offensive. It is blasphemy.
Ed Wood What are you talking about? It's the premise of the movie. It's the title of the movie, for Christ's sake!
But Mr. Wood!
Yes, about that title, it strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don't we change it to "Plan 9 From Outer Space?"
Ed Wood Ha! That's ridiculous.
Ed Wood [Ed finishes shooting a scene.]
And cut! Print! We're moving on! That was perfect.
"Perfect?" Mister Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?
Ed Wood Well, I like to think so!
That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phoney.
Ed Wood Nobody will ever notice that. Filmmaking is not about the tiny details. It's about the big picture.
The big picture?
Ed Wood Yes!
Then how about when the policemen arrived in daylight, but, now it's suddenly night?
Ed Wood What do you know? Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?
[The Baptists object to Tor Johnson's speaking part.]
What'd you give him all the lines for? He's unintelligible!
Ed Look, Lugosi's dead and Vampira won't talk. I had to give somebody the dialogue!
That is no answer!
Gregory Walcott
Reverend, I'm here.
Ed Wood Who is he?!
This is our choir director. He's gonna play the young hero.
Ed Wood ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE?! I'M THE DIRECTOR! I MAKE THE CASTING DECISIONS AROUND HERE!
I thought this was a group effort.
Ed Wood NO!
Ed They're driving me crazy! These Baptists are... stupid, stupid, STUPID!
How about glitter? When I was a headliner in Paris, audiences always loved it when I sparkled.
Ed Wood No.
Cat's eyes?
Ed Wood No!
Well, I'm gonna need some antennae.
Ed Wood No! You're the ruler of the galaxy. Show a little taste!
Ed Wood [Ed comes out on set in drag and addresses the cast and crew.]
All right, everybody, let's get set up for Scene 112. Move the crypt stage left and let's get Tor's make-up effect ready.
Ed Wood I'm directing.
Not like that you're not!
Remove that getup immediately! You shame our Lord!
Ed Wood [Ed is visibly upset]
THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT!
[Ed storms out of the studio]
Ed Wood Mr. Reynolds?
Yes?
Ed Wood We are gonna finish this picture just the way I want it, because you cannot compromise an artist's vision.
But it's our money.
Ed Wood And you're gonna make a bundle, but only if you shut up, and let me do things my way.
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