Doc quotes from Rango (2011)

Beans

Excuse me, Sheriff Rango. I wanna talk to you...

Rango

Hey, Beans! What do you think of the new duds? I got a ten-gallon hat marked down for fifteen!

Beans

Erm, that's nice...

Rango

Have you met Angelique?

Hello, Beans.

Beans

Hello, Angelique.

Tart.

Beans

Floozie.

Trollop.

Excuse me, Mr. Rango.

Rango

I WILL BLOW THAT UGLY RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!

I was just thinking that... [shows his notepad]

Rango

Oh. [chuckles nervously] You want the old John Hancock, do ya? Here, hold this. [hands his gun to the kid]

Beans

Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.

There's a bullet in there!

Put that down!

Rango

Oh, I know. I know all about the old shindig this afternoon. I ordered myself some right fancy duds.

Beans

Sheriff, I'd like to file...

Mr. Rango!

Rango

Oh, you too? No problem. [takes the mother's bible and signs it] Here, let me just...

Beans

I need ya to investigate...

Rango

Y'know, Beans, I betcha clean real nice if ya put a little effort into it.

Beans

What?

Rango

Now, remember, son, stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare. [takes his gun]

Beans

Sheriff!

Who's Shakespeare?

Beans

SHERIFF RANGO! If that is your real name. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown, while you're playing pattycake with this here trollop-! [freezes in trance]

Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.

Rango

Why does she do that?

It's a survival reflex.

Doc

Her switch is just broken.

Rango

Well, that's an inconvenience.

Beans

-It is not a rash! It is a birthmark! [sees the bowl of fruit on her head] I did it again, didn't I?

Rango

Did what?

Beans

Let me ask you somethin', did anybody here mentioned what happened to our last sheriff?
[Rango hears a hammer pounding and sees a spider building a coffin; the spider smiles at Rango, causing him to gulp in fear]

Waffles

Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.

Buford

This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.

Elgin

That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.

I remember them; they were quite friendly.

I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]

Sergeant Turley

You... might wanna get that looked at.

Doc

Uh, pass the beans, Beans.

Beans

Sheriff?

Rango

Uh, no, thank you.

So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?

Doc

Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.

Waffles

Is it true what they say?

Rango

Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]

Sergeant Turley

Uh, the other side of what?

Rango

It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]

Waffles

Ow! My eye!

Rango

Uh, that's gonna heal right up.

Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?

Rango

What, where?!

Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.

Rango

Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.

Sergeant Turley

Your brother?

Rango

THAT'S WHAT I SAID!

Buford

But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.

Rango

Well, Mama had an active social life.

Did he ever bite you?

Rango

Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!

Doc

Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.

Rango

Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.

Waffles

Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?

Rango

Them's what we call his natural predator.

Sergeant Turley

All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!

Buford

I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!

Rango

Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.

Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]

Rango

I see you're consulting with the spirits.

No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.

Rango

Heh. I'll keep that in mind.

Cactus fruit.

Rango

Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]

Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.

Waffles

What'd he say?

They're ridin' sidesaddle!

Buford

What?

Beans

Shh, we're whispering!

What'd he say?

Sergeant Turley

Someone's got a bad valve!

Doc

Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?

Awkward.

Waffles

Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?

Rango

Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.