Beans quotes from Rango (2011)
Played by Isla Fisher
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Rango: So, what's your name?
Beans: Beans.
Rango: That's a funny kinda name.
Beans: What can I say? My daddy plum loved baked beans.
Rango: Well, you're lucky he didn't "plum love" asparagus.
Beans: Wh-What are you sayin'?
Rango: I, err... I enjoy a hearty good puttanesca myself, but I'm not sure that a child would appreciate the moniker.
Beans: Well, my daddy was a great man, even if he did exhibit the proclaim for legumes, and--
Rango: [eating powder] Mmm, spicy.
Beans: You eatin' his ashes!
Rango: Ew! You carry his remains?
Beans: No, his ashes. He loved to smoke. They never found the body.
Rango: Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.
Beans: What are you implying?
Rango: Nothing.
Beans: My daddy was never near that mine shaft. He'd been sober for over a month! And for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental responsibilities at a delicate time in my personal development is an affront to my sense- [freezes in trance]
Rango: Miss Beans? Miss Beans? Hello? [whistles] Hello?
[Rango looks upon, moves Beans' left arm up and down, and stands next to her with his hand on her left shoulder. Beans suddenly comes out of trance.]
Beans: -And until the people of Andromeda Five return him safe and sound, I will not sell my ranch!
Rango: What... What are you doing?
Beans: What are you doing?
Rango: What am I doing?
Beans: You're cuddling me.
Rango: You were frozen.
Beans: No, I wouldn't.
Rango: Yes, you were. You stopped talking.
Beans: It's a defense mechanism. Actually, lots of lizards have it.
Rango: You're making that up.
Beans: Beans.
Rango: That's a funny kinda name.
Beans: What can I say? My daddy plum loved baked beans.
Rango: Well, you're lucky he didn't "plum love" asparagus.
Beans: Wh-What are you sayin'?
Rango: I, err... I enjoy a hearty good puttanesca myself, but I'm not sure that a child would appreciate the moniker.
Beans: Well, my daddy was a great man, even if he did exhibit the proclaim for legumes, and--
Rango: [eating powder] Mmm, spicy.
Beans: You eatin' his ashes!
Rango: Ew! You carry his remains?
Beans: No, his ashes. He loved to smoke. They never found the body.
Rango: Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.
Beans: What are you implying?
Rango: Nothing.
Beans: My daddy was never near that mine shaft. He'd been sober for over a month! And for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental responsibilities at a delicate time in my personal development is an affront to my sense- [freezes in trance]
Rango: Miss Beans? Miss Beans? Hello? [whistles] Hello?
[Rango looks upon, moves Beans' left arm up and down, and stands next to her with his hand on her left shoulder. Beans suddenly comes out of trance.]
Beans: -And until the people of Andromeda Five return him safe and sound, I will not sell my ranch!
Rango: What... What are you doing?
Beans: What are you doing?
Rango: What am I doing?
Beans: You're cuddling me.
Rango: You were frozen.
Beans: No, I wouldn't.
Rango: Yes, you were. You stopped talking.
Beans: It's a defense mechanism. Actually, lots of lizards have it.
Rango: You're making that up.
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Beans: Excuse me, Sheriff Rango. I wanna talk to you...
Rango: Hey, Beans! What do you think of the new duds? I got a ten-gallon hat marked down for fifteen!
Beans: Erm, that's nice...
Rango: Have you met Angelique?
Angelique: Hello, Beans.
Beans: Hello, Angelique.
Angelique: Tart.
Beans: Floozie.
Angelique: Trollop.
Kid: Excuse me, Mr. Rango.
Rango: [aims his gun at kid's face] I WILL BLOW THAT UGLY RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!
Kid: I was just thinking that... [shows his notepad]
Rango: Oh. [chuckles nervously] You want the old John Hancock, do ya? Here, hold this. [hands his gun to the kid]
Beans: Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.
Kid: [looks into the barrel of Rango's gun] There's a bullet in there!
Mother: Put that down!
Rango: [as he signs the kid's notepad] Oh, I know. I know all about the old shindig this afternoon. I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
Beans: Sheriff, I'd like to file...
Mother: Mr. Rango!
Rango: Oh, you too? No problem. [takes the mother's bible and signs it] Here, let me just...
Beans: I need ya to investigate...
Rango: Y'know, Beans, I betcha clean real nice if ya put a little effort into it.
Beans: What?
Rango: [to the kid] Now, remember, son, stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare. [takes his gun]
Beans: Sheriff!
Kid: Who's Shakespeare?
Beans: SHERIFF RANGO! If that is your real name. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown, while you're playing pattycake with this here trollop-! [freezes in trance]
Angelique: [places a bowl of fruit on Beans' head] Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.
Rango: Why does she do that?
Fergus: It's a survival reflex.
Doc: Her switch is just broken.
Rango: Well, that's an inconvenience.
Beans: [suddenly comes out of her trance] -It is not a rash! It is a birthmark! [sees the bowl of fruit on her head] I did it again, didn't I?
Rango: Did what?
Beans: Let me ask you somethin', did anybody here mentioned what happened to our last sheriff?
[Rango hears a hammer pounding and sees a spider building a coffin; the spider smiles at Rango, causing him to gulp in fear]
Rango: Hey, Beans! What do you think of the new duds? I got a ten-gallon hat marked down for fifteen!
Beans: Erm, that's nice...
Rango: Have you met Angelique?
Angelique: Hello, Beans.
Beans: Hello, Angelique.
Angelique: Tart.
Beans: Floozie.
Angelique: Trollop.
Kid: Excuse me, Mr. Rango.
Rango: [aims his gun at kid's face] I WILL BLOW THAT UGLY RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!
Kid: I was just thinking that... [shows his notepad]
Rango: Oh. [chuckles nervously] You want the old John Hancock, do ya? Here, hold this. [hands his gun to the kid]
Beans: Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.
Kid: [looks into the barrel of Rango's gun] There's a bullet in there!
Mother: Put that down!
Rango: [as he signs the kid's notepad] Oh, I know. I know all about the old shindig this afternoon. I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
Beans: Sheriff, I'd like to file...
Mother: Mr. Rango!
Rango: Oh, you too? No problem. [takes the mother's bible and signs it] Here, let me just...
Beans: I need ya to investigate...
Rango: Y'know, Beans, I betcha clean real nice if ya put a little effort into it.
Beans: What?
Rango: [to the kid] Now, remember, son, stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare. [takes his gun]
Beans: Sheriff!
Kid: Who's Shakespeare?
Beans: SHERIFF RANGO! If that is your real name. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown, while you're playing pattycake with this here trollop-! [freezes in trance]
Angelique: [places a bowl of fruit on Beans' head] Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.
Rango: Why does she do that?
Fergus: It's a survival reflex.
Doc: Her switch is just broken.
Rango: Well, that's an inconvenience.
Beans: [suddenly comes out of her trance] -It is not a rash! It is a birthmark! [sees the bowl of fruit on her head] I did it again, didn't I?
Rango: Did what?
Beans: Let me ask you somethin', did anybody here mentioned what happened to our last sheriff?
[Rango hears a hammer pounding and sees a spider building a coffin; the spider smiles at Rango, causing him to gulp in fear]
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Waffles: Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.
Buford: [eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches] This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
Elgin: That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
Fergus: I remember them; they were quite friendly.
Spoons: I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
Sergeant Turley: You... might wanna get that looked at.
Doc: [chuckles nervously] Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
Beans: Sheriff?
Rango: Uh, no, thank you.
Spoons: So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Doc: Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Waffles: Is it true what they say?
Rango: Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Sergeant Turley: Uh, the other side of what?
Rango: It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Waffles: Ow! My eye!
Rango: Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
Ambrose: Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
Rango: [rattling can be heard] What, where?!
Spoons: [rattles his spoons] Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Rango: Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
Sergeant Turley: Your brother?
Rango: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
Buford: But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Rango: Well, Mama had an active social life.
Fergus: Did he ever bite you?
Rango: Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Doc: Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Rango: Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Waffles: Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Rango: Them's what we call his natural predator.
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
Sergeant Turley: All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
Buford: I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Rango: Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
Spoons: Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
Buford: [eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches] This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
Elgin: That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
Fergus: I remember them; they were quite friendly.
Spoons: I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
Sergeant Turley: You... might wanna get that looked at.
Doc: [chuckles nervously] Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
Beans: Sheriff?
Rango: Uh, no, thank you.
Spoons: So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Doc: Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Waffles: Is it true what they say?
Rango: Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Sergeant Turley: Uh, the other side of what?
Rango: It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Waffles: Ow! My eye!
Rango: Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
Ambrose: Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
Rango: [rattling can be heard] What, where?!
Spoons: [rattles his spoons] Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Rango: Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
Sergeant Turley: Your brother?
Rango: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
Buford: But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Rango: Well, Mama had an active social life.
Fergus: Did he ever bite you?
Rango: Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Doc: Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Rango: Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Waffles: Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Rango: Them's what we call his natural predator.
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
Sergeant Turley: All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
Buford: I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Rango: Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
Spoons: Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
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Rango: [notices Wounded Bird shedding his feathers, then walks over to him] I see you're consulting with the spirits.
Wounded Bird: No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.
Rango: [nervously] Heh. I'll keep that in mind.
Wounded Bird: [picks up a cactus fruit with his staff] Cactus fruit.
Rango: Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]
Wounded Bird: Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
Waffles: What'd he say?
Fergus: They're ridin' sidesaddle!
Buford: What?
Beans: Shh, we're whispering!
Spoons: What'd he say?
Sergeant Turley: Someone's got a bad valve!
Doc: Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?
Wounded Bird: Awkward.
Waffles: Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?
Rango: Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.
Wounded Bird: No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.
Rango: [nervously] Heh. I'll keep that in mind.
Wounded Bird: [picks up a cactus fruit with his staff] Cactus fruit.
Rango: Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]
Wounded Bird: Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
Waffles: What'd he say?
Fergus: They're ridin' sidesaddle!
Buford: What?
Beans: Shh, we're whispering!
Spoons: What'd he say?
Sergeant Turley: Someone's got a bad valve!
Doc: Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?
Wounded Bird: Awkward.
Waffles: Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?
Rango: Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.
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Buford: Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe has something to do with it!
Elgin: I thought we was following bank robbers!
Sergeant Turley: We're experiencing a paradigm shift!
Elgin: I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!
Turley: Well, go ahead and try!!
[the gang get into a fight]
Rango: Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling, your affecting my cogitation! [the fight stops, he gets an idea] Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches. [they all put out their torches]
[a bright light can be seen from the ceiling]
Elgin: Sure enough.
Spoons: Smart thinkin' there, feller.
Waffles: Start climbin'. [the gang begins to climb]
Fergus: Hey, get your foot outta my face!
Rango: Not bad, huh, Beans?
Beans: You keep thinkin' like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.
Rango: Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just... [puts his hat on, then notices it's on fire and tries to put it out] AAH! Hot, hot! Burn! Ah, ooh, ow!
Elgin: I thought we was following bank robbers!
Sergeant Turley: We're experiencing a paradigm shift!
Elgin: I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!
Turley: Well, go ahead and try!!
[the gang get into a fight]
Rango: Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling, your affecting my cogitation! [the fight stops, he gets an idea] Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches. [they all put out their torches]
[a bright light can be seen from the ceiling]
Elgin: Sure enough.
Spoons: Smart thinkin' there, feller.
Waffles: Start climbin'. [the gang begins to climb]
Fergus: Hey, get your foot outta my face!
Rango: Not bad, huh, Beans?
Beans: You keep thinkin' like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.
Rango: Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just... [puts his hat on, then notices it's on fire and tries to put it out] AAH! Hot, hot! Burn! Ah, ooh, ow!
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Jedidiah: He got it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Balthazar: Hallelujah!
Jedidiah: Ya found the water!
Balthazar: You did it, son!
Ezekiel: Well, actually...
Balthazar: [hits Jedidiah with his staff] WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!
Ezekiel: Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.
Balthazar: Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.
Rango: [disguising his voice as a woman wearing Beans' dress, while all the other prepare do to a skit] YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!
Balthazar: What's that?
Ezekiel: [while reading a book] I think they's thespians!
Balthazar: Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
Rango: [still using his disguise voice] The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!
Beans: [wearing the Wounded Bird's blanket and seen with a bored expression on her face] I yearn for love.
Rango: Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)
Elgin: Hark, who goes there?
Balthazar: This plot's highly predictable.
Ezekiel: Quiet! This is my favorite part!
Rango: Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.
Sergeant Turley: [as he says his lines, Rango mouths them, unnoticed by Balthazar and his sons, to make sure Turley gets them right.] Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?
Ezekiel: "REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]
Balthazar: W-w-w-w-what was that?
Jedidiah: Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!
Balthazar: [chuckles] My entire family?
[at that moment, millions of gophers crawl out of the ground, chanting]
Gophers: ♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪
Rango: [silently] It's a full house.
Balthazar: Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.
Rango: I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.
Spoons: Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!
Gopher: What's that? What's that supposed to be?!
Elgin: That's the signal.
Waffles: Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!
[Spoons starts doing flag signals and then runs to a campfire and makes smoke signals]
Balthazar: So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?
Rango: I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!
[the boar runs rampant across the scene]
Beans: GET ON THE WAGON!
[the Dirtonians climb aboard]
Balthazar: Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?
Jedidiah: Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.
Balthazar: Maybelle, give the holler!
Maybelle: Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!
Gophers: Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]
Balthazar: Hallelujah!
Jedidiah: Ya found the water!
Balthazar: You did it, son!
Ezekiel: Well, actually...
Balthazar: [hits Jedidiah with his staff] WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!
Ezekiel: Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.
Balthazar: Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.
Rango: [disguising his voice as a woman wearing Beans' dress, while all the other prepare do to a skit] YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!
Balthazar: What's that?
Ezekiel: [while reading a book] I think they's thespians!
Balthazar: Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
Rango: [still using his disguise voice] The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!
Beans: [wearing the Wounded Bird's blanket and seen with a bored expression on her face] I yearn for love.
Rango: Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)
Elgin: Hark, who goes there?
Balthazar: This plot's highly predictable.
Ezekiel: Quiet! This is my favorite part!
Rango: Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.
Sergeant Turley: [as he says his lines, Rango mouths them, unnoticed by Balthazar and his sons, to make sure Turley gets them right.] Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?
Ezekiel: "REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]
Balthazar: W-w-w-w-what was that?
Jedidiah: Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!
Balthazar: [chuckles] My entire family?
[at that moment, millions of gophers crawl out of the ground, chanting]
Gophers: ♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪
Rango: [silently] It's a full house.
Balthazar: Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.
Rango: I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.
Spoons: Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!
Gopher: What's that? What's that supposed to be?!
Elgin: That's the signal.
Waffles: Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!
[Spoons starts doing flag signals and then runs to a campfire and makes smoke signals]
Balthazar: So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?
Rango: I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!
[the boar runs rampant across the scene]
Beans: GET ON THE WAGON!
[the Dirtonians climb aboard]
Balthazar: Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?
Jedidiah: Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.
Balthazar: Maybelle, give the holler!
Maybelle: Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!
Gophers: Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]
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Waffles: It's impossible.
Beans: It can't be. It's empty.
Gopher: There's no water!
Balthazar: No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Rango: Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Jedidiah: Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
Balthazar: That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
Beans: A what?
Rango: [clears throat] Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Ezekiel: Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Jedidiah: Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Beans: Then where'd you get this here jug?
Ezekiel: [to Balthazar] That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
Balthazar: THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Rango: Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Ezekiel: Uh, huh! That's right!
Elgin: Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
Buford: Let's hang him, sheriff!
Sergeant Turley: String 'em up!
Ambrose: Who would dump water in the desert?
Beans: Wouldn't be the first time.
Waffles: It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
Fergus: What's goin' on, sheriff?
Rango: I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
Beans: It can't be. It's empty.
Gopher: There's no water!
Balthazar: No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Rango: Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Jedidiah: Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
Balthazar: That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
Beans: A what?
Rango: [clears throat] Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Ezekiel: Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Jedidiah: Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Beans: Then where'd you get this here jug?
Ezekiel: [to Balthazar] That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
Balthazar: THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Rango: Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Ezekiel: Uh, huh! That's right!
Elgin: Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
Buford: Let's hang him, sheriff!
Sergeant Turley: String 'em up!
Ambrose: Who would dump water in the desert?
Beans: Wouldn't be the first time.
Waffles: It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
Fergus: What's goin' on, sheriff?
Rango: I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
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Mayor: I appreciate how difficult this is for you, Beans, but you're making a practical decision.
Jake: Decisions, decisions.
Mayor: There's no need for any more suffering. [drinks from his glass of water] Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now. Sign the deed, and relieve yourself of your father's burden.
Beans: [Looks ready to drink from her glass, but then becomes angry] My daddy was not a burden! [throws the water in the Mayor's face] Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!
[the Mayor's face twitches; on cue, Rattlesnake Jake darts forward and traps Beans in his coils]
Jake: Do what he says, or by all the fires of the black pit, I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes outta your skull!
Mayor: Now, hold on, Jake, there's no need to–
Jake: [interrupts the Mayor by bringing his head down to the Mayor's desk] LET ME DO MY JOB! You brought me in, now we're gonna play this thing out to the end! [Turns back to Beans] Sign the damn paper, woman!
Beans: Go to hell…
Jake: Where do you think I come from? Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die. [Brings his fangs closer to Beans, until he hears Rango shouting from outside]
Rango: JAKE! I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT! JAKE!
Jake: [moving to the window and seeing Rango] This day just got a little more interestin'...
Jake: Decisions, decisions.
Mayor: There's no need for any more suffering. [drinks from his glass of water] Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now. Sign the deed, and relieve yourself of your father's burden.
Beans: [Looks ready to drink from her glass, but then becomes angry] My daddy was not a burden! [throws the water in the Mayor's face] Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!
[the Mayor's face twitches; on cue, Rattlesnake Jake darts forward and traps Beans in his coils]
Jake: Do what he says, or by all the fires of the black pit, I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes outta your skull!
Mayor: Now, hold on, Jake, there's no need to–
Jake: [interrupts the Mayor by bringing his head down to the Mayor's desk] LET ME DO MY JOB! You brought me in, now we're gonna play this thing out to the end! [Turns back to Beans] Sign the damn paper, woman!
Beans: Go to hell…
Jake: Where do you think I come from? Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die. [Brings his fangs closer to Beans, until he hears Rango shouting from outside]
Rango: JAKE! I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT! JAKE!
Jake: [moving to the window and seeing Rango] This day just got a little more interestin'...
View Quote
[the Mayor's goons lock Rango and Beans in the flooding bank vault]
Rango: Beans! Hold on! Don't worry! I got a plan! [to the vault door] HEEELLLLLLP! [bangs on the door] OPEN THE DOOR! Okay, Plan B! [Beans mumbles] What?! Beans, you're mumblin'!
[outside the vault door]
Mayor: All my problems taken care of... except for one. [aims Rango's gun at Jake]
Jake: [shocked] What?
Mayor: It's a new West, Jake. There's no room for gunslingers anymore. We're businessmen now.
Stump: We've got new hats! [points to his bowler hat]
[meanwhile, inside the vault]
Rango: [holding his only bullet] Where I come from, we call this... [puts the bullet in his mouth] improvisation. [unties the gag from Beans]
Beans: You came back! [kisses Rango on the lips but then accidentally swallows the bullet and chokes] What was that?!
Rango: No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed Plan B.
Beans: What?! [freezes in trance and sinks into the water]
Rango: Okay, panic time.
[back outside]
Mayor: You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed. [inside the vault, Rango attempts to hiemleck the bullet out of Beans] One last bullet to kill one last outlaw. [Jake angrily glares at him] How fitting. [pulls the trigger but nothing happens] What?
[Rango manages to make Beans spit out the bullet onto the vault door with a enough force to make it crack; everyone outside sees the vault door cracking just as it shatters and floods the room]
Rango: Beans! Hold on! Don't worry! I got a plan! [to the vault door] HEEELLLLLLP! [bangs on the door] OPEN THE DOOR! Okay, Plan B! [Beans mumbles] What?! Beans, you're mumblin'!
[outside the vault door]
Mayor: All my problems taken care of... except for one. [aims Rango's gun at Jake]
Jake: [shocked] What?
Mayor: It's a new West, Jake. There's no room for gunslingers anymore. We're businessmen now.
Stump: We've got new hats! [points to his bowler hat]
[meanwhile, inside the vault]
Rango: [holding his only bullet] Where I come from, we call this... [puts the bullet in his mouth] improvisation. [unties the gag from Beans]
Beans: You came back! [kisses Rango on the lips but then accidentally swallows the bullet and chokes] What was that?!
Rango: No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed Plan B.
Beans: What?! [freezes in trance and sinks into the water]
Rango: Okay, panic time.
[back outside]
Mayor: You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed. [inside the vault, Rango attempts to hiemleck the bullet out of Beans] One last bullet to kill one last outlaw. [Jake angrily glares at him] How fitting. [pulls the trigger but nothing happens] What?
[Rango manages to make Beans spit out the bullet onto the vault door with a enough force to make it crack; everyone outside sees the vault door cracking just as it shatters and floods the room]
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