Mayor Tortoise John quotes from Rango (2011)
Played by Ned Beatty
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Water, Mr. Rango, water. Without it, there's nothing but dust and decay. But with water, there's life. Look at them. So desperate to live, they'll follow it anywhere. That's the immutable law of the desert. You control the water, and you control everything.
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People have to believe in something. And right now, they believe in you. Pick it up, Mr. Rango. Your destiny awaits.
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My fellow Dirtonians, I welcome you to our great day of deliverance. Hallelujah. [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot! [Acolytes walk up the stairs bringing a large wheel] We have a newcomer amongst us today, my friends. A man, I think, needs a little introduction to you; so bold has been his entry into our fair society. Mr. Rango, would you step forward? [Rango walks forth] The time has come, my friends. The time that was foretold. [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] The sacred time. [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] The time of destiny! [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] The time of deliverance! [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] It is the time of HYDRATION!!!
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[Rango: What are you building out here?] The future, Mr. Rango. The future. One day soon all of this is going to fade into myth. The frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger. There's just no place for them anymore. We're civilized now.
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Our new Sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he’s actually starting to believe it. Call in Rattlesnake Jake. [Bad Bill: Uh… Jake’s the Grim Reaper. He never leaves without takin’ a blimin’ soul.] DO IT!
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You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed. One last bullet to kill one last outlaw. [chuckling evilly] How fitting. [clicks the gun but nothing happened... because the bullet's gone] Whuh?
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[last words before his presumed death] No, Jake! NO, NOOO!!!
Scenes with Mayor Tortoise John
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[extended version; After Rango leaves the Mayor's office.]
Mayor: It's almost noon. Is everything ready?
Bad Bill: Yeah, but he might be a problem.
Mayor: He's not a problem, William. He's a solution. [snickers]
Mayor: It's almost noon. Is everything ready?
Bad Bill: Yeah, but he might be a problem.
Mayor: He's not a problem, William. He's a solution. [snickers]
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Mayor: My friends, we all know what we have to do now.
Rango: That's right, we all know what we have to do now… and that would be…?
Mayor: [very quietly] Form a posse.
Rango: Form a possum! [the people stare at him in disbelief]
Mayor: [still very quietly] A posse.
Rango: That's right, we all know what we have to do now… and that would be…?
Mayor: [very quietly] Form a posse.
Rango: Form a possum! [the people stare at him in disbelief]
Mayor: [still very quietly] A posse.
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[Rango is playing golf with the mayor]
Rango: Sumthin' you said keeps rattlin' around in my frontal lobe.
Mayor: And what is that?
Rango: "Control the water, and you control everything."
Mayor: [chuckles] Come now, Mr. Rango. You tribute divine power to me. How on earth could I possibly control the water?
Rango: You've obviously mastered this game.
Mayor: Well, I've been playing it for many years, sir. I was here before the highway split this great valley. I watched the march of progress, and I learned a thing or two. Perhaps it's time you started to take the long view, begin to appreciate the broad sweep of history. Look out there, son. You can almost see time passing.
[Rango looks through a telescope and sees gophers doing construction]
Rango: What are you building out here?
Mayor: The future, Mr. Rango. The future. One day soon, all this will fade into myth. The frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger. There's no place for them anymore. We're civilized now.
Bad Bill: That's right, civilized.
Mayor: That's what the future holds. You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.
Rango: Is that what happened to Mr. Merrimack? Did he get left behind?
Mayor: Careful, Mr. Rango. You seem to forget you're just one little lizard.
Rango: You seem to forget I'm the law around these parts. [walks away]
Mayor: Our new Sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he’s actually starting to believe it. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.
Bad Bill: Uh… Jake’s the Grim Reaper. He never leaves without takin’ a blimin’ soul.
Mayor: DO IT!
Rango: Sumthin' you said keeps rattlin' around in my frontal lobe.
Mayor: And what is that?
Rango: "Control the water, and you control everything."
Mayor: [chuckles] Come now, Mr. Rango. You tribute divine power to me. How on earth could I possibly control the water?
Rango: You've obviously mastered this game.
Mayor: Well, I've been playing it for many years, sir. I was here before the highway split this great valley. I watched the march of progress, and I learned a thing or two. Perhaps it's time you started to take the long view, begin to appreciate the broad sweep of history. Look out there, son. You can almost see time passing.
[Rango looks through a telescope and sees gophers doing construction]
Rango: What are you building out here?
Mayor: The future, Mr. Rango. The future. One day soon, all this will fade into myth. The frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger. There's no place for them anymore. We're civilized now.
Bad Bill: That's right, civilized.
Mayor: That's what the future holds. You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.
Rango: Is that what happened to Mr. Merrimack? Did he get left behind?
Mayor: Careful, Mr. Rango. You seem to forget you're just one little lizard.
Rango: You seem to forget I'm the law around these parts. [walks away]
Mayor: Our new Sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he’s actually starting to believe it. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.
Bad Bill: Uh… Jake’s the Grim Reaper. He never leaves without takin’ a blimin’ soul.
Mayor: DO IT!
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Mayor: I appreciate how difficult this is for you, Beans, but you're making a practical decision.
Jake: Decisions, decisions.
Mayor: There's no need for any more suffering. [drinks from his glass of water] Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now. Sign the deed, and relieve yourself of your father's burden.
Beans: [Looks ready to drink from her glass, but then becomes angry] My daddy was not a burden! [throws the water in the Mayor's face] Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!
[the Mayor's face twitches; on cue, Rattlesnake Jake darts forward and traps Beans in his coils]
Jake: Do what he says, or by all the fires of the black pit, I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes outta your skull!
Mayor: Now, hold on, Jake, there's no need to–
Jake: [interrupts the Mayor by bringing his head down to the Mayor's desk] LET ME DO MY JOB! You brought me in, now we're gonna play this thing out to the end! [Turns back to Beans] Sign the damn paper, woman!
Beans: Go to hell…
Jake: Where do you think I come from? Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die. [Brings his fangs closer to Beans, until he hears Rango shouting from outside]
Rango: JAKE! I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT! JAKE!
Jake: [moving to the window and seeing Rango] This day just got a little more interestin'...
Jake: Decisions, decisions.
Mayor: There's no need for any more suffering. [drinks from his glass of water] Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now. Sign the deed, and relieve yourself of your father's burden.
Beans: [Looks ready to drink from her glass, but then becomes angry] My daddy was not a burden! [throws the water in the Mayor's face] Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!
[the Mayor's face twitches; on cue, Rattlesnake Jake darts forward and traps Beans in his coils]
Jake: Do what he says, or by all the fires of the black pit, I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes outta your skull!
Mayor: Now, hold on, Jake, there's no need to–
Jake: [interrupts the Mayor by bringing his head down to the Mayor's desk] LET ME DO MY JOB! You brought me in, now we're gonna play this thing out to the end! [Turns back to Beans] Sign the damn paper, woman!
Beans: Go to hell…
Jake: Where do you think I come from? Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die. [Brings his fangs closer to Beans, until he hears Rango shouting from outside]
Rango: JAKE! I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT! JAKE!
Jake: [moving to the window and seeing Rango] This day just got a little more interestin'...
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Jake: [After the water bursts into Dirt] I'm gonna blow so many holes in you, your guts'll be leakin' lead!
Rango: Then it's a good thing I bought some backup.
[a hawk flies overhead. Jake sees it and hides, then notices something amiss.]
Jake: What? [sees that the "hawk" was really a flock of bats flying in formation] Ain't no hawk! Ain't nothing but bats! [goes out in the open and shoots at them]
Maybelle: Stick to the plan, boys! Let's bleed the devil dry!
[the flock spreads out. Jake shoots and laughs madly until he runs out of ammo. He turns to see Rango aiming his gun at him]
Rango: It only takes one bullet.
Jake: You ain't got the nerve...
Rango: [**** the gun] Try me.
[Jake looks in his eyes and is stunned, realizing Rango is dead serious]
Mayor: Oh, Mr. Rango. Aren't you forgetting something?
[they take Beans into the Bank of Dirt]
Mayor: Hand me your gun, Sheriff! [He pauses as he looks at his gun] Now, Mr. Rango!
[Rango slowly walks to Mayor]
Rango: Then it's a good thing I bought some backup.
[a hawk flies overhead. Jake sees it and hides, then notices something amiss.]
Jake: What? [sees that the "hawk" was really a flock of bats flying in formation] Ain't no hawk! Ain't nothing but bats! [goes out in the open and shoots at them]
Maybelle: Stick to the plan, boys! Let's bleed the devil dry!
[the flock spreads out. Jake shoots and laughs madly until he runs out of ammo. He turns to see Rango aiming his gun at him]
Rango: It only takes one bullet.
Jake: You ain't got the nerve...
Rango: [**** the gun] Try me.
[Jake looks in his eyes and is stunned, realizing Rango is dead serious]
Mayor: Oh, Mr. Rango. Aren't you forgetting something?
[they take Beans into the Bank of Dirt]
Mayor: Hand me your gun, Sheriff! [He pauses as he looks at his gun] Now, Mr. Rango!
[Rango slowly walks to Mayor]
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[the Mayor's goons lock Rango and Beans in the flooding bank vault]
Rango: Beans! Hold on! Don't worry! I got a plan! [to the vault door] HEEELLLLLLP! [bangs on the door] OPEN THE DOOR! Okay, Plan B! [Beans mumbles] What?! Beans, you're mumblin'!
[outside the vault door]
Mayor: All my problems taken care of... except for one. [aims Rango's gun at Jake]
Jake: [shocked] What?
Mayor: It's a new West, Jake. There's no room for gunslingers anymore. We're businessmen now.
Stump: We've got new hats! [points to his bowler hat]
[meanwhile, inside the vault]
Rango: [holding his only bullet] Where I come from, we call this... [puts the bullet in his mouth] improvisation. [unties the gag from Beans]
Beans: You came back! [kisses Rango on the lips but then accidentally swallows the bullet and chokes] What was that?!
Rango: No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed Plan B.
Beans: What?! [freezes in trance and sinks into the water]
Rango: Okay, panic time.
[back outside]
Mayor: You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed. [inside the vault, Rango attempts to hiemleck the bullet out of Beans] One last bullet to kill one last outlaw. [Jake angrily glares at him] How fitting. [pulls the trigger but nothing happens] What?
[Rango manages to make Beans spit out the bullet onto the vault door with a enough force to make it crack; everyone outside sees the vault door cracking just as it shatters and floods the room]
Rango: Beans! Hold on! Don't worry! I got a plan! [to the vault door] HEEELLLLLLP! [bangs on the door] OPEN THE DOOR! Okay, Plan B! [Beans mumbles] What?! Beans, you're mumblin'!
[outside the vault door]
Mayor: All my problems taken care of... except for one. [aims Rango's gun at Jake]
Jake: [shocked] What?
Mayor: It's a new West, Jake. There's no room for gunslingers anymore. We're businessmen now.
Stump: We've got new hats! [points to his bowler hat]
[meanwhile, inside the vault]
Rango: [holding his only bullet] Where I come from, we call this... [puts the bullet in his mouth] improvisation. [unties the gag from Beans]
Beans: You came back! [kisses Rango on the lips but then accidentally swallows the bullet and chokes] What was that?!
Rango: No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed Plan B.
Beans: What?! [freezes in trance and sinks into the water]
Rango: Okay, panic time.
[back outside]
Mayor: You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed. [inside the vault, Rango attempts to hiemleck the bullet out of Beans] One last bullet to kill one last outlaw. [Jake angrily glares at him] How fitting. [pulls the trigger but nothing happens] What?
[Rango manages to make Beans spit out the bullet onto the vault door with a enough force to make it crack; everyone outside sees the vault door cracking just as it shatters and floods the room]
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Mayor: [After Rango and Beans are freed from the bank vault by a single bullet] Now, Sheriff. I'm sure if we work together, we can reach a mutually beneficial solution to our current situation…
Rango: You better take it up with him.
Jake: One bullet. [Turns to Rango and tips his hat at him] I tip my hat to you. One legend to another. [Rango tips his hat as well. Mayor whimpers helplessly as Jake turns to him.] What was that you said? "Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed..." [lunges]
Mayor: No, Jake! No! NOOO!!!
[Jake grabs the screaming Mayor in his coils and drags him away into the desert]
Rango: You better take it up with him.
Jake: One bullet. [Turns to Rango and tips his hat at him] I tip my hat to you. One legend to another. [Rango tips his hat as well. Mayor whimpers helplessly as Jake turns to him.] What was that you said? "Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed..." [lunges]
Mayor: No, Jake! No! NOOO!!!
[Jake grabs the screaming Mayor in his coils and drags him away into the desert]