[After Lex caused a cop to get pushed in front of a train]
Sick! Sick. You're really sick!
Sick, Miss Teschmacher? When I'm mere days away from executing the Crime of the Century? How do you choose to congratulate the greatest criminal mind on our time? Do you tell me that I'm brilliant? A bit obvious, that, I grant you. Charismatic, then? Fiendishly gifted?
Miss Teschmacher, you don't know the half of it. [both laugh as Miss Teschmacher begins to search through a cabinet] Get away from there! Hey! I said get away from there!!
[closes the drawer]
Tell me something Lex, why do so many people have to die for the Crime of the Century?
Why? You ask why? Why does the phone always ring when you're in the bathtub? Why is the most brilliantly diabolical leader of our time surrounding himself with total nincompoops?
Otis [enters the room]
I'm back, Mr. Luthor.
Ah yes, Otis, I was just talking about you. You were followed again, weren't you? [Otis spins around, knocking over a lamp] In spite of those catlike reflexes.
Otis Mr. Luthor? Mr. Luthor, I'm sorry.
Otis, is that the newspaper I asked you to get me?
Otis [looks at the newspaper]
Yeah.
Otis [thinks for a second]
'Cause I haven't given it to you yet?
[smiles]
Right. [snatches the newspaper from Otis' hand and reads it] At last it's official! [shows the front page of the newspaper, the headline reading "TWIN NUCLEAR TESTS CONFIRMED".] Thanks to the generous help of the United States government, we are about to be involved in the greatest real estate swindle of all time!
Lex, what is this obsession with real estate? All the time-land, land, land.
Miss Teschmacher, when I was six years old, my father said to me...
[laughs]
Nope. Before that...He said, "Son...Stocks may rise and fall, utilities and transportation systems may collapse, people are no damn good, but they will always need land, and they will pay through the nose to get it. Remember", my father said...
Otis Land.
Right. It's a pity he didn't live long enough to see how, from such humble beginnings, I've created this empire.
Miss Teschmacher, how many other girls do you know who are lucky enough to have a Park Avenue address like this one?
Park Avenue address? 200 feet below?
Do you realize what they're all paying per square foot up there for a few miserable rooms off a common elevator? [in unison with Otis] What more could anyone ask?
How about...sunshine. A night on the town instead of under it.
[Lex Luthor is swimming in his pool, listening to the TV news about Superman]
Miss Teschmacher! Turn it off.
[lying under sunlamps, turns off the TV]
Lex, what's the story on this guy? Do you think it's the genuine article?
If he is, he's not from this world.
Because, if any human being were going to perpetrate such a fantastic hoax, it would have been me! Otis! My robe!
Otis Right away, Mr. Luthor!
It all fits somehow, his coming here to Metropolis. And at this particular time. There's a kind of cruel justice about it. I mean, to commit the crime of the century, a man naturally wants to face the challenge of the century. [lost in his thoughts, and stops at the top step of the pool where his feet are still submerged]
Otis Listen, Mr. Luthor, maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know? [enters the pool and starts helping Lex on with the robe, but the bottom of it then proceeds to get soaked]
[as Otis helps him putting on his robe]
Passing through? Not on your life. Which I would gladly sacrifice, by the way, for the opportunity of destroying everything that he represents. And, Otis, by the way, next time put my robe on AFTER I've left the pool.
[Lex stands on his library sliding ladder searching for a book]
N...N...N...
Otis 'M'! You want 'M', Mr. Luthor? Comin' right up! [moves the sliding ladder Lex is standing on, leaving Lex hanging from a shelf] So, there you go, 'M'.
'M' as in Moron, Otis? No, no, no, it's 'N'! 'N' as in Neanderthal, Nincompoop, Nitwit! And 'L' as in Ladder!
[Lex Luthor has torn a page from a magazine from his library] [reading the article]
A meteorite found in Addis Ababa. I know I'm gonna get rapped in the mouth for this, but so what?
So what. You mean, to us, they're just meteorites. Fair enough. But the level of specific radioactivity is so high, to anyone from the planet Krypton, this substance is lethal.
Otis Wait a minute, Mr. Luthor. You mean, fire and bullets can't hurt this guy, but this stuff here ...
[in unison]
...will kill him!
Doesn't it give you, like, a shudder of electricity to be in the same room with me?
Not like the shudder you're gonna get when you try to lay that rock on him. He can see you coming for miles with those super-peepers of his.
"Oh, Lord. You gave them eyes, yet they cannot see". Nor can Superman, through lead.
[understanding]
He can't see through lead!
And Kryptonite will destroy him. Any questions, class?
[thinking to herself]
I wonder what they're wearing in Addis Ababa?
Otis [looking at the picture in the article]
Looks like a burnoose. [gasps] Are we going to Addis Ababa, Mr. Luthor?
[Lex, in a resigned look, shakes his head, puts his hand to his forehead and closes his eyes]
[Superman breaks down Lex Luthor's door]
It's open, come in. My attorney will be in touch with you about the damage to the door. Otis, take the gentleman's cape.
Otis [approaches Superman, who glares at him]
I don't think he wants me to, Mr. Luthor.
All right, Luthor. Where's the gas pellet?
Somewhere...hidden in the back of my mind, actually. It's a little idea I was toying with.
Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks? By planning the death of innocent people?
No. By causing the death of innocent people.
[pointing to a map of California and the San Andreas Fault]
Everything west of this line is the richest, most expensive real estate in the world: San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco. Everything on this side of the line is just hundreds and hundreds of miles of worthless desert land, which just so happens to be owned by... [whaps Otis with his pointer]
Otis Uhhh...Lex Luthor, Incorporated.
Now, call me foolish, call me irresponsible, it occurs to me that a 500 megaton bomb planted at just the proper point would, uh...
Would destroy most of California. Millions of innocent people would be killed. And the West Coast as we know it would-
Fall into the sea. Bye-bye, California. Hello, new West Coast. My West Coast. [Otis overlays map with new map]
Costa Del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg...Otisburg?
Otis Miss Teschmacher, she's got her own place. ["Teschmacher Peaks"]
Otis It's a little bitty place.
Otis Okay, I'll just wipe it off, that's all. It's just a little town. [erases Otisburg]
[Last lines] [Superman has just arrived at the jailhouse with Luthor and his bumbling sidekick Otis. Both men are bossing him around as he lowers them and himself to the ground]
Good evening, Warden. I think these two men should be safe here with you now till they can get a fair trial.
W Warden
Who is it, Superman?
[removes his wig to reveal his bald head]
Lex Luthor, the greatest criminal mind of our time!
Otis Of our time!
Otis He's serving notice to you-
Otis That these walls here-
[to Otis]
Would you shut up, please! Ya fat, li'l fool!
Alright, take 'em away, boys!
W Warden
[Luthor and Otis continue their verbal bickering as the guards escort them into the prison]
This country is safe again, Superman, thanks to you.
No, sir. Don't thank me, Warden. We're all part of the same team. Good night.
