Jedidiah
[Rango notices a hole popping out the road, Ezekiel and Jedidiah pop out]
This ain't the bank!
Ezekiel
I told you, Jedidiah!
Rango
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!
Ezekiel
It's the sheriff!
Rango
Get your hands up where I can see 'em! [Ezekiel and Jedidiah do so] Just as I suspected. [puts his gun away] Prospecting without the authorized equipment. Don't move a muscle. [walks away]
Jedidiah
Prospecting? [Ezekiel shrugs]
Rango
[comes back with equipment]
Now, got your shovel, pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah, assorted snacks, some puzzle books, and you're gonna need a permit.
Balthazar
[shouts out from the hole]
EZEKIEL! JEDIDIAH! WHAT THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON UP THERE?! [comes out of the hole while whacking Ezekiel and Jedidiah on the head] I'VE HAD POLYPS REMOVED SMARTER THAN THE TWO OF YOU! [sniffs the air] Hell's fire! This ain't the bank!
Ezekiel
Hey, Pappy. The sheriff's standing right here, helping us out.
Jedidiah
Gonna give us a permit for "prospecting".
Rango
Yep, just doing my duty. The lonely constable on his rounds, keeping an eagle eye out for mayhem and malfeasance.
Balthazar
Does he look like what he sounds?
Jedidiah
Uh, huh.
Balthazar
Well, sheriff, if we was to hit the motherlode, being prospectors and such, where exactly do we deposit said annuity?
Rango
Well, here in the town of Dirt, we happen to have the finest financial institution in this side of Missouri. [points to the Bank of Dirt] Protected morning, noon and night by yours truly. [gives Balthazar the permit]
Balthazar
Much obliged.
Jedidiah
He got it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Balthazar
Hallelujah!
Jedidiah
Ya found the water!
Balthazar
You did it, son!
Ezekiel
Well, actually...
Balthazar
[hits Jedidiah with his staff]
WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!
Ezekiel
Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.
Balthazar
Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.
Rango
[disguising his voice as a woman wearing Beans' dress, while all the other prepare do to a skit]
YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!
Balthazar
What's that?
Ezekiel
[while reading a book]
I think they's thespians!
Balthazar
Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
Rango
[still using his disguise voice]
The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!
Beans
[wearing the Wounded Bird's blanket and seen with a bored expression on her face]
I yearn for love.
Rango
Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)
Elgin
Hark, who goes there?
Balthazar
This plot's highly predictable.
Ezekiel
Quiet! This is my favorite part!
Rango
Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.
Sergeant Turley
[as he says his lines, Rango mouths them, unnoticed by Balthazar and his sons, to make sure Turley gets them right.]
Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?
Ezekiel
"REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]
Balthazar
W-w-w-w-what was that?
Jedidiah
Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!
Balthazar
[chuckles]
My entire family?
G Gophers
[at that moment, millions of gophers crawl out of the ground, chanting]
♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪
Rango
[silently]
It's a full house.
Balthazar
Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.
Rango
I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.
S Spoons
Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!
G Gopher
What's that? What's that supposed to be?!
Elgin
That's the signal.
Waffles
Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!
Balthazar
[Spoons starts doing flag signals and then runs to a campfire and makes smoke signals]
So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?
Rango
I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!
Beans
[the boar runs rampant across the scene]
GET ON THE WAGON!
Balthazar
[the Dirtonians climb aboard]
Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?
Jedidiah
Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.
Balthazar
Maybelle, give the holler!
M Maybelle
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!
G Gophers
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]
Waffles
It's impossible.
Beans
It can't be. It's empty.
G Gopher
There's no water!
Balthazar
No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Rango
Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Jedidiah
Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
Balthazar
That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
Beans
A what?
Rango
[clears throat]
Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Ezekiel
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Jedidiah
Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Beans
Then where'd you get this here jug?
Ezekiel
[to Balthazar]
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
Balthazar
THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Rango
Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Ezekiel
Uh, huh! That's right!
Elgin
Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
Buford
Let's hang him, sheriff!
Sergeant Turley
String 'em up!
A Ambrose
Who would dump water in the desert?
Beans
Wouldn't be the first time.
Waffles
It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
F Fergus
What's goin' on, sheriff?
Rango
I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
