S Spoons
Hey there, fruit-cup. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya? Who exactly are you?
Rango
[Rango notices his reflection distorted in the bar's dirty mirror, and the words "Hecho en Durango" stamped on a bottle of cactus juice he is holding.] [internal monologue]
Who am I? I could be anyone.'’ [his thumb covers the words, only showing "Rango".]
S Spoons
What's the matter, you missing your mama's mangoes?
Rango
[emboldened]
As a matter of fact, I am. [slams bottle down, and whirls on Spoons] But not as much as your DADDY'S COOKING!
S Spoons
[Bar patrons gasp.] [thrown-off by Rango's statement]
Exactly where did you say you were from?
Rango
Me...? I-I'm from the West! Out there, beyond the horizon, past the sunset. The Far West. [begins strutting around the bar.] Yeah, that's right, hombres. The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite. [snags a patron's toothpick with his tongue.] Then we salt 'im, then we pepper 'im, then we braise 'im in clarified butter... [takes a gopher's Stetson] And then... we eat him.
G Gopher
Ya eat 'im?
Rango: THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I've seen things that'll make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions! You spend 3 days in a horse carcass living off your own juices - it'll change a man. Oh yeah. [accidentally sends a shuffled deck of cards flying] Got a few extra aces in this deck, gents - just the way I like it. So no, my hairsome little rodent friend, I am not from around these parts. You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewin' and Hell waitin' to be raised. You could say I'm what Hell's already raised up. Name's... RANGO.
E Elbows
Hey, are you that guy who killed them Jenkins brothers?
Rango
Uh-huh, killed them with 1 bullet. Don't get no deader.
Elgin
All 7 of them...?
Rango
[nervously]
That's right, all 7 of them.
Waffles
Exactly, how did you do that, Mr. Rango?
Rango
You know, I'm glad you asked me that. And I'll be happy to tell you how, but you're all gonna have to listen up! Because this is where it gets... complicated.
Bad Bill
[he and his gang fire their guns at a citizen]
DANCE FOR ME, SOD BUSTER!!
K Kinski
DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN!!
C Chorizo
THAT'S RIGHT, DANCE!!
Bad Bill
YOU GOT CORN IN YOUR EARS, MATE?! YOU DON'T PAY THE MORTGAGE, YOU DON'T OWN THE LAND!
K Kinski
That's basic real estate law, my friend!
Bad Bill
[points a dagger at Sod Buster]
If I see your face in this town again, I'm gonna slice it off and use it to wipe my unmentionables.
Bad Bill
[kicks Sod Buster out of the saloon]
AND DON'T COME BACK! [turns to see everyone looking] What are you all gawping at?
Waffles
[Everyone backs up nervously, Bad Bill sniffs walks to the bar.]
Hey, Bad Bill, there's something I want to tell--!
Bad Bill
[Bad Bill muffles Waffles' mouth and stops at the bar, where he sees Rango next to him.]
Oy. What is this?
S Spoons
You know who that is, Bill? That there's Rango.
Waffles
Yeah, he ain't afraid of you. He ain't afraid of none of you.
L Lenny
Killed them Jenkins brothers.
M Melonee
Done it with one bullet, Bill.
H Hitch
All seven of them.
Bad Bill
Is that right?
[Bad Bill takes a cigar from Buford's mouth and takes a drag, blowing smoke in Buford's face. Rango coughs as a result, and Bad Bill then shoves a cigar in front of Rango's face. Acting quickly, Rango snatches the cigar from Bad Bill's mouth, examines it for a moment, and then swallows it. Everyone gasps in surprise. Rango taps his finger on the bar counter, prompting Buford to pour him a shot, which he drinks in one gulp. Then, he unexpectedly belches fire directly into Bad Bill's face, leaving everyone in shock. Bad Bill exclaims in anger and glares at Rango, his face still smouldering. He grabs a towel to try to put out the flames.]
Rango
Um... let me get that... yeah... Oh, I know. Here. [splashes some cactus juice on his face to put out much of the fire, sees one tiny remaining flame] Oh, here, let me get that for you. [wipes the tiny flame out with the towel] There, all better.
[Bad Bill gets the gun out and pushes it to him on the counter. Rango looks at Bad Bill with his idea.]
Waffles
Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.
Buford
[eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches]
This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
Elgin
That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
F Fergus
I remember them; they were quite friendly.
S Spoons
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
Sergeant Turley
You... might wanna get that looked at.
Doc
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
Beans
Sheriff?
Rango
Uh, no, thank you.
S Spoons
So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Doc
Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Waffles
Is it true what they say?
Rango
Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Sergeant Turley
Uh, the other side of what?
Rango
It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Waffles
Ow! My eye!
Rango
Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
A Ambrose
Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
Rango
[rattling can be heard]
What, where?!
S Spoons
[rattles his spoons]
Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Rango
Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
Sergeant Turley
Your brother?
Rango
THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
Buford
But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Rango
Well, Mama had an active social life.
F Fergus
Did he ever bite you?
Rango
Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Doc
Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Rango
Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Waffles
Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Rango
Them's what we call his natural predator.
Sergeant Turley
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
Buford
I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Rango
Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
S Spoons
Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
Rango
[notices Wounded Bird shedding his feathers, then walks over to him]
I see you're consulting with the spirits.
WB Wounded Bird
No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.
Rango
[nervously]
Heh. I'll keep that in mind.
WB Wounded Bird
[picks up a cactus fruit with his staff]
Cactus fruit.
Rango
Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]
WB Wounded Bird
Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
Waffles
What'd he say?
F Fergus
They're ridin' sidesaddle!
Buford
What?
Beans
Shh, we're whispering!
Sergeant Turley
Someone's got a bad valve!
Doc
Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?
Waffles
Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?
Rango
Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.
Buford
Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe has something to do with it!
Elgin
I thought we was following bank robbers!
Sergeant Turley
We're experiencing a paradigm shift!
Elgin
I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!
Turley
Well, go ahead and try!!
Rango
[the gang get into a fight]
Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling, your affecting my cogitation! [the fight stops, he gets an idea] Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches. [they all put out their torches]
Elgin
[a bright light can be seen from the ceiling]
Sure enough.
S Spoons
Smart thinkin' there, feller.
Waffles
Start climbin'. [the gang begins to climb]
F Fergus
Hey, get your foot outta my face!
Rango
Not bad, huh, Beans?
Beans
You keep thinkin' like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.
Rango
Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just... [puts his hat on, then notices it's on fire and tries to put it out] AAH! Hot, hot! Burn! Ah, ooh, ow!
Jedidiah
He got it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Balthazar
Hallelujah!
Jedidiah
Ya found the water!
Balthazar
You did it, son!
Ezekiel
Well, actually...
Balthazar
[hits Jedidiah with his staff]
WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!
Ezekiel
Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.
Balthazar
Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.
Rango
[disguising his voice as a woman wearing Beans' dress, while all the other prepare do to a skit]
YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!
Balthazar
What's that?
Ezekiel
[while reading a book]
I think they's thespians!
Balthazar
Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
Rango
[still using his disguise voice]
The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!
Beans
[wearing the Wounded Bird's blanket and seen with a bored expression on her face]
I yearn for love.
Rango
Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)
Elgin
Hark, who goes there?
Balthazar
This plot's highly predictable.
Ezekiel
Quiet! This is my favorite part!
Rango
Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.
Sergeant Turley
[as he says his lines, Rango mouths them, unnoticed by Balthazar and his sons, to make sure Turley gets them right.]
Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?
Ezekiel
"REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]
Balthazar
W-w-w-w-what was that?
Jedidiah
Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!
Balthazar
[chuckles]
My entire family?
G Gophers
[at that moment, millions of gophers crawl out of the ground, chanting]
♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪
Rango
[silently]
It's a full house.
Balthazar
Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.
Rango
I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.
S Spoons
Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!
G Gopher
What's that? What's that supposed to be?!
Elgin
That's the signal.
Waffles
Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!
Balthazar
[Spoons starts doing flag signals and then runs to a campfire and makes smoke signals]
So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?
Rango
I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!
Beans
[the boar runs rampant across the scene]
GET ON THE WAGON!
Balthazar
[the Dirtonians climb aboard]
Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?
Jedidiah
Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.
Balthazar
Maybelle, give the holler!
M Maybelle
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!
G Gophers
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]
