S Spoons
Hey there, fruit-cup. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya? Who exactly are you?
Rango
[Rango notices his reflection distorted in the bar's dirty mirror, and the words "Hecho en Durango" stamped on a bottle of cactus juice he is holding.] [internal monologue]
Who am I? I could be anyone.'’ [his thumb covers the words, only showing "Rango".]
S Spoons
What's the matter, you missing your mama's mangoes?
Rango
[emboldened]
As a matter of fact, I am. [slams bottle down, and whirls on Spoons] But not as much as your DADDY'S COOKING!
S Spoons
[Bar patrons gasp.] [thrown-off by Rango's statement]
Exactly where did you say you were from?
Rango
Me...? I-I'm from the West! Out there, beyond the horizon, past the sunset. The Far West. [begins strutting around the bar.] Yeah, that's right, hombres. The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite. [snags a patron's toothpick with his tongue.] Then we salt 'im, then we pepper 'im, then we braise 'im in clarified butter... [takes a gopher's Stetson] And then... we eat him.
G Gopher
Ya eat 'im?
Rango: THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I've seen things that'll make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions! You spend 3 days in a horse carcass living off your own juices - it'll change a man. Oh yeah. [accidentally sends a shuffled deck of cards flying] Got a few extra aces in this deck, gents - just the way I like it. So no, my hairsome little rodent friend, I am not from around these parts. You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewin' and Hell waitin' to be raised. You could say I'm what Hell's already raised up. Name's... RANGO.
E Elbows
Hey, are you that guy who killed them Jenkins brothers?
Rango
Uh-huh, killed them with 1 bullet. Don't get no deader.
Elgin
All 7 of them...?
Rango
[nervously]
That's right, all 7 of them.
Waffles
Exactly, how did you do that, Mr. Rango?
Rango
You know, I'm glad you asked me that. And I'll be happy to tell you how, but you're all gonna have to listen up! Because this is where it gets... complicated.
Jedidiah
He got it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Balthazar
Hallelujah!
Jedidiah
Ya found the water!
Balthazar
You did it, son!
Ezekiel
Well, actually...
Balthazar
[hits Jedidiah with his staff]
WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!
Ezekiel
Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.
Balthazar
Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.
Rango
[disguising his voice as a woman wearing Beans' dress, while all the other prepare do to a skit]
YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!
Balthazar
What's that?
Ezekiel
[while reading a book]
I think they's thespians!
Balthazar
Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
Rango
[still using his disguise voice]
The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!
Beans
[wearing the Wounded Bird's blanket and seen with a bored expression on her face]
I yearn for love.
Rango
Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)
Elgin
Hark, who goes there?
Balthazar
This plot's highly predictable.
Ezekiel
Quiet! This is my favorite part!
Rango
Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.
Sergeant Turley
[as he says his lines, Rango mouths them, unnoticed by Balthazar and his sons, to make sure Turley gets them right.]
Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?
Ezekiel
"REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]
Balthazar
W-w-w-w-what was that?
Jedidiah
Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!
Balthazar
[chuckles]
My entire family?
G Gophers
[at that moment, millions of gophers crawl out of the ground, chanting]
♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪
Rango
[silently]
It's a full house.
Balthazar
Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.
Rango
I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.
S Spoons
Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!
G Gopher
What's that? What's that supposed to be?!
Elgin
That's the signal.
Waffles
Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!
Balthazar
[Spoons starts doing flag signals and then runs to a campfire and makes smoke signals]
So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?
Rango
I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!
Beans
[the boar runs rampant across the scene]
GET ON THE WAGON!
Balthazar
[the Dirtonians climb aboard]
Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?
Jedidiah
Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.
Balthazar
Maybelle, give the holler!
M Maybelle
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!
G Gophers
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]
Waffles
It's impossible.
Beans
It can't be. It's empty.
G Gopher
There's no water!
Balthazar
No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Rango
Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Jedidiah
Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
Balthazar
That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
Beans
A what?
Rango
[clears throat]
Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Ezekiel
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Jedidiah
Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Beans
Then where'd you get this here jug?
Ezekiel
[to Balthazar]
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
Balthazar
THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Rango
Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Ezekiel
Uh, huh! That's right!
Elgin
Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
Buford
Let's hang him, sheriff!
Sergeant Turley
String 'em up!
A Ambrose
Who would dump water in the desert?
Beans
Wouldn't be the first time.
Waffles
It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
F Fergus
What's goin' on, sheriff?
Rango
I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
