Hey there, fruit-cup. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya? Who exactly are you?
[Rango notices his reflection distorted in the bar's dirty mirror, and the words "Hecho en Durango" stamped on a bottle of cactus juice he is holding.] [internal monologue]
Who am I? I could be anyone.'’ [his thumb covers the words, only showing "Rango".]
What's the matter, you missing your mama's mangoes?
[emboldened]
As a matter of fact, I am. [slams bottle down, and whirls on Spoons] But not as much as your DADDY'S COOKING!
[Bar patrons gasp.] [thrown-off by Rango's statement]
Exactly where did you say you were from?
Me...? I-I'm from the West! Out there, beyond the horizon, past the sunset. The Far West. [begins strutting around the bar.] Yeah, that's right, hombres. The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite. [snags a patron's toothpick with his tongue.] Then we salt 'im, then we pepper 'im, then we braise 'im in clarified butter... [takes a gopher's Stetson] And then... we eat him.
Ya eat 'im?
Rango: THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I've seen things that'll make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions! You spend 3 days in a horse carcass living off your own juices - it'll change a man. Oh yeah. [accidentally sends a shuffled deck of cards flying] Got a few extra aces in this deck, gents - just the way I like it. So no, my hairsome little rodent friend, I am not from around these parts. You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewin' and Hell waitin' to be raised. You could say I'm what Hell's already raised up. Name's... RANGO.
E Elbows
Hey, are you that guy who killed them Jenkins brothers?
Uh-huh, killed them with 1 bullet. Don't get no deader.
[nervously]
That's right, all 7 of them.
Waffles Exactly, how did you do that, Mr. Rango?
You know, I'm glad you asked me that. And I'll be happy to tell you how, but you're all gonna have to listen up! Because this is where it gets... complicated.
[he and his gang fire their guns at a citizen]
DANCE FOR ME, SOD BUSTER!!
K Kinski
DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN!!
C Chorizo
THAT'S RIGHT, DANCE!!
YOU GOT CORN IN YOUR EARS, MATE?! YOU DON'T PAY THE MORTGAGE, YOU DON'T OWN THE LAND!
K Kinski
That's basic real estate law, my friend!
[points a dagger at Sod Buster]
If I see your face in this town again, I'm gonna slice it off and use it to wipe my unmentionables.
[kicks Sod Buster out of the saloon]
AND DON'T COME BACK! [turns to see everyone looking] What are you all gawping at?
Waffles [Everyone backs up nervously, Bad Bill sniffs walks to the bar.]
Hey, Bad Bill, there's something I want to tell--!
[Bad Bill muffles Waffles' mouth and stops at the bar, where he sees Rango next to him.]
Oy. What is this?
You know who that is, Bill? That there's Rango.
Waffles Yeah, he ain't afraid of you. He ain't afraid of none of you.
L Lenny
Killed them Jenkins brothers.
M Melonee
Done it with one bullet, Bill.
H Hitch
All seven of them.
Is that right?
[Bad Bill takes a cigar from Buford's mouth and takes a drag, blowing smoke in Buford's face. Rango coughs as a result, and Bad Bill then shoves a cigar in front of Rango's face. Acting quickly, Rango snatches the cigar from Bad Bill's mouth, examines it for a moment, and then swallows it. Everyone gasps in surprise. Rango taps his finger on the bar counter, prompting Buford to pour him a shot, which he drinks in one gulp. Then, he unexpectedly belches fire directly into Bad Bill's face, leaving everyone in shock. Bad Bill exclaims in anger and glares at Rango, his face still smouldering. He grabs a towel to try to put out the flames.]
Um... let me get that... yeah... Oh, I know. Here. [splashes some cactus juice on his face to put out much of the fire, sees one tiny remaining flame] Oh, here, let me get that for you. [wipes the tiny flame out with the towel] There, all better.
[Bad Bill gets the gun out and pushes it to him on the counter. Rango looks at Bad Bill with his idea.]
Waffles Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.
[eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches]
This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
I remember them; they were quite friendly.
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
You... might wanna get that looked at.
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Waffles Is it true what they say?
Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Uh, the other side of what?
It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Waffles Ow! My eye!
Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
A Ambrose
Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
[rattling can be heard]
What, where?!
[rattles his spoons]
Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Well, Mama had an active social life.
Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Waffles Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Them's what we call his natural predator.
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
[notices Wounded Bird shedding his feathers, then walks over to him]
I see you're consulting with the spirits.
WB Wounded Bird
No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.
[nervously]
Heh. I'll keep that in mind.
WB Wounded Bird
[picks up a cactus fruit with his staff]
Cactus fruit.
Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]
WB Wounded Bird
Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
Waffles What'd he say?
They're ridin' sidesaddle!
Someone's got a bad valve!
Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?
Waffles Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?
Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.
Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe has something to do with it!
I thought we was following bank robbers!
We're experiencing a paradigm shift!
I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!
[the gang get into a fight]
Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling, your affecting my cogitation! [the fight stops, he gets an idea] Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches. [they all put out their torches]
[a bright light can be seen from the ceiling]
Sure enough.
Smart thinkin' there, feller.
Waffles Start climbin'. [the gang begins to climb]
Hey, get your foot outta my face!
You keep thinkin' like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.
Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just... [puts his hat on, then notices it's on fire and tries to put it out] AAH! Hot, hot! Burn! Ah, ooh, ow!
He got it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[hits Jedidiah with his staff]
WHY CAN'T YOU BE ALL BRAINY LIKE YOUR BROTHER?!
Pappy, about that water, there's something I gotta tell you.
Hush! Hush up, now. Somebody's comin'.
[disguising his voice as a woman wearing Beans' dress, while all the other prepare do to a skit]
YOO-HOO! HA HA! Good sirs! Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madame Lupone's Terpsichorean Group of Traveling Thespians!
[while reading a book]
I think they's thespians!
Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
[still using his disguise voice]
The stage is set! The princess prepares to take her own life!
[wearing the Wounded Bird's blanket and seen with a bored expression on her face]
I yearn for love.
Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate! (extended version only: [Elgin does nothing] Stands watch at the castle gate.)
This plot's highly predictable.
Quiet! This is my favorite part!
Arriving to great fanfare, 'twas her aging father… [the band of Elf Owls, also disguised in Medieval costumes, fanfare and Sergeant Turley enters kneeling with a wooden sword. Awkward silence. Then Rango remembers about the arrow in Turley's eye.] ...Strucketh by Cupid.
[as he says his lines, Rango mouths them, unnoticed by Balthazar and his sons, to make sure Turley gets them right.]
Uh, prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the... Uh, uh... Line?
"REACH FOR THE SKY!" [everyone suddenly pulls out loaded guns on the small family]
Oh, must be very immersive theater.
Rango: We got ya surrounded! You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see 'em!
[chuckles]
My entire family?
G Gophers
[at that moment, millions of gophers crawl out of the ground, chanting]
♪ Grit and spit and collared greens ♪
♪ Waffle chitons, monkey brains ♪
♪ Refried bones and booger blood ♪
♪ Pickled eggs and flaps of mud ♪
[silently]
It's a full house.
Looks like we're gonna have a good, old-fashioned standoff.
I'll have you know, you're not lookin' at our entire contingent.
Caw-caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw!
What's that? What's that supposed to be?!
Waffles Yeah, that's the signal! Something must've gone wrong!
[Spoons starts doing flag signals and then runs to a campfire and makes smoke signals]
So, uh... somethin' supposed to happen?
I am... open to suggestions. [Spoons fakes a heart attack and fires a gun, frightening the boar that was carrying the stolen water and causing it to run off] RUUUUUUUUUUN!
[the boar runs rampant across the scene]
GET ON THE WAGON!
[the Dirtonians climb aboard]
Should we have ourselves some sport, chillens?
Ooh, I-I likes it when they run.
Maybelle, give the holler!
M Maybelle
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw-biddy-haw!
G Gophers
Yee-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-haw, biddy-haw-biddy-hoo! [they burrow underground]
Waffles It's impossible.
No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
[clears throat]
Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Then where'd you get this here jug?
[to Balthazar]
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
A Ambrose
Who would dump water in the desert?
Wouldn't be the first time.
Waffles It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
What's goin' on, sheriff?
I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
