Excuse me, Sheriff Rango. I wanna talk to you...
Hey, Beans! What do you think of the new duds? I got a ten-gallon hat marked down for fifteen!
A Angelique
Hello, Beans.
K Kid
Excuse me, Mr. Rango.
[aims his gun at kid's face]
I WILL BLOW THAT UGLY RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!
K Kid
I was just thinking that... [shows his notepad]
Oh. [chuckles nervously] You want the old John Hancock, do ya? Here, hold this. [hands his gun to the kid]
Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.
K Kid
[looks into the barrel of Rango's gun]
There's a bullet in there!
[as he signs the kid's notepad]
Oh, I know. I know all about the old shindig this afternoon. I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
Sheriff, I'd like to file...
Oh, you too? No problem. [takes the mother's bible and signs it] Here, let me just...
I need ya to investigate...
Y'know, Beans, I betcha clean real nice if ya put a little effort into it.
[to the kid]
Now, remember, son, stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare. [takes his gun]
SHERIFF RANGO! If that is your real name. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown, while you're playing pattycake with this here trollop-! [freezes in trance]
A Angelique
[places a bowl of fruit on Beans' head]
Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.
F Fergus
It's a survival reflex.
Her switch is just broken.
Well, that's an inconvenience.
[suddenly comes out of her trance]
-It is not a rash! It is a birthmark! [sees the bowl of fruit on her head] I did it again, didn't I?
Let me ask you somethin', did anybody here mentioned what happened to our last sheriff?
[Rango hears a hammer pounding and sees a spider building a coffin; the spider smiles at Rango, causing him to gulp in fear]
Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.
[eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches]
This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
F Fergus
I remember them; they were quite friendly.
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
You... might wanna get that looked at.
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Is it true what they say?
Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Uh, the other side of what?
It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
A Ambrose
Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
[rattling can be heard]
What, where?!
[rattles his spoons]
Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Well, Mama had an active social life.
F Fergus
Did he ever bite you?
Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Them's what we call his natural predator.
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
[notices Wounded Bird shedding his feathers, then walks over to him]
I see you're consulting with the spirits.
WB Wounded Bird
No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.
[nervously]
Heh. I'll keep that in mind.
WB Wounded Bird
[picks up a cactus fruit with his staff]
Cactus fruit.
Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]
WB Wounded Bird
Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
F Fergus
They're ridin' sidesaddle!
Someone's got a bad valve!
Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?
Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?
Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.
Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe has something to do with it!
I thought we was following bank robbers!
We're experiencing a paradigm shift!
I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!
[the gang get into a fight]
Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling, your affecting my cogitation! [the fight stops, he gets an idea] Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches. [they all put out their torches]
[a bright light can be seen from the ceiling]
Sure enough.
Smart thinkin' there, feller.
Start climbin'. [the gang begins to climb]
F Fergus
Hey, get your foot outta my face!
You keep thinkin' like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire.
Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just... [puts his hat on, then notices it's on fire and tries to put it out] AAH! Hot, hot! Burn! Ah, ooh, ow!
No water?! Then what the hell we been fightin' for?
Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.
That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?
[clears throat]
Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We done tunnelled into that vault, and there weren't nothing in it.
Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.
Then where'd you get this here jug?
[to Balthazar]
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.
THEN WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]
Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
Eh, I don't believe a word of him.
A Ambrose
Who would dump water in the desert?
Wouldn't be the first time.
It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
F Fergus
What's goin' on, sheriff?
I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose its private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.
