Mr. Potato Head
Remember all that bad stuff I said about Andy's attic? I take it all back.
Slinky
Ya darn-tootin'.
Hamm
You said it!
Slinky
Hamm
Woody
[walks to his gang]
Look, everyone, it's nice here, I admit. But we need to go home.
Jessie
We can have a whole new life here, Woody. A chance to make kids happy again.
Slinky
Why don't you stay?
Rex
Yeah, Woody. Stay with us.
Hamm
Come on, Woodster!
Mr. Potato Head
You'll get played with.
Woody
I can't. No.
Mrs. Potato Head
Stay here.
Jessie
You can make a new kid happy.
Woody
No, no, guys, really. No! I have a kid. You have a kid. Andy! And if he wants us at college, or in the attic, well, then, our job is to be there for him. Now, I'm going home. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. Come on, Buzz. [short pause] Buzz?
Buzz
[walks over to Woody]
Our mission with Andy is complete, Woody.
Woody
[shocked]
What?
Buzz
And what's important now is we stay together.
Woody
[shows Andy's name on his boot]
We wouldn't even be together if it weren't for Andy! Look under your boot, Buzz. You, too, Jessie. Whose name is written there?
Rex
Maybe Andy doesn't care about us anymore.
Woody
Of course he does. He cares about all of you! He was putting you in the attic. I saw. You can't just turn your back on him now!
Jessie
[walks over to Woody, losing it]
Woody, wake up! It's over! Andy is all grown up!
Woody
[annoyed]
Okay, fine. Perfect! I can't believe how selfish you all are. [Jessie shows an angry look] So this is it? After all we've been through.
Woody
[Buzz walks to Woody and wants to shake his hand but Woody starts to storm off. Bullseye follows him behind]
Bullseye, no. You need to stay. [keeps on following him] Bullseye, no! I said stay! [Bullseye starts to whimpers] Look, I don't want you left alone in the attic, okay? Now, stay. [starts to walk away]
Mrs. Anderson
[off-screen]
Bonnie? Bonnie?
Woody
Uh, I gotta go.
Mrs. Anderson
[Woody runs to the door, they find their places quickly] [enters the door]
Bonnie, you in here?
[Woody heads through the door]
Ken
[In the playground at night with trucks and Twitch with the search light as Chatter said beforehand. Ken, Buzz, are doing roll call]
Springy dog.
Slinky
Present.
Ken
Green guys.
Ken
[The Squeaky Alien Trio squeak in reply]
Cowgirl.
Jessie
Here.
Ken
Horse.
Ken
[Bullseye whinnies]
Piggy bank.
Hamm
Yo.
Ken
Tyrannosaurus.
Rex
Here.
Ken
[Woody watches from the rafters above]
Barbie.
Barbie
Here.
Ken
Potato Head.
Ken
[No answer]
Potato Head.
Buzz
[Still no answer. Buzz looks at what seems to be Mr. Potato Head fast asleep in his cubby]
Hey, hey! Tuberous root-man! Wake up!
Buzz
[The object rolls forward revealing to be an actual potato] [gasps]
Impossible!
Buzz
[He looks to see Mr. Potato Head fiddling with the lock on the window]
Hey!
Ken
[Mr. Potato Head gasps. Mr. Potato Head runs with Buzz, Ken, Big Baby, in hot pursuit. Woody uses a plastic straw to lift the clothes line with paintings on it up. Mr. Potato Head pounds on the door but it's no good. In the office, the Monkey watches with confusion at the scene]
A little late for a stroll, eh, Potato Head?
Mr. Potato Head
That's Mr. Potato Head to you, smoothie.
Ken
[The Monkey is so busy watching the confrontation that he doesn't notice Slinky, sneak out of their cubbies. He creeps over and Woody uses a bag of marbles to make himself heavier and low him down to the ground, holding onto the line. He grabs Slinky, and lifts them up to the rafters unnoticed]
Well, well, well. You're turning out to be quite the troublemaker, aren't you? What did you think you were gonna do? Waltz right out of here?
Mr. Potato Head
Yeah, and I would've got away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling toys! You ascot-wearing pink-noser! You're not a toy! You're an accessory! You're a purse with legs.
Ken
[kicks Ken]
Ow! Take him back to the box!
Mr. Potato Head
[as Big Baby grabs him and carries him off]
No! No, not the box! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it! I like ascots. Really. No, no, no!
Woody
Okay, check.
Ken
Good work, Lightyear. All right, resume your, uh, space-guy-thingy.
Buzz
[salutes]
Yes, sir, well-groomed man!
Barbie
Ken! Ken? [sobs]
Rango
[gives a torch to Spoons]
Now, I'm dependin' on you, Spoons. [Spoons spits on his beard] Ooh, you got a little tobacky in the beard there. [Spoons jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Doc] Always good to have a medical man along, Doc. [Doc jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Buford] Reptiles gotta stick together, right, my brother?
Buford
I'm an amphibian.
Rango
Ain't no shame in that. [Buford jumps into the hole, Rango is about to give a torch to Sergeant Turley, but then sees the arrow through his right eye] Oh! Ya sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?
Sergeant Turley
What?
Rango
Well, you got something in your eye there.
Sergeant Turley
Oh, that! That there's conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.
Rango
Oh, well, (I meant your other one, but) I'm glad to hear it's not contagious. [gives the torch to Sergeant Turley, who jumps into the hole; Rango is about to give a torch to Beans, but then stops] Now, just wait a cotton-pickin' minute! A posse ain't no place for a– [Beans swipes the torch away and then jumps into the hole] Never mind. [looks at Priscilla] Whoa, hold on, little sister. Someone's gonna hafta look after the town while I'm gone. [Priscilla takes out 2 guns]
Priscilla
Can I gut-shoot someone?
Rango
[nervously]
Uh, let's put a pin in that.
Priscilla
Sheriff, you're gonna bring that water back, aren't you?
Rango
Count on it, little sister.
Rango
[notices Wounded Bird shedding his feathers, then walks over to him]
I see you're consulting with the spirits.
Wounded Bird
No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.
Rango
[nervously]
Heh. I'll keep that in mind.
Wounded Bird
[picks up a cactus fruit with his staff]
Cactus fruit.
Rango
Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]
Wounded Bird
Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
Waffles
What'd he say?
Fergus
They're ridin' sidesaddle!
Buford
What?
Beans
Shh, we're whispering!
Spoons
What'd he say?
Sergeant Turley
Someone's got a bad valve!
Doc
Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?
Wounded Bird
Awkward.
Waffles
Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?
Rango
Now... we ride. [turns to the 4 owls] That means we're riding now! This moment.
Waffles
Marshmallows remind of going campin' with my daddy. I could eat 'em all night long! [Waffles' marshmallow gets caught on fire] Of course, he didn't make me cough 'em back up again for breakfast.
Buford
[eats Waffles' marshmallow and belches]
This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
Elgin
That ain't nothin'. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started looking at me weird.
Fergus
I remember them; they were quite friendly.
Spoons
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once. [everyone looks at Spoons in concern]
Sergeant Turley
You... might wanna get that looked at.
Doc
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, pass the beans, Beans.
Beans
Sheriff?
Rango
Uh, no, thank you.
Spoons
So, Mr. Rango. Could you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
Doc
Oh, yeah. Tell us about that.
Waffles
Is it true what they say?
Rango
Oh, yeah. The Spirit of the West! The eternally unattainable ideal! [draws pictures in the sky with a lit stick] They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him! But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest, and have made it... to the other side. [everyone looks at Rango in astonishment]
Sergeant Turley
Uh, the other side of what?
Rango
It's a metaphor. [leans on the stick which then flings onto Waffles]
Waffles
Ow! My eye!
Rango
Uh, that's gonna heal right up.
Ambrose
Sheriff, what are you going to do about... [whispers] Rattlesnake Jake?
Rango
[rattling can be heard]
What, where?!
Spoons
[rattles his spoons]
Sorry 'bout that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Rango
Oh, yeah. Jake. You mean my brother.
Sergeant Turley
Your brother?
Rango
THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
Buford
But he's a snake, and you're a lizard.
Rango
Well, Mama had an active social life.
Fergus
Did he ever bite you?
Rango
Sure enough did! [shows everyone his belly button] Look at that baby! Go ahead, you can touch it!
Doc
Well, that's interestin'. [pokes his finger into Rango's belly button] That there's a belly button.
Rango
Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. I put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Waffles
Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Rango
Them's what we call his natural predator.
Sergeant Turley
[a lonely coyote can be heard howling]
All this talk of that serpentine devil's puttin' my quills on edge!
Buford
I ain't sleepin' tonight. No, sir!
Rango
Don't you all worry 'bout a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome.
Spoons
Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West. [everyone hold each other's hands] Ain't always spoken rightly to ya, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It's a hard life we got. Sometimes, I dunno how we're gonna make it. But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man, and you sent us one. It's nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen. [everyone else says "Amen"]
Doug
Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.
Henry
That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.
Doug
I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?
Henry
Um, I guess.
Marlin
Doug!
Lucy
[to Henry]
I hardly know you.
Marlin
Actually sweetie, you're kind of dating him.
Henry
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Yeah. Sorry I'm not better looking.
Henry
[to Lucy]
It's gonna be ok, Luce.
Lucy
[to Henry]
Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.
Marlin
Sweetie, you're sorta dating him.
Henry
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Yeah. Sorry I'm not better lookin’.