Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.
Most-quoted character in Me, Myself & Irene (2000): in 51 of its 74 quotes
Most scenes with: Irene P. Waters (13)
Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
More lines from Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans
19 quotes Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Wanna start me up? Open the choke and pull the cord down. I'm due for Seismic event and you're dancing the fault line.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Had enough? Up yours.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Arrivederci, deadwood.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans [Driving while singing along to The Dwarve’s Mother****er song on the radio with Irene paranoidly recoiled as far as possible from him in her seat holding a lawn dart as a potential weapon]
I'm a Mother****er! I'm a Mother****er! I'm a [repeatedly] Mo... [glances over at Irene looking paranoid] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Turns off radio] What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans [When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground]
Well **** my ozone.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans [After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop]
There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the windshield]
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans [To Irene]
Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Ever been bitch slapped?
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans [After Dicky falls on Hank]
Warden. I want my own cell.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans [Being chased by FBI agents]
Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans [To Irene]
Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls...
Scenes with Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans
31 scenes Charlie Baileygates Do you people take checks?
Limo Driver
Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?
Charlie Baileygates No, no, no, no, God, no! Your company.
Limo Driver
Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!
Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything remotely racist!
Limo Driver: Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?
Charlie Baileygates: No!
Limo Driver: You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity! [Limo Driver starts whipping Charlie with nunchucks]
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir!
Limo Driver: Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap!
Hank Evans [In the roadside eatery, a kid with glasses is facing backwards in his chair, slurping his drink and annoyingly staring at Charlie/Hank, and then Charlie transforms into Hank]
What are you staring at, ****er? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father: [The father stands and approaches] Hey, what is your problem, pal?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.
Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this mother****in' deuteron!
Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.
What? What?
What's a deuteron made up of?
Duh, a proton and a neutron.
Then what's this mother****in' electron doing right there?
Shit, I don't know!
Well, get it outta there then!
Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?
Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his mother**** grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a ****!
Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, mother****ers gonna think he's stupid!
I ain't stupid.
Aw, shit, man.
Charlie Baileygates Mornin', fellas.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
Charlie Baileygates What's all the commotion down here?
Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?
Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.
Charlie Baileygates Ooh, that'd be whack.
Man, he so ****in' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a mother****in' toothpaste!
Hank Evans Hey, ringworm. [Softball Player looks around] Yeah, I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
Softball Player
Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Hank Evans Oh yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, okay? [Referring to body disposal paraphenalia] I saw your so-called "supplies."
Hank Evans Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
I was talking about the shovel and the lime.
Mrs. Bittman
[Charlie grabs a newspaper and prepares to checkout then a housewife then proceeds to cut in front of him]
Excuse me. Charlie. Hey. Mind if I get ahead of you? I'm in a wicked rush. Is that okay?
Charlie Baileygates
Oh. Yeah sure. Go ahead.
Mrs. Bittman
Thanks. You're a doll. Hey kids! Over here, now! [Her two kids then show up with 2 full grocery carts and Charlie then snaps in an existential crisis and then morphs into "Hank"]
Hank Evans: [To woman cutting in front of him at grocery store checkout aisle with her kids bringing a full grocery load after initially claiming she's in a hurry] Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman
Excuse me?
Hank Evans
No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. [Grabs cashier microphone and broadcasts to whole store] Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Hank Evans Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side. [Shrugs] I was horny.
Hank Evans Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Look, I don't know what that means, okay?
Hank Evans It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.
Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?
Hank Evans So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Oh, all over.
Hank Evans Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.
Charlie Baileygates Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
What's it called?
Charlie Baileygates Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Guy on Street
Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.
Hank Evans Well I guess he likes the **** after all.
Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?
Hank Evans No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.
Charlie Baileygates [Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver]
But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Limo Driver
She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free "Willy."
Charlie Baileygates Will you stay with me, no matter what?
Layla Of course, Charlie.
Charlie Baileygates Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?
Layla Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.
Hank Evans Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Hank!
Hank Evans What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.
Charlie Baileygates Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?
Whitey Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.
Charlie Baileygates Uh, okay.
Colonel Partington Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?
Charlie Baileygates Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu!
Charlie Baileygates [Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together]
So, Whitey, what happened to your family?
Whitey I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. **** up law, huh?
Does your ass feel numb?
Charlie Baileygates [Referring to his pills]
No, but they give me unbelievable cotton-mouth.
I meant from the ride.
Charlie Baileygates Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Charlie Baileygates I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!
For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!
Charlie Baileygates Irene?
Hmm?
Charlie Baileygates Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?
Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.
You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.
Charlie Baileygates Hey, it happens.
Hank Evans [After Dickie gets knocked out]
Oh, your golf buddy?
Yeah.
Hank Evans Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.
Knock it off, Hank!
Hank Evans Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.
Stop it.
Hank Evans C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.
Get away from me!
Hank Evans Whoa!
He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.
Hank Evans Charlie?
Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.
Hank Evans [Frustrated]
What the hell is that suppo- Could we just speak English for a second here?
Chris Rock
Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
Charlie Baileygates He's a funny mother****er!
Hank Evans I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.
I don't have and eating disorder.
Hank Evans Whatever you say, slim.
Charlie Baileygates [Sees little girl jump roping in the middle of the town main street]
Sweetie. Sweetie. That's kind of dangerous. Wanna move it upon the sidewalk away from the traffic?
Little Girl
My dad says you're a joke and I don't have to listen to you.
Charlie Baileygates Well, your father is entitled to his opinion but I am the officer of the law and by all rights I could...
Little Girl
[Screams]
**** off!
Charlie Baileygates You should watch your mouth, little girl! [Little Girl screams]
Hank [Charlie is dunking an anti-authoritarian little girl in a park fountain and brings her up] [Brings her up]
Still wanna skip-rope in the street?
Little Girl
I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!
Hank Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, ****face. [Dunks her again]
Charlie
Alright, Hank, truce?
Hank
For now, ****er.
Charlie
Hank, we're shot.
Hank
Come on, you pussy. It's just a flesh wound.
Charlie
[Seeing Lieutenant Gerke in the road]
Oh, shit!
Hank
Don't worry about him. [Runs over Lieutenant Gerke]
Charlie
Hank, what have you done?! Oh my God!
Hank
Don't you just love it?
Hank
What the hell are you still doing here?
Charlie
You can't just throw me away, Hank. We're in this together.
Other characters in Me, Myself & Irene
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Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator)
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