Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr. quotes from Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Shonte Jr.

Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this mother****in' deuteron!

Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.

Shonte Jr.

What? What?

What's a deuteron made up of?

Shonte Jr.

Duh, a proton and a neutron.

Then what's this mother****in' electron doing right there?

Shonte Jr.

Shit, I don't know!

Well, get it outta there then!

Shonte Jr.

Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?

Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his mother**** grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a ****!

Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.

Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, mother****ers gonna think he's stupid!

Shonte Jr.

I ain't stupid.

Aw, shit, man.

Charlie Baileygates

Mornin', fellas.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?

Charlie Baileygates

What's all the commotion down here?

Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?

Shonte Jr.

Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.

Charlie Baileygates

Ooh, that'd be whack.

Man, he so ****in' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.

Give it up, dog.

Shonte Jr.

Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a mother****in' toothpaste!

Is your old lady happy?

Lieutenant Gerke

Is my old lady happy?

Yeah, because if your ****in' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy.

Shit, yeah, man, look, you keep ****in' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with those goddamn sling-blade mother****ers.

Shit, mother****er, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SATs.

Mother****er, you know I had the flu.

The flu, my ass! You had a mother****in' aneurysm to get a 1430!

Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?

4.08 centimeters.

No, no, what's that in inches?

1.61, man, what the **** you gettin' at, man?

I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.

Shonte Jr.

Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass, man, look at him, he a tightass.

No, it can be done.

Yo. I'll take that bet. [They bump fists]

Shonte Jr.

Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?

Mother****er, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation.

Yeah, man, get your head out your ass.

Shonte Jr.

It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole.

Mother****er, you speak German don't you?

Shonte Jr.

Mother****er, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.

You a mother****in' disgrace! [Reads aloud in German from the instruction book; subtitled]

Secure the aft doors and adjust the mother**** rotor pedals!

Shonte Jr.

Jawohl!

Now, disengage the goddamn inverter switch!

Shonte Jr.

Jawohl!

Well, get this mother****er off the ground!

Mother****er! That mother****in' Vince Foster was murdered! I told you that shit!

Look, my man, will you quit hacking into them goddamn Pentagon files, man? Ain't no never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to just do your goddamn studyin'!

These two mother****ers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking.

Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob.

Shonte Jr.

Damn, do you think daddy's getting too much stress?

I think he's getting too much shredded wheat by the motha****in' look of it!