2nd most-quoted character in Me, Myself & Irene (2000): in 14 of its 74 quotes
Most scenes with: Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans (13)
Irene P. Waters Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, okay? [Referring to body disposal paraphenalia] I saw your so-called "supplies."
Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
Irene P. Waters I was talking about the shovel and the lime.
Irene P. Waters I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side. [Shrugs] I was horny.
Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Irene P. Waters Look, I don't know what that means, okay?
It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.
Irene P. Waters Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?
So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Irene P. Waters Oh, all over.
Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.
Irene P. Waters What are those for?
Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
Irene P. Waters What's it called?
Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Irene P. Waters Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?
No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.
Irene P. Waters So I smoked some pot, what, is that a crime?
Agent Steve Parfitt, FBI: [Hesitates] ... Uh-huh.
Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters Hank!
What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.
Irene P. Waters Does your ass feel numb?
Irene P. Waters I meant from the ride.
Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!
Irene P. Waters For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!
Irene?
Irene P. Waters Hmm?
Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?
Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.
Irene P. Waters You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.
Hey, it happens.
Irene P. Waters Yeah.
Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.
Irene P. Waters Knock it off, Hank!
Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.
Irene P. Waters Stop it.
C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.
Irene P. Waters Get away from me!
Whoa!
Irene P. Waters He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.
Charlie?
Irene P. Waters Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.
I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.
Irene P. Waters I don't have and eating disorder.
Whatever you say, slim.
