It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby. Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans
Jim Carrey · 51 quotes
Irene P. Waters
Renée Zellweger · 14 quotes
Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr.
9 quotes
Jamaal
Anthony Anderson · 7 quotes
Shonte Jr.
Tony Cox · 6 quotes
Narrator
Rex Allen Jr. · 3 quotes
Lieutenant Gerke
Chris Cooper · 2 quotes
Officer Stubie
Mike Cerrone · 2 quotes
Agent Boshane
Richard Jenkins · 1 quote
Mr. Murphy the disabled guy
Ezra Buzzington · 1 quote
Plane towed banner
1 quote
Most scenes together: Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans & Irene P. Waters (13), Jamaal & Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr. (6), Shonte Jr. & Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr. (4)
Me, Myself & Irene quotes
Page 1 of 5Do you people take checks?
Limo Driver
Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?
No, no, no, no, God, no! Your company.
Limo Driver
Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!
Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything remotely racist!
Limo Driver: Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?
Charlie Baileygates: No!
Limo Driver: You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity! [Limo Driver starts whipping Charlie with nunchucks]
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir!
Limo Driver: Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap!
I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!
For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!
Irene?
Hmm?
Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?
Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.
Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?
Whitey Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.
Uh, okay.
Will you stay with me, no matter what?
Layla Of course, Charlie.
Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?
Layla Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.
[Sees little girl jump roping in the middle of the town main street]
Sweetie. Sweetie. That's kind of dangerous. Wanna move it upon the sidewalk away from the traffic?
Little Girl
My dad says you're a joke and I don't have to listen to you.
Well, your father is entitled to his opinion but I am the officer of the law and by all rights I could...
Little Girl
[Screams]
**** off!
You should watch your mouth, little girl! [Little Girl screams]
Charlie
Alright, Hank, truce?
Hank
For now, ****er.
Charlie
Hank, we're shot.
Hank
Come on, you pussy. It's just a flesh wound.
Charlie
[Seeing Lieutenant Gerke in the road]
Oh, shit!
Hank
Don't worry about him. [Runs over Lieutenant Gerke]
Charlie
Hank, what have you done?! Oh my God!
Hank
Don't you just love it?
Chris Rock
Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
He's a funny mother****er!
Colonel Partington Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?
Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu!
Guy on Street
Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.
Well I guess he likes the **** after all.
Hey, ringworm. [Softball Player looks around] Yeah, I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
Softball Player
Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Oh yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Hank!
What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.