I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.
I don't have and eating disorder.
Whatever you say, slim.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans
Jim Carrey · 51 quotes
Irene P. Waters
Renée Zellweger · 14 quotes
Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr.
9 quotes
Jamaal
Anthony Anderson · 7 quotes
Shonte Jr.
Tony Cox · 6 quotes
Narrator
Rex Allen Jr. · 3 quotes
Lieutenant Gerke
Chris Cooper · 2 quotes
Officer Stubie
Mike Cerrone · 2 quotes
Agent Boshane
Richard Jenkins · 1 quote
Mr. Murphy the disabled guy
Ezra Buzzington · 1 quote
Plane towed banner
1 quote
Most scenes together: Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans & Irene P. Waters (13), Jamaal & Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr. (6), Shonte Jr. & Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr. (4)
Me, Myself & Irene quotes
Page 2 of 5Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Look, I don't know what that means, okay?
It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.
Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?
So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Oh, all over.
Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.
Yeah.
Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.
Knock it off, Hank!
Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.
Stop it.
C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.
Get away from me!
Whoa!
He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.
Charlie?
Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.
[In the roadside eatery, a kid with glasses is facing backwards in his chair, slurping his drink and annoyingly staring at Charlie/Hank, and then Charlie transforms into Hank]
What are you staring at, ****er? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father: [The father stands and approaches] Hey, what is your problem, pal?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.
Hank
What the hell are you still doing here?
Charlie
You can't just throw me away, Hank. We're in this together.
Does your ass feel numb?
I meant from the ride.
Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?
No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.
I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side. [Shrugs] I was horny.
So I smoked some pot, what, is that a crime?
Agent Steve Parfitt, FBI: [Hesitates] ... Uh-huh.
Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, okay? [Referring to body disposal paraphenalia] I saw your so-called "supplies."
Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
I was talking about the shovel and the lime.
You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.
Hey, it happens.
Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?
4.08 centimeters.
No, no, what's that in inches?
1.61, man, what the **** you gettin' at, man?
I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.
Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass, man, look at him, he a tightass.
No, it can be done.
Yo. I'll take that bet. [They bump fists]
Mother****er! That mother****in' Vince Foster was murdered! I told you that shit!
Look, my man, will you quit hacking into them goddamn Pentagon files, man? Ain't no never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to just do your goddamn studyin'!
These two mother****ers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking.
Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob.