Is your old lady happy?
Is my old lady happy?
Yeah, because if your ****in' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy.
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans
Jim Carrey · 51 quotes
Irene P. Waters
Renée Zellweger · 14 quotes
Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr.
9 quotes
Jamaal
Anthony Anderson · 7 quotes
Shonte Jr.
Tony Cox · 6 quotes
Narrator
Rex Allen Jr. · 3 quotes
Lieutenant Gerke
Chris Cooper · 2 quotes
Officer Stubie
Mike Cerrone · 2 quotes
Agent Boshane
Richard Jenkins · 1 quote
Mr. Murphy the disabled guy
Ezra Buzzington · 1 quote
Plane towed banner
1 quote
Most scenes together: Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans & Irene P. Waters (13), Jamaal & Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr. (6), Shonte Jr. & Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr. (4)
Me, Myself & Irene quotes
Page 3 of 5Shit, yeah, man, look, you keep ****in' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with those goddamn sling-blade mother****ers.
Shit, mother****er, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SATs.
Mother****er, you know I had the flu.
The flu, my ass! You had a mother****in' aneurysm to get a 1430!
Mrs. Bittman
[Charlie grabs a newspaper and prepares to checkout then a housewife then proceeds to cut in front of him]
Excuse me. Charlie. Hey. Mind if I get ahead of you? I'm in a wicked rush. Is that okay?
Charlie Baileygates
Oh. Yeah sure. Go ahead.
Mrs. Bittman
Thanks. You're a doll. Hey kids! Over here, now! [Her two kids then show up with 2 full grocery carts and Charlie then snaps in an existential crisis and then morphs into "Hank"]
Hank Evans: [To woman cutting in front of him at grocery store checkout aisle with her kids bringing a full grocery load after initially claiming she's in a hurry] Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman
Excuse me?
Hank Evans
No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. [Grabs cashier microphone and broadcasts to whole store] Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this mother****in' deuteron!
Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.
What? What?
What's a deuteron made up of?
Duh, a proton and a neutron.
Then what's this mother****in' electron doing right there?
Shit, I don't know!
Well, get it outta there then!
Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?
Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his mother**** grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a ****!
Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, mother****ers gonna think he's stupid!
I ain't stupid.
Aw, shit, man.
Mornin', fellas.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
What's all the commotion down here?
Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?
Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.
Ooh, that'd be whack.
Man, he so ****in' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a mother****in' toothpaste!
[After Hank Evans has a bowel movement on the neighbor's lawn]
Damn, do you think daddy's getting too much stress?
I think he's getting too much shredded wheat by the motha****in' look of it!
Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit.
Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.
Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better.
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.
Hank Evans: Do you swallow?
[After escaping Lieutenant Gerke]
Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!
Hank Evans: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.
[Charlie is dunking an anti-authoritarian little girl in a park fountain and brings her up] [Brings her up]
Still wanna skip-rope in the street?
Little Girl
I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!
Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, ****face. [Dunks her again]
Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
What's it called?
Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Mother****er, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation.
Yeah, man, get your head out your ass.
It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole.
Mother****er, you speak German don't you?
Mother****er, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.
[Grabs instruction book]
You a mother****in' disgrace! [Reads aloud in German from the instruction book; subtitled]
Secure the aft doors and adjust the mother**** rotor pedals!
Jawohl!
Jawohl!
[Inside the airplane trailing the banner "Will You Marry Me, Bitch?"]
Whitey: It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.
Jamaal: I'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be raining my mother**** cookies if this mother****er don't stop this turbulence shit!
[Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver]
But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Limo Driver
She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free "Willy."
[Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together]
So, Whitey, what happened to your family?
Whitey I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. **** up law, huh?
Arrivederci, deadwood.
Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.