Most-quoted character in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994): in 36 of its 36 quotes
Most scenes with: Lois Einhorn (6), Melissa Robinson (3), Dan Marino (3)
I'm ready to go in, Coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind. [stands up] I'm going to execute a button-hook pattern, Super Slow-Mo. [Runs forward and collides with Dr. Handy in slow-motion] Lets see the instant replay! [repeats running in reverse]
Ace Ventura Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm GOING to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER!
Ace Ventura Ajuss can't do it Captain! I DON'T... HAVE... the POWER!
Ace Ventura For God's sake's, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a POOL-MAN!
Ace Ventura This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [as Tangina Barrons ] I have exorcised the demons. This house is clear. [to Einhorn and the news crew, who denied his theories earlier] Losers? LOSERS! Leh-hoo. Zeh-hers!
Ace Ventura Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard sir?
Ace Ventura If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.
Ace Ventura Do NOT go in there! WOOOO!
Ace Ventura I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor.
Ace Ventura Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good; you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin, while the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
Ace Ventura Warning: Assholes are closer than they appear.
Ace Ventura Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is a man! Oh, my god! Einhorn is a man?! [after discovering Einhorn's true identity and remembering being kissed by "her"]
Ace Ventura Ho, ho, fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. (in a Clarence Darrow-like manner) For instance, if you were to look up "Professional Football's All-Time Bonehead Plays", you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen. [takes deep breath, then goes rapidfire] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, seducing his way to the top in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the ENTIRE THING!!! [gasps]
Ace Ventura If the lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be, then, my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN!! THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead!! He found Captain Winky!!!
Ace Ventura Three fifty-one! Three fifty-one! Rover, SIT! HUT! HUT! [mimics being handed a football and dive bombs over some bushes]
Ace Ventura Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!
Ace Ventura Not Snowflake! Not Snowflake!
Ace Ventura HDS, sir! And how are you this afternoon- al-righty then. I have a package for you.
Man Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura Most likely sir. I bet it was something nice, though. Now, this is an insurance form; if you'll just sign here, here and here and print your name here and initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.
Aguado Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.
Mr. Shickadance Ventura!
Ace Ventura Yes, Satan? [turns around to face Mr. Shickadance] Oh, I'm sorry sir! You sounded like someone else.
Listen, pet dick. How would you like for me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 9-1-1? Aaal-righty then.
Ace Ventura Assholimio... Osodomia...
Ace Ventura HOLY...Testicle Tuesday!
What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Ace Ventura Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!
Emilio This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
Ronald Camp Who is he, a friend?
No, this is...this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald Camp Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?
No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace Ventura Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald Camp Very well, thank you.
Ace Ventura Oh! Look, honey, there's the 'orderves'. [looks suspiciously at Camp]
Ronald Camp I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Ace Ventura Be sure that you do! If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed!
Ace Ventura Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure.
Ace Ventura Well I have... kissed a man.
Ace Ventura Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
Ace Ventura ...and a clean pair of shorts!
What do you know about Ray Finkle?
Ace Ventura Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro-athlete to come out of Collier County, and one HELL of a model American. [takes deep breath]
Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?
Ace Ventura No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir!
Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
You're a weird guy, Ace. Weird guy.
The laces were in! They were IN!
[Lois then shoots one of the TV sets.]
It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Ace Ventura Hmm, what do you know. They're little footballs.
Laces out!
Who's he?
Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.
Nice to meet you, you were highly recommened by Martha Mertz.
Ace Ventura Martha Mertz? ...Oh, yeah, the bitch.
What?!
Ace Ventura Pekingnese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]
Oh, there is just... one more thing, Lieutenant. This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor, she lives across the hall. She said she heard a scream, isn't that right Ma'am?
Right.
And you said you had to open the balcony door when you came into the room?
Man That's true.
Ace Ventura You're certain you had to open this door?
Man Yeah, I'm certain.
What's the point, Ventura?!
Only this... [walks out to the balcony and sings a sustained operatic note while opening and closing the door; no one can hear him when the door is closed] This is double-paned soundproof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside this apartment before he was thrown over the balcony, and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist] I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Losers?
LOSERS! Leh-hew, ze-hers!
Roger Podacter Aw, great! I'll see if I can head them off. [Roger exits while Melissa talks to Ace]
Ace. Get out of the tank.
Ace I just can't do it, Captain! I don't have the power!
Podacter!
People!
I said, get out of the tank, NOW.
Ace For god's sakes, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR! Not a pool man!
Ace Ventura Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... [indicates Marino] He's the one you want! Kill him!
No, kill him! He's the detective!
Ventura No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy! [startled at Einhorn shooting into the air]
Ventura Jock.
Wimp.
Ventura Musclehead.
SHUT UP! I think I'll kill the dolphin first, I wouldn't want you to miss that!
SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM!!!!!!
Emilio Hold your fire! [Melissa drags Emilio into the area with a gun pointed at him] Don't shoot.
Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it! [**** gun and puts it under Emilio's chin]
Emilio She's not joking!
HE KIDNAPPED SNOWFLAKE! HE KILLED ROGER PODACTER, AND HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO KILL DAN MARINO AND ME!
Ace Oh-ho-HO! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance: if you were to look up professional football's all-time bonehead plays...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII. [takes deep breath and begins speaking faster] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing! [gasps for air]
Aguado What the hell are you talking about?
Ace SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!
He's lying...SHOOT HIM!
Ace Let's just see who's lying, shall we? Would a real woman have to wear one of these? [pulls on Einhorn's hair, assuming it's a wig] Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this...would a real woman be missing these? [rips open Einhorn's blouse] That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt very much if he could find the time during his... busy schedule...to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish! [rips Einhorn's skirt off] Heh heh...oh, boy.
Psst, Ace...come here.
Ace Would you excuse me for just one second? [Ace walks over to Marino, who whispers to him] Ladies and gentlemen...my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken...if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be...then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN! [Ace grabs Einhorn and spins her around, making everyone gasp in shock] THAT'S WHY ROGER PODACTER IS DEAD! HE FOUND CAPTAIN WINKY!
Ace Goodnight, everybody! You've been a wonderful audience! I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
DIE, ANIMAL BOOOOYYY!!!!!
Ace Quick decision.
No, whoa! Aagh!
Ace Loser!
Ace IDIOT!
What?!
Ace You realize what you just did. You cost me 25 Grand, Polly!
Yeah? Blow me.
Ace Rrreeallly? [they fight].
Ace Ventura
Fletcher Reede
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans
Lloyd
Grinch
Bruce
Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator)
Stanley Ipkiss/The Mask
