What the hell is he doing here?
I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Ace Ventura
Jim Carrey · 36 quotes
Lois Einhorn
Sean Young · 6 quotes
Dan Marino
Dan Marino · 3 quotes
Melissa Robinson
Courteney Cox · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Ace Ventura & Lois Einhorn (6), Ace Ventura & Melissa Robinson (3), Ace Ventura & Dan Marino (3)
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective quotes
Page 1 of 3
Emilio This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure.
Well I have... kissed a man.
HDS, sir! And how are you this afternoon- al-righty then. I have a package for you.
Man Sounds broken.
Most likely sir. I bet it was something nice, though. Now, this is an insurance form; if you'll just sign here, here and here and print your name here and initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.
Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
Mr. Finkle
What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air.]
Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro-athlete to come out of Collier County, and one HELL of a model American. [takes deep breath]
Mr. Finkle
Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?
No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir!
Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
You're a weird guy, Ace. Weird guy.
SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM!!!!!!
Emilio Hold your fire! [Melissa drags Emilio into the area with a gun pointed at him] Don't shoot.
Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it! [**** gun and puts it under Emilio's chin]
Emilio She's not joking!
HE KIDNAPPED SNOWFLAKE! HE KILLED ROGER PODACTER, AND HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO KILL DAN MARINO AND ME!
Oh-ho-HO! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance: if you were to look up professional football's all-time bonehead plays...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII. [takes deep breath and begins speaking faster] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing! [gasps for air]
Aguado What the hell are you talking about?
He's lying...SHOOT HIM!
[laughs]
Let's just see who's lying, shall we? Would a real woman have to wear one of these? [pulls on Einhorn's hair, assuming it's a wig] Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this...would a real woman be missing these? [rips open Einhorn's blouse] That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt very much if he could find the time during his... busy schedule...to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish! [rips Einhorn's skirt off] Heh heh...oh, boy.
Psst, Ace...come here.
Would you excuse me for just one second? [Ace walks over to Marino, who whispers to him] Ladies and gentlemen...my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken...if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be...then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN! [Ace grabs Einhorn and spins her around, making everyone gasp in shock] THAT'S WHY ROGER PODACTER IS DEAD! HE FOUND CAPTAIN WINKY!
[Everyone reacts in disgust.]
Goodnight, everybody! You've been a wonderful audience! I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
Finkle
[Finkle picks up a piece of glass]
DIE, ANIMAL BOOOOYYY!!!!!
Finkle
[Ace somersaults Finkle]
No, whoa! Aagh!
[Into the water. After surfacing, Ace grabs her/his hand to find that the championship ring she/he is wearing has a missing gemstone, confirming that she/he is indeed the culprit]
Loser!
Listen, pet dick. How would you like for me to make your life a living hell?
Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 9-1-1? Aaal-righty then.
The laces were in! They were IN!
[Lois then shoots one of the TV sets.]
Mr. Shickadance [speaks from behind Ace]
Ventura!
Yes, Satan? [turns around to face Mr. Shickadance] Oh, I'm sorry sir! You sounded like someone else.
Mrs. Finkle
It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Hmm, what do you know. They're little footballs.
Mrs. Finkle
Laces out!
Roger Podactor
Who's he?
Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.
Roger Podactor
[Roger shakes Ace's hand.]
Nice to meet you, you were highly recommened by Martha Mertz.
Martha Mertz? ...Oh, yeah, the bitch.
Roger Podactor
What?!
Pekingnese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]
Ronald Camp I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Be sure that you do! If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed!
Ronald Camp Who is he, a friend?
No, this is...this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald Camp Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?
No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald Camp [nervously]
Very well, thank you.
Roger Podacter [A crowd is having a commotion, while Ace is still in the tank.]
Aw, great! I'll see if I can head them off. [Roger exits while Melissa talks to Ace]
Ace. Get out of the tank.
Crowd
Podacter!
Roger
People!
I said, get out of the tank, NOW.
[Imitates the Star Trek character Dr. McCoy]
For god's sakes, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR! Not a pool man!