Most scenes together: Ace Ventura & Lois Einhorn (6), Ace Ventura & Melissa Robinson (3), Ace Ventura & Dan Marino (3)
IDIOT!
What?!
You realize what you just did. You cost me 25 Grand, Polly!
Yeah? Blow me.
Rrreeallly? [they fight].
Aguado Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.
Oh, there is just... one more thing, Lieutenant. This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor, she lives across the hall. She said she heard a scream, isn't that right Ma'am?
Right.
And you said you had to open the balcony door when you came into the room?
Man That's true.
You're certain you had to open this door?
Man Yeah, I'm certain.
What's the point, Ventura?!
Only this... [walks out to the balcony and sings a sustained operatic note while opening and closing the door; no one can hear him when the door is closed] This is double-paned soundproof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside this apartment before he was thrown over the balcony, and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist] I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Losers?
LOSERS! Leh-hew, ze-hers!
Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... [indicates Marino] He's the one you want! Kill him!
No, kill him! He's the detective!
No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy! [startled at Einhorn shooting into the air]
Wimp.
Musclehead.
SHUT UP! I think I'll kill the dolphin first, I wouldn't want you to miss that!
Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm GOING to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER!
I'm ready to go in, Coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind. [stands up] I'm going to execute a button-hook pattern, Super Slow-Mo. [Runs forward and collides with Dr. Handy in slow-motion] Lets see the instant replay! [repeats running in reverse]
Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good; you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin, while the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
Ajuss can't do it Captain! I DON'T... HAVE... the POWER!
Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is a man! Oh, my god! Einhorn is a man?! [after discovering Einhorn's true identity and remembering being kissed by "her"]
For God's sake's, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a POOL-MAN!
Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard sir?
Ho, ho, fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. (in a Clarence Darrow-like manner) For instance, if you were to look up "Professional Football's All-Time Bonehead Plays", you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen. [takes deep breath, then goes rapidfire] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, seducing his way to the top in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the ENTIRE THING!!! [gasps]
