Lloyd We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets' heads are fallin' off!!
Played by Jim Carrey 
Dumb and Dumber (1994) · 55 quotes
Dumb and Dumber (1994) · 55 quotes
Most-quoted character in Dumb and Dumber (1994): in 43 of its 55 quotes
Most scenes with: Harry (14)
You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eek my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. (pause) But most of all, I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
More lines from Lloyd
28 quotes Lloyd Lloyd Life's a fragile thing Harry... One minute you're chewin on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Lloyd Harry! You're alive! And you're a horrible shot!
Lloyd AH! Harry! Your hands are freezing!
Lloyd No way? Thats great! We landed on the moon!
Lloyd Harry, I took care of it.
Lloyd I got worms.
Lloyd Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy!
Lloyd So you're telling me there's a chance.
Lloyd Harry, I got some beef jer....
Lloyd How come I didn't get a dildo?
Lloyd Good bye my looooove!
Lloyd Find a happy place, find a happy place!
Lloyd It's okay, I'm a limo driver!
Lloyd Man, you are one pathetic loser! No offense.
Lloyd I was robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming!
Lloyd I fell off the jetway again.
Lloyd Yea. He must work out.
Lloyd [after accidentally killing a mobster in a restaurant]
Check, please!
Lloyd [dreaming that he's shooting Mary's husband]
DIE!
Lloyd [To Harry]
We're in a hole .. we're just gonna have to dig ourselves out
Lloyd (pretends to promote Turbo Lax)
1/2 teaspoon, for fast, effective relief.
Lloyd I'll tell ya where we'll go. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. And beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.
Lloyd Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? [makes a loud, weird noise]
Lloyd [pretends to promote Turbo Lax]
One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief.
Lloyd [after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea]
To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker.
Lloyd (about a passing woman at the preservation society)
I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti! [he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter]
Lloyd [deleted scene]
Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!
Scenes with Lloyd
14 scenes
What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd Oh, yeah! It's right here.
Lloyd [He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite.]
Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Nick
Gentlemen, this is a $500 dollar a plate dinner. Good night.
Lloyd In case we want seconds.
Lloyd Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly woman
Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman
Of course.
Lloyd Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!
Where's the booze?
Lloyd I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it comin'!
Lloyd [Harry starts to moan in despair.]
Oh, come on buddy, it's not that bad...come on, man...
It gets worse, Lloyd. Y'know my parakeet Petey?
Lloyd Yeah?
He's dead.
Lloyd Oh man...I'm sorry...what happened?
His head fell off.
Lloyd His head fell off?
Yeah, he was pretty old.
I can't feel my hands anymore, Lloyd. T-th-they're numb!
Lloyd Here, maybe you should wear these extra gloves... my hands are getting kinda sweaty!
Extra gloves? You've had...this pair...of extra gloves...this whole time?!?!
Lloyd Yeah! We're in the Rockies!
I'm gonna kill you.
Lloyd ...What?
I'm gonna KILL YOU!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, LLOYD!
[Harry grabs Lloyd and starts strangling him] :
Lloyd EEEK! HARRY! YOUR HANDS ARE FREEZING!
Lloyd I'm talkin' about a place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about a little place called Aspen.
Oh, I dunno, Lloyd, the French are assholes.
Lloyd The least you could do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Not good.
Lloyd You mean like one out of a hundred?
Mary More like one out of a million.
Lloyd So you're tellin' me there's a chance.
I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week!
Lloyd Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
Cop
Pull over!
NO, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!
Lloyd Yeah, killer boots, man!
Look at the buns on that.
Lloyd Yeaaaah...he must work out.
Lloyd The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
Lloyd Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Waitress
It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
How was your day?
Lloyd Not bad, fell off the jetway again.
So you got fired again?
Lloyd Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know.
Yeah, I lost my job too.
Lloyd Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense.
No, none taken.
[after accidentally killing Mental with rat poison]
He blamed me...those were his last words. You heard him.
Lloyd Not if you count the "gurgling" sound.
Lloyd So, where ya headed?
Mary Aspen
Lloyd Mmm, California. Beautiful!
Lloyd That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"
Lady at bus stop
Austria.
Lloyd Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop
Let's not.
Lloyd [singing]
Mock!
Yeah!
Lloyd Ing!
Yeah!
Lloyd Bird!
Yeah!
Head Detective
Did you get a make on the vehicle?
Detective
Yes, sir. They're driving an '84...sheep dog.
Woman That's right.
They yours?
Woman ..Uh huh.
Both of them?
Woman Yeah.
Cool!
That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
Beth
Oh, I'm moving to Aspen. I've gotta get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz! Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away from accident-prone guys. So, you know.
Well, you know I--
[rests hand on Beth's car's side mirror, which breaks] [hands mirror to her]
Here. It's a little loose.
Lloyd Isn't this incredible? What more could two single guys ask for?
How about some food?
Lloyd I swallowed a big June Bug while we were driving. I'm not really hungry.
Lloyd [reading newspaper]
Mary Swanson will... hossst... a new-ul...
"Host", "annual".
Lloyd An..u..el
"Annual".
Lloyd T...t...t-heh...t...
"The".
Lloyd I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd Right on my ass right after ya kiss it!
Kiss it?! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!!
Which one of you wants to get it first?
Lloyd Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me.
No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it.
Lloyd No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Lloyd No, you don't. No, you don't!
Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
Lloyd (faking)
Okay. Kill him!
Lloyd What's going on, Harry? Your name is "Harry", isn't it?
Yeah, she grabbed down at the lobby, explained what was up, then they slapped this bullet proof vest on me and gave me a gun.
But what if he shot you in the face?
Beth
That's a risk we were willing to take.
Bikini contestant
[bus pulls up, a girl comes out]
Hey, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us up before each competition.
You are in luck...there's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini contestant
Okay..thanks..
Lloyd [bus pulls away]
Do you realize what you've done?! Hey! Wait!
Lloyd [bus stops, and opens doors for them]
Y-you'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow...the town is back that way!
Lloyd [nudges Harry]
You're it.
Lloyd [nudges Harry]
You're it, quitsies!
Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd You can't do that!
Can too!
Lloyd Cannot, stamped it!
Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!
Lloyd Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings]
No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c--
GUYS!!! ENOUGH!!
Beth
The number's 555-...
Beth
905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank!
Beth
Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!
(she drives away)
Lloyd [upon hearing Petey's death]
Ohh...! That's it. I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
Okay, just calm down!
Lloyd What the hell are we doing here, Harry?! We gotta get outta this town!
Yeah, and go where, huh? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes. Wait a minute. [gets up from his chair] Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister. Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there, right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right, Lloyd?
Lloyd Yeah, so? Yeah! So? So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody who can plug us into the social pipeline.
No! No, no, no, no, Lloyd! No! I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs and we keep saving money for the wormstore! I don't know about you, but I am getting sick and tired of running from creditors.
Lloyd You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. But most of all... I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
Okay, Lloyd. Aspen it is.
Lloyd You better not be fooling. [walks over to Harry and hugs him while crying]
Okay, okay. Just let it out. Have a good cry, come on. Okay, that's enough.
Other characters in Dumb and Dumber
More Jim Carrey characters
Ace Ventura
Fletcher Reede
Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans
Grinch
Bruce
Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator)
Stanley Ipkiss/The Mask
Ace Ventura