Harry Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
More lines from Harry
8 quotes Harry Harry [checking the map]
So far, we've driven only 4 inches.
Harry [leg is on fire while asking for Beth Jordan's phone number]
FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!!
Harry We're almost in Colorado. What do you say we change seats? I've been driving for nine straight hours. I don't have the energy to start a new state.
Harry Look at the fun-bags on that hose hound.
Harry [to Mary]
Nice set of hooters you got there.
Harry You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp!
Harry Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate.
Scenes with Harry
15 scenes Harry What's her last name? I'll look it up.
You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite.]
Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Nick
Gentlemen, this is a $500 dollar a plate dinner. Good night.
Harry (Harry puts cash in Nicks' pocket)
Okay, put us down for four.
In case we want seconds.
(sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door)
Those rat bastards. They're rubbin' it right in our faces.
Shay Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back!
They must've been followin' us for weeks.
Shay Why ya say?
"Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas?
Shay They gotta be pros.
Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin' else. They ain't never gettin' to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that!
Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly woman
Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman
Of course.
Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!
Harry Where's the booze?
I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it comin'!
Harry It gets worse, Lloyd. Y'know my parakeet Petey?
Yeah?
Harry He's dead.
Oh man...I'm sorry...what happened?
Harry His head fell off.
His head fell off?
Harry Yeah, he was pretty old.
Harry I can't feel my hands anymore, Lloyd. T-th-they're numb!
Here, maybe you should wear these extra gloves... my hands are getting kinda sweaty!
Harry Extra gloves? You've had...this pair...of extra gloves...this whole time?!?!
Yeah! We're in the Rockies!
Harry I'm gonna kill you.
...What?
Harry I'm gonna KILL YOU!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, LLOYD!
[Harry grabs Lloyd and starts strangling him] :
EEEK! HARRY! YOUR HANDS ARE FREEZING!
I'm talkin' about a place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about a little place called Aspen.
Harry Oh, I dunno, Lloyd, the French are assholes.
The least you could do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Not good.
You mean like one out of a hundred?
Mary More like one out of a million.
So you're tellin' me there's a chance.
Harry I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week!
Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
Cop
Pull over!
Harry NO, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!
Yeah, killer boots, man!
Harry Look at the buns on that.
Yeaaaah...he must work out.
The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Waitress
It's the Soup of the Day.
Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
Harry How was your day?
Not bad, fell off the jetway again.
Harry So you got fired again?
Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know.
Harry Yeah, I lost my job too.
Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry No, none taken.
Harry [after accidentally killing Mental with rat poison]
He blamed me...those were his last words. You heard him.
Not if you count the "gurgling" sound.
So, where ya headed?
Mary Aspen
Mmm, California. Beautiful!
That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"
Lady at bus stop
Austria.
Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop
Let's not.
Harry Yeah!
Ing!
Harry Yeah!
Bird!
Harry Yeah!
Head Detective
Did you get a make on the vehicle?
Detective
Yes, sir. They're driving an '84...sheep dog.
Harry [spots a pair of skis on top of a woman's car]
Skis, huh?
Woman That's right.
Harry They yours?
Woman ..Uh huh.
Harry Both of them?
Woman Yeah.
Harry Cool!
Harry That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
Beth
Oh, I'm moving to Aspen. I've gotta get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz! Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away from accident-prone guys. So, you know.
Harry Well, you know I--
Harry [rests hand on Beth's car's side mirror, which breaks] [hands mirror to her]
Here. It's a little loose.
Isn't this incredible? What more could two single guys ask for?
Harry How about some food?
I swallowed a big June Bug while we were driving. I'm not really hungry.
Harry "Host", "annual".
An..u..el
Harry "Annual".
T...t...t-heh...t...
Harry "The".
I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Right on my ass right after ya kiss it!
Harry Kiss it?! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!!
Which one of you wants to get it first?
Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me.
Harry No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it.
No, you don't.
Harry Yes, I do.
No, you don't. No, you don't!
Harry Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
What's going on, Harry? Your name is "Harry", isn't it?
Harry Yeah, she grabbed down at the lobby, explained what was up, then they slapped this bullet proof vest on me and gave me a gun.
Harry But what if he shot you in the face?
Harry [to detective]
What if he shot me in the face?
Beth
That's a risk we were willing to take.
Bikini contestant
[bus pulls up, a girl comes out]
Hey, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us up before each competition.
Harry You are in luck...there's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini contestant
Okay..thanks..
[bus stops, and opens doors for them]
Y-you'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow...the town is back that way!
Harry [nudges Lloyd]
You're it.
Harry Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
You can't do that!
Harry Can too!
Cannot, stamped it!
Harry Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!
Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings]
Harry No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c--
GUYS!!! ENOUGH!!
Beth
The number's 555-...
Harry (quietly and rapidly)
555-...
Beth
905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank!
Harry (screams while his left leg is on fire)
FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!
Beth
Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!
(she drives away)
[upon hearing Petey's death]
Ohh...! That's it. I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
Harry Okay, just calm down!
What the hell are we doing here, Harry?! We gotta get outta this town!
Harry Yeah, and go where, huh? Where are we gonna go?
I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes. Wait a minute. [gets up from his chair] Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister. Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there, right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right, Lloyd?
Yeah, so? Yeah! So? So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody who can plug us into the social pipeline.
Harry No! No, no, no, no, Lloyd! No! I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs and we keep saving money for the wormstore! I don't know about you, but I am getting sick and tired of running from creditors.
You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. But most of all... I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
Harry Okay, Lloyd. Aspen it is.
You better not be fooling. [walks over to Harry and hugs him while crying]
Harry Okay, okay. Just let it out. Have a good cry, come on. Okay, that's enough.
Other characters in Dumb and Dumber
More Jeff Daniels characters
Harry Dunne
Col. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain
Dr. Ross Jennings
Bernard Berkman
Harry Temple
Tom Baxter
Abe
Teddy Sanders