Bruce quotes from Bruce Almighty (2003)

Bruce

First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber... Pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me.

Bruce

Just? Just get a clue!

Bruce

Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom. Tell me: Why did you throw the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe, floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ASS off?!

Bruce

That is perfect! That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you. Thank you, WKBW! Wimpy Kiddy Baby Whiners! THAT'S WHAT THAT STANDS FOR! I'll see you on Channel 5, where they do the real news.

Bruce

B-E-A-utiful.

Bruce

Fine! The gloves are off pal! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!

Bruce

You can't leave me! I'm the Alpha, lady! I'M THE OMEGA, BABY! Okay, fine, I don't need you!

Bruce

Okay, You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!

Bruce

I AM BRUCE ALMIGHTY! MY WILL BE DONE!

Bruce

It's perfect. She'll love it.

Bruce

Smite me oh mighty smiter!

Bruce

Yes, let's thank God, for his blessings are raining down upon me. WAIT! THAT'S NOT RAIN!

Bruce

So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, 'No, is big chocolate sprinkle.' But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.

Bruce

Well, I admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we?
...

Bruce

So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?

Bruce

That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.

Vol Kowolski

I work in back. I see no smiles.

Bruce

And the cookie is... ten feet, four inches! We have a new record! Cue the cheesy inspirational music! [theme from Chariots of Fire plays]

Bruce

And that's the way the cookie crumbles!

Bruce

Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

Grace

How'd you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.

Bruce

You look perky, hon. It must've been cold.

Grace

All right, fine! Do with it what you will, I don't care!

Bruce

I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy!

Ally

They want you close to the falls.

Bruce

Really? I'm gonna get soaked.

Ally

That's the point.

Bruce

Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.

Grace

Come on! What are you DOING?!

Bruce

Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor

Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...

Bruce

Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.

Jack

Cut the feed. Go to black.

I'm on it.

Bruce

I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, ****ers!

Jack

Oh boy.

Grace

Oh, my God.

Grace

Will you stop being such a martyr?

Bruce

I am not being a martyr. I'm the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers, and watch me squirm!

God

'The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass. Smite me, O mighty smiter!' Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce

Who are you?

God

I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.

Bruce

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!

God

In a way, I'm here to offer you a job.

Bruce

Job? What job?

God

My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers.

Bruce

Whatever you say, pal.

Bruce

If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood. (sound of glass shatters) HOLY HELL! (pull over)

Bruce [as Clint Eastwood]

Be careful what you wish for, punk. (gets out of car) No way, uh-uh, I am a reasonable, sane human being... (changes back into Clint Eastwood) with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the wo... (yells and changes back into Bruce) I'm not Clint Eastwood. (shuts eyes) I'm Bruce Nolan, Bruce Nolan. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce No- (attempts to throw gun away and pulls out his Eyewitness News microphone)-lan!

God

I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.

Bruce

Holy sh... cow.

Bruce

Where ya goin'?

God

I'm... taking a vacation.

Bruce

Wait, God doesn't take vacations! Does he? Do... ye?

God

Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can fix up everything in five minutes if you wanted to. Right? Ciao.

I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your sorry. How about that?

Bruce

What a coincidence, because that's... today.

Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?

This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!

Bruce

Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them]

Bruce

Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

Grace

Those are amazing! What are these?

Bruce

They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... todaisies.

Bruce

Bedroom?

Grace

Five minutes.

Grace

I'll be out in a minute.

Bruce

Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure...!

Bruce

It's a funny thing about pleasure.

Grace

Wow.

Bruce

It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!!!

God

It's really something, isn't it?

Bruce

Is this Heaven?

God

No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

Bruce

I'm DEAD?!

God

Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. (laughs)

Bruce

I'd better manifest some coffee. ¡Hola, Juan Valdez! (hello, juan valdez!)

Buenos días.' (good morning!)

Bruce

¡Buenos días! (good morning!)

Disfrute un buen caf?. (enjoy a good coffee.)

Bruce

Gracias, señor. (thank you, sir.)

¡Adiós! (goodbye!)

Bruce

¡Adiós! (goodbye!)

Bruce

Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

Bruce

Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?

Hey, you said 'ass.'

Bruce

Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey.

God

It's good.

Bruce

It's good.

s'goood!

Bruce

I was such an idiot.

Grace

It's okay.

Bruce

WHATEVER HE SAID →

God

This last entry was a little disturbing; "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce

Are you spying on me?! Who are you?

God

I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega.

Bruce

Oh, I see where this is going...

God

Bruce, I'm God.

Bruce

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK! You know what? It would have been a little bit more impressive though if you hadn’t used the cheesy file cabinet illusion. Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side.

Bruce

The game's been called on account of rain. [fire sprinklers go off without warning; people scream and evacuate the building]

God

Okay, let me explain the rules.

Bruce

Rules?

God

Yeah, you left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.

Bruce

Well, the "two extra fingers" thing freaked me out a little bit.

God

I figured that would get your attention. I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks. Now, here's the deal. You have all my power, use it any way you choose. There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God; believe me, you don't want that kind of attention. And you can't mess with free will.

Bruce

Can I ask why?

God

Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!

Bruce

Am I...?

God

You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.

Bruce

But why? Why now?

God

Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have the gift of bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.

Bruce

Quit braggin'.

God

You see! That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.

Bruce

What do you want me to do?

God

I want you to pray, son. Go ahead. Use them.

Bruce

Lord, feed the hungry and bring peace to all of mankind. [to God] How's that?

God

Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon - what do you really care about?

Bruce

Grace.

God

Grace.... You want her back?

Bruce

No... I want her to be happy. No matter what that means. I want her to find someone, who will treat her with all of the love she deserved from me... I want her to meet someone... who will see her always, as I do now... through your eyes...

God

Now that's a prayer.

Bruce

Yeah?

God

Yeah. It's good.

Bruce

It's good?

It's good! [laughs]

God

I'm gonna get right on it...