God quotes from Bruce Almighty (2003)

God

'The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass. Smite me, O mighty smiter!' Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce

Who are you?

God

I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.

Bruce

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!

God

In a way, I'm here to offer you a job.

Bruce

Job? What job?

God

My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers.

Bruce

Whatever you say, pal.

God

I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.

Bruce

Holy sh... cow.

Bruce

Where ya goin'?

God

I'm... taking a vacation.

Bruce

Wait, God doesn't take vacations! Does he? Do... ye?

God

Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can fix up everything in five minutes if you wanted to. Right? Ciao.

God

It's really something, isn't it?

Bruce

Is this Heaven?

God

No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

Bruce

I'm DEAD?!

God

Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. (laughs)

God

It's good.

Bruce

It's good.

s'goood!

God

This last entry was a little disturbing; "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce

Are you spying on me?! Who are you?

God

I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega.

Bruce

Oh, I see where this is going...

God

Bruce, I'm God.

Bruce

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK! You know what? It would have been a little bit more impressive though if you hadn’t used the cheesy file cabinet illusion. Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side.

God

Okay, let me explain the rules.

Bruce

Rules?

God

Yeah, you left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.

Bruce

Well, the "two extra fingers" thing freaked me out a little bit.

God

I figured that would get your attention. I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks. Now, here's the deal. You have all my power, use it any way you choose. There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God; believe me, you don't want that kind of attention. And you can't mess with free will.

Bruce

Can I ask why?

God

Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!

Bruce

Am I...?

God

You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.

Bruce

But why? Why now?

God

Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have the gift of bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.

Bruce

Quit braggin'.

God

You see! That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.

Bruce

What do you want me to do?

God

I want you to pray, son. Go ahead. Use them.

Bruce

Lord, feed the hungry and bring peace to all of mankind. [to God] How's that?

God

Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon - what do you really care about?

Bruce

Grace.

God

Grace.... You want her back?

Bruce

No... I want her to be happy. No matter what that means. I want her to find someone, who will treat her with all of the love she deserved from me... I want her to meet someone... who will see her always, as I do now... through your eyes...

God

Now that's a prayer.

Bruce

Yeah?

God

Yeah. It's good.

Bruce

It's good?

It's good! [laughs]

God

I'm gonna get right on it...