Knocked Up 2007 quotes, page 3

Debbie

Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.

Jonah

Don't masturbate with a noose. If you do, use a spotter or a teammate.

Jason

Dude, it's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Pete

Every time when you see yourself you think, how is these monster came here

Martin

**** me in the beard.

Debbie

He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

Jonah

Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?

Ben

Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling. Guess what the ****'s up? Allison is going in labor, and you are not **** here. No, where are you? You're at a **** bar mitzvah in San Francisco, you mother**** piece of shit! And you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm gonna have to kill you. I'm gonna have to pop a **** cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are **** Biggie, you piece of shit! I hope you **** die or drop the **** chair and kill that **** kid! I hope your plane crashes. Peace, ****er!

Jonah

Hey, Jay, do you use that Canadian leaf tattoo as like a **** target? How many points do you get for hitting the stem, like a million?

Jonah

How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?

Jay

I always aim right.

Doorman

I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.

Jonah

I could smoke weed, every second, of everyday.

Jay

I farted on Jason's pillow, he farted on Jonah's thinking it was mine, and eventually pink-eyed my pillow. I'm not proud of any of this.