Tim Allen movie quotes

View Quote To infinity and beyond!

View Quote How dare you open a Space Ranger's helmet on an uncharted planet! My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

View Quote Don't you get it?! [points to a doll's hat on his head] You see the hat?! I am Mrs. Nesbitt!

View Quote [upon seeing Lipo Lipo; about Patrcia] Oh, my God. She left me for Gilligan's Island!

View Quote [to Richard; quietly] You're walking around New York City... [loudly] WITH $1,000,000 IN A SUITCASE?!?!

View Quote (Because Patricia didn't show up) Okay, if that's the way she wants to play it, she's not gonna get a dime.

View Quote (From outtake: After seeing "This space for rent" on his wings) Darnit, Woody!

View Quote Buzz Lightyear Mission Log: All signs point to this planet as the location of Zurg's fortress, but there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.

View Quote Woody once risked his life to save mine, and I couldn't call myself his friend if I wasn't willing to do the same. Now who's with me?

View Quote [going on a date] A needlepoint sweater and a mini-van. I'll be back in about 8 minutes.

View Quote Neil, have you ever actually helped anyone?

View Quote Scott: [indicating a faulty toy kangaroo] Alexander, let's think. Take the hat off. [Alexander removes the hat, kangaroo hops easily] Too much counterweight.
Alexander the Elf: Thanks, Santa, you're the man.
Scott: That's why they gave me the big belly, so I don't fall over. [chortles]

View Quote You are a sad, strange little man.

View Quote The town will break our fall.

View Quote Hi! Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!

View Quote [to the bullfrog] What've you been eating?

View Quote I hope that you have good futures. Kidnapping is a capital crime. You can't just lock up people in cages.

View Quote [as a dog] I AM A DOG! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, EVERYBODY?! I'M A DOG! I AM A DOG!

View Quote [After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn.

View Quote [About Arthur] Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was not confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.

View Quote [About Puggy, who has just been paid five dollars for manual lifting and has found a 'home' in a tree] After only twenty-four hours in Miami, Puggy had already found more satisfactory employment and lived in a better neighbourhood than I did.

View Quote Scott: I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.
Sandman: I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.

View Quote Jack Frost: No one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott: What do you mean "no thank yous"? What about all the presents, the cookies and the milk? This junk is not what Christmas is about.

View Quote Jack: [after Santa's pants catch on fire] Is there anything I can do?
Scott: Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will you?

View Quote We're going in the attic now, folks. Keep your accessories with you at all times. Spare parts, batteries, anything you need for an orderly transition.

View Quote Jessie: Buzz! We're your friends!
Buzz: Spare me your lies, temptress! Your emperor's defeated, and I'm immune to your bewitching good looks.

View Quote [Buzz is back to normal and no longer speaking Spanish]
Buzz: That wasn't me, was it?
Jessie: Oh, Buzz, you're back! You're back, you're back, you're back!
Buzz: [confused] Yes, I'm back. Where have I been?
Woody: Beyond infinity, space ranger.

View Quote And by the way, everybody, Zurg is our dad.

View Quote Hi-Tech Edition Buzz Lightyear: Mission accomplished.
Hi-Tech Edition Evil Emperor Zurg: [cackling] We meet again, my son.
Hi-Tech Edition Buzz Lightyears: No!

View Quote [As Bonnie hides behind a tree, seeing the Jordan twins returning home…]
Jessie: Psst. Dolly, what's going on?
Dolly: [sighs] Not sure. You know, at first I was mad Bonnie drew these glasses on me, but honestly, I can see so much better now.
Jessie: Dolly, focus!
Dolly: Oh! Sorry. It's the Jordan twins. They're back home.
Buzz: Poor thing. She's still afraid to ask them to play.
Jessie: Not this time. [stealthily rolls towards the fence and pushes herself through the slots, then pulls the pull-string on her back; voice-box] Giddy-up there! Time's a-wastin'!

View Quote Guy Fleegman: [manning the sensor station] Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, moving toward the green thingy.
Jason Nesmith: What?
Guy Fleegman: [repeating] Red thingy, moving toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.

View Quote Jason Nesmith: [Keeping Dane from running away] Come on, old friend!
Alexander Dane: Old friend?! You stole all my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely!

View Quote [Jason is being menaced by a huge rock monster]
Alexander Dane: Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.
Jason Nesmith: "Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!
Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!
Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
Tommy Webber: Well, then go for the throat or something, its vulnerable spots!
Jason Nesmith: It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
Guy Fleegman: I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
Jason Nesmith: A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my adviser. Advise me!
Alexander Dane: Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster! It doesn't have a motivation!
Alexander Dane: You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!

View Quote Laura: All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott: Kind of like Neil. And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there is no Santa Claus?!

View Quote Charlie: Neil doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
Charlie: He's smart. He's a doctor.
Scott: He's not a doctor; he's a psychiatrist.

View Quote Scott: Hey, Barabbas.
Bernard: Bernard!
Scott: Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?

View Quote On my way, Woody!

View Quote Woody, we have a situation.

View Quote To infinity and beyond!

View Quote You screwed up their lives? And by doing that, you decided to screw up our lives?!

View Quote Jack: You're going to pay a disobedience fee of $10,000! Plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar! And if you want to see your friend alive again, do not call the cops! If you're not here in half an hour to settle this, I'm going to take the fine out on your friend's legs! I'm going to break them with this tire iron!
Dudley: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!
Jack: Fine! I'll break his hands!
Dudley: Oh, damn it. Bring the money!
Dudley: [upon seeing Maggie] She is perfect.
Doug: You like the waitress?
Dudley: Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her, but all I could think of was black jokes.
Bobby: Like which ones?
Dudley: I forget.
Bobby: Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whooped.
Dudley: Would that be funny?
Bobby: I'll be laughing. Oh, I'll be cracking up.
Bobby: [after being called out by Jack] Anyone else getting that pre-rape feeling?
Red: [grinning] I do.
Doug: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training, they just told us to play Doom!
Woody: [a large yard is full of a bunch of leaves] Well go home, Toby! You make me sick!
Toby: I can't do this many leaves for $10!
[Woody kicks a pile of leaves.]
Dudley: I'm looking to the parade this year. I got little Tootsie Rolls to throw to the kids.
Woody: Tootsie Rolls? You cannot even put on your left blinker without wiping out.
Maggie: That's too bad. I wanted you to try to kill my chili. It's pretty hot.
Dudley: No, I'll try it. I like your kind of hot. Chili, chili hot. Food hot. That's the hot I want to kiss. Eat.
Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and...
Bobby: You blow your deputy's ear off.
Charley: Yeah.
Bobby's Mother-In-Law: In my days, The ladies stayed at home, not lazy MEN!
Bobby: In your days, The men had pyramids to build. HOW OLD IS THAT!?!?
Bobby's Mother-In-Law: [shocked] HOLY.