1994 Charlie [upon seeing the reindeer on the rooftop]
Whoa! Dad, you gotta see this!
[climbing up the ladder, carrying the suit and boots with him]
Charlie! Charlie! Stay away from those things.
[while overpowering Jack]
Why? Because you make such a great Santa? Because all the elves love ya? All the people you took money from, because they love ya? Listen to me. Being Santa is not something you can take. It's something that chooses you!
[reluctantly puts on the coat]
Well... how do I look? Nice?
[to Jack]
And you're too late! [lets Jack go]
[shocked; starts to disappear back to the original timeline]
NOOOOOO!!! [disappears in red magic]
[The triumphant Scott disappears in gold magic, back to the exact timeline]
Ready? Wait for the kick.
She's brilliant like her mother with rhythm like her dad.
Yes. But, not amazing timing. I wish that the baby had come this afternoon, or last week like we thought. I'm going crazy. I mean, I'm really going crazy.
Uh, you need a diversion.
No, no, Scott. No more gifts. You already gave me a birthstone necklace, oven mitts, the cheese wheel.
Well, this is not for you. This is for the baby. I'll be back in a jiff. Ho! Ho! Ho! [leaves the room and comes back through the fireplace. He holds a big bag and then pulls a much smaller one out of it. He then opens smaller bag, and a baby mobile magically appears]
Oh, Scott! Oh, honey, it's beautiful! The baby's gonna love it.
Yeah. It spins around like this.
[taps on Scott's shoulder]
Excuse me, sir.
[turns around; surprised]
Curtis!
Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Which is voice-enhanced. [records his voice on the pen] Will that be cash or credit card, sir? [plays back his recording]
"Will that be cash or credit card, sir?"
And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
Curtis, it's me. [sees the nice list kiosk] Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?
Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? [stammering] Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!
[The security guards restrain Scott]
Bring Frost out here right now!
[offscreen]
I'll take care of him. [appears as Santa] Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
Frost. What have you done?
Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?
Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Please, I'm cleansing. [chuckles] So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? [deep breath] I got everything I need right here.
Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
[sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen]
Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
[takes the pen]
This junk is not what Christmas is about.
Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Tricked you? Give me a break.
I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
[an idea came to him]
What? [surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen]
[a trifle impatiently]
I said, "Who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?
Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
And this is your chance to enjoy the show. [to the security guard] Security.
SG Security Guard
Yes, sir.
Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
SG Security Guard
[to Scott]
Come on, let's go.
[having an idea]
Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada."
Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up! Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming!
What a quaint little village. Everyone's just so petite.
No, Tom Cruise is petite, these guys are short! What's the deal?
Who? What? Um...Oh, uh...Have you ever been to this part of Canada?
No, it's too far. We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Sylvia's sister in '67, but no.
Very lovely place. But it's not Canada, is it?
Well, this is...this is what Canadians look like.
[Everyone is silent] [confused]
Ah.
[Carol cries over her broken glass star tree topper]
Oh, honey.
[trying to comfort his wife]
Honey, I think maybe I can fix that. I know you're upset.
[sarcastically]
Oh, you picked up on that, did you?
Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.
Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under!
Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore!
Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to make things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.
[decided]
That's it. We're leaving.
Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.
[sadly]
Maybe I should never have come either.
[Scott gets frustrated] [rushes up to Scott]
Don't say anything, you'll regret. [Carol leaves to sit down] I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh? [to Scott] Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go. [leaves with Scott]
[comforting Carol]
Oh, sweetheart.
[Jack pulls out his present to Scott as they walk away]
It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.
Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.
But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.
You know, I-I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I-I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now. [pulls up his present to Scott]
I don't feel like it, Jack.
Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.
I don't feel like it, Jack.
Come on, you just open it, please.
[gives in]
Thanks. [takes the present]
So are there times when you wonder...
Worth it? [scoffs] More than you know.
[nods]
Tonight's one of these times, huh?
Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
So...you wish you'd never become Santa at all?
[scoffs]
I wish I'd never become Santa.
At all. At all. [opens his present] Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy? [notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow]
[smiles evilly]
I am now.
[Carol is being rushed down the hallway on a gurney]
BABY CLAUS IS ON THE WAY! Ladies, keep up! Please, hot water and hot ointments. You, think sugar plums. Do not panic! Do not panic! Curtis, the baby's coming!
Cocoa, the baby's coming!
Cocoa Mrs Claus, the baby's coming!
[First lines]
All right, class, if a reindeer leaves Elfsburg flying west at 20 miles per hour, and another reindeer flies east traveling at 50 miles per hour, how many hours does it take for them to be 210 miles apart? Anyone? Anyone? [one elf raises her hand] Trish.
Trish How come we can't learn the things we want to learn?
Trish Like, wasn't it weird when you married Santa, and had to move all the way up to the Pole and give up your old life, Mrs. Claus?
Weirder than you can possibly imagine. But then something so gigantic happened that it changed Santa and me forever.
Trish Like what?
Laura [Neil, Laura, and Lucy walk into the workshop and see the elves working on the toys] [amazed]
Magnificent.
[runs in after them]
Now, please remember, you're welcome to observe, but don't touch anything or otherwise interfere with the toymaking process.
I'll make sure she doesn't get into anything.
Look! Kobi the Magic Panda and accessories! [runs down into the workshop]
Lucy! [chases her] Lucy, come back here. [stops himself] Whoa! Trains. [runs down into the workshop]
Laura [to Curtis]
I'm... I'm just gonna go to make a doll! [runs down into the workshop]
[Curtis gets frustrated]
[Scott and Jack are transported to Christmas Eve 1994, when Scott accidentally killed the original Santa. They landed on the snow of the front lawn of Scott's former house. They look up to see the original Santa on the rooftop. Scott hurries, but Jack pulls him away.] [calling out to the original Santa]
Hey, you!
[The original Santa startled, tumbled over, slid on the rooftop, and landed on the lawn before he disappears. Scott tackles Jack, and is about to reach the red coat, but Jack whacks his face with a shovel before getting the coat.] [in pain]
You hit me with a shovel!
[puts on the red coat, becoming the new Santa]
Adios, fatty! [disappears in gold magic]
[shocked]
NO, FROST! NO!!! Oh, no... [disappears in red magic]
