Sir! Sir!
Scott Curtis, stop. If you're gonna tell me that your entire facility is ruin and Christmas is tomorrow and for the first time in history, all the kids in the world won't get their gifts because I failed them, stop it! I can't handle one more piece of bad news.
Well, then, good news, sir.
Scott What?
Your pants is on fire.
Scott Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will you?
Everyone's just so petite.
No, Tom Cruise is petite, these guys are short! What's the deal?
Scott Have you ever been to this part of Canada?
We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Syliva's sister in '67, but no.
Scott They can't help the way they look up here. It's a bit rude to make fun of an entire country, don't you think?
Jack Frost, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii. You made it snow in the Amazon. And you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese North for the winter. You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Excuse me... Did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious.
Scott Oh, please.
Guilty as charged.
Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.
You're the best friend, not the leading man.
And you kill fruit.
Scott I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.
I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.
Yeah, and…?
Scott Elfficers! I have him! [to Jack] Jack, this isn't funny! Unfreeze the parents right now!
No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.
Scott Mother Nature, help me out. Can you thaw him out?
I'm sorry, Santa. My powers don't work on other legendary figures.
Isn't that a shame? [chuckles]
Scott What do you say, Luce?
Do you think it'll work?
Scott The question is you.
OK. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? What are you going to do, adorablise me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my [Lucy hugs him] WAYYYYY.... [starts heating up] Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. [purrs] Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!
I'm warming your heart.
But they told me it couldn't be done.
But they didn't know about magical hugs.
I think I like it.
Mom, Dad!
Lucy!
Mom! Dad!
Group hug!
Yes.
Oh Scott, I think it's time.
Scott Oh, about 10:00.
No, I think it's time to deliver the package.
Scott Midnight as usual.
No, I think it's time to deliver the "package".
Scott IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!
No one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott What do you mean "no thank yous"? What about all the presents, the cookies and the milk? This junk is not what Christmas is about.
And then the most magical thing of all is that I got to deliver just before Santa had to deliver.
Scott Are you telling the stories again?
So cute.
Scott Make sure you get to the part about Santa changing a mean diaper.
So who got to pick out the name?
That was easy. We named him after his grandpa.
Scott That's right. Say hello to... Buddy Claus.
Scott BABY CLAUS IS ON THE WAY! Ladies, keep up! Please, hot water and hot ointments. You, think sugar plums. Do not panic! Do not panic! Curtis, the baby's coming!
Cocoa, the baby's coming!
Mrs Claus, the baby's coming!
I KNOW!!!
Scott Okay.
Ready? Wait for the kick.
Scott She's brilliant like her mother with rhythm like her dad.
Yes. But, not amazing timing. I wish that the baby had come this afternoon, or last week like we thought. I'm going crazy. I mean, I'm really going crazy.
Scott Uh, you need a diversion.
No, no, Scott. No more gifts. You already gave me a birthstone necklace, oven mitts, the cheese wheel.
Scott Well, this is not for you. This is for the baby. I'll be back in a jiff. Ho! Ho! Ho! [leaves the room and comes back through the fireplace. He holds a big bag and then pulls a much smaller one out of it. He then opens smaller bag, and a baby mobile magically appears]
Oh, Scott! Oh, honey, it's beautiful! The baby's gonna love it.
Scott Yeah. It spins around like this.
Scott Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada."
Scott Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up! Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming!
Scott Comet! Next time we fly, go easy on the alfalfa, will you?
[Comet resumes passing gas]
What a quaint little village. Everyone's just so petite.
No, Tom Cruise is petite, these guys are short! What's the deal?
Scott Who? What? Um...Oh, uh...Have you ever been to this part of Canada?
No, it's too far. We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Sylvia's sister in '67, but no.
Scott Very lovely place. But it's not Canada, is it?
No.
Scott Well, this is...this is what Canadians look like.
Scott Honey, I think maybe I can fix that. I know you're upset.
Scott Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.
Scott Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under!
Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore!
Scott Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to make things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.
Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Scott Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.
Don't say anything, you'll regret. [Carol leaves to sit down] I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh? [to Scott] Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go. [leaves with Scott]
Scott It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.
Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.
Scott But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.
You know, I-I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I-I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now. [pulls up his present to Scott]
Scott I can't.
Come on. Open it.
Scott I don't feel like it, Jack.
Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.
Scott I don't feel like it, Jack.
Come on, you just open it, please.
Scott Thanks. [takes the present]
So are there times when you wonder...
Scott Wonder what?
If this was even...
Scott Worth it? [scoffs] More than you know.
Scott Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
So...you wish you'd never become Santa at all?
Scott I wish I'd never become Santa.
At all?
Scott At all. At all. [opens his present] Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy? [notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow]
Hey, you!
Scott You hit me with a shovel!
Scott NO, FROST! NO!!! Oh, no... [disappears in red magic]
Scott Curtis!
Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
Scott No.
Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Scott What is that?
Which is voice-enhanced. [records his voice on the pen] Will that be cash or credit card, sir? [plays back his recording]
"Will that be cash or credit card, sir?"
Scott That's silly.
And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
Scott The nice list?
Walk with me, won't you?
Scott Curtis, it's me. [sees the nice list kiosk] Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?
Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Scott Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? [stammering] Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!
Security!
Scott Bring Frost out here right now!
I'll take care of him. [appears as Santa] Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
Scott Frost. What have you done?
Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?
Scott Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Please, I'm cleansing. [chuckles] So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? [deep breath] I got everything I need right here.
Scott Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
Scott This junk is not what Christmas is about.
Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Scott Because you tricked me.
Tricked you? Give me a break.
Scott I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
Scott What? [surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen]
I said, "Who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?
Scott Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
And this is your chance to enjoy the show. [to the security guard] Security.
Yes, sir.
Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
Come on, let's go.
"I wish I'd never been Santa at all!"
Scott Who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?
Whoa! Dad, you gotta see this!
1994 Scott Charlie! Charlie! Stay away from those things.
I want that coat!
Scott Why? Because you make such a great Santa? Because all the elves love ya? All the people you took money from, because they love ya? Listen to me. Being Santa is not something you can take. It's something that chooses you!
1994 Scott Well... how do I look? Nice?
Scott And you're too late! [lets Jack go]
NOOOOOO!!! [disappears in red magic]
[The triumphant Scott disappears in gold magic, back to the exact timeline]
