Jack [after Santa's pants catch on fire]
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will you?
Scenes with Jack
14 scenes Jack 
Jack Frost, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii. You made it snow in the Amazon. And you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese North for the winter. You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack Excuse me... Did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious.
Oh, please.
Jack Guilty as charged.
Father Time
Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.
Tooth Fairy
You're the best friend, not the leading man.
Easter Bunny
And you kill fruit.
[skips around the workshop, passes Santa's secret snow globe stash; notices Jack Frost emerging from it with Santa's snow globe in hand]
That's Uncle Scott's snow globe. You're not supposed to have it.
Jack I know. Isn't it great?
It's not great at all. You've done a terrible thing. You'll be on the naughty list for the rest of your life.
Jack But naughty list people have more fun.
I'm calling for help.
Jack I wouldn't do that.
[walks back out to the workshop; calls out parents]
Mom! Dad! Over here! Quick! [Lucy's parents rush into Santa's secret snow globe stash not knowing Jack is behind the door, which he closes]
Lucy, what's wrong?
Jack I told you not to do that.
Jack Frost took Uncle Scott's snow globe and he knows it's not his! [Jack blows his frost on parents; Lucy screams] Stop! Stop! No! [Jack stops blowing; parents are completely frozen] What did you do?!
Jack I froze them! [inhales; pauses] Now am I going to have to the same thing to you, or are you going in that closet and not say a word? [Lucy unwillingly makes her choice, and walks into the closet with her frozen parents] Smart girl. Oh, smile, will ya? I've had kids beg me to freeze their parents. And to think I asked you to be my elf. [closes closet with Lucy and her parents in it]
Jack Yeah, and…?
Elfficers! I have him! [to Jack] Jack, this isn't funny! Unfreeze the parents right now!
Jack No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.
Mother Nature, help me out. Can you thaw him out?
I'm sorry, Santa. My powers don't work on other legendary figures.
Jack Isn't that a shame? [chuckles]
Do you think it'll work?
The question is you.
Jack [Lucy looks at Scott, hands over the snow globe & walked to Frost]
OK. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? What are you going to do, adorablise me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my [Lucy hugs him] WAYYYYY.... [starts heating up] Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. [purrs] Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!
I'm warming your heart.
Jack But they told me it couldn't be done.
But they didn't know about magical hugs.
Jack [Everyone watches Jack Frost warming up as his appearance starts to change] [smiles]
I think I like it.
[Everyone looks as the ice starts to thaw off the Millers & causing them to be unfrozen]
Mom, Dad!
Laura
Lucy!
Mom! Dad!
Group hug!
Laura
Yes.
Mrs. Clause
[Everyone is proud and happy that Neil & Laura Miller are unfrozen; Scott & Carol kiss; reformed Jack Frost laughs and weeps happily in group hug.] [baby is about to be born]
Oh Scott, I think it's time.
Oh, about 10:00.
Mrs. Clause
No, I think it's time to deliver the package.
Midnight as usual.
Mrs. Clause
No, I think it's time to deliver the "package".
[looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization]
IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!
Jack Chococinos anyone?
Oh, yes. [Jack pulls out her chair; sits down]
Jack [handing her a cup]
I hope you like it. It's my special recipe [they both sip their cups].
Mmm, minty.
Jack Doesn't it make you feel refresh?
Yes, it does! [drinks some more]
Jack Oh my, I just love your hair.
You do?
Jack Yeah, I do.
I love yours.
Jack You do?
Yeah, I do. I've never seen anything like it.
Jack Oh, you're so adorable. You divine little kitten you. [woofs flirtatiously; Sylvia giggles] I bet you can sing.
No, no, no, no, no.
Jack Oh, come on, I bet you can sing.
Mmm, a little.
Jack I knew it! I knew it! Sing something for me.
What do you want to hear?
Jack How about [singing] chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Jack No, no. Go back to the other line, the one before the first one.
Jack Ooh, it gives me the chills.
Jack Oh, what a lyric! [Carol walks in]
Hey, guys, what's going on?
Jack Frost [excitedly]
Your mother is fabulous! [Sylvia playfully pinches his nose] Would you like to be my elf?
Huh?
Jack You heard me.
Jack [to Scott]
You get the soda cans and you get the TV specials and you get the postage stamps and the billboards and the beautiful adoring wife and the army of toy-building yes men. What do I get? A few runny noses and some dead citrus.
[after putting out an oven fire deliberately started by Jack]
What's the matter with you people? Don't you realize you were an inch away from Armageddon?
Jack [sarcastically]
I'll get a mop!
Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.
Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under!
Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore!
Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to make things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.
Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.
Jack [Scott gets frustrated] [rushes up to Scott]
Don't say anything, you'll regret. [Carol leaves to sit down] I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh? [to Scott] Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go. [leaves with Scott]
[Jack pulls out his present to Scott as they walk away]
It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.
Jack Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.
But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.
Jack You know, I-I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I-I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now. [pulls up his present to Scott]
I can't.
Jack Come on. Open it.
I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.
I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack Come on, you just open it, please.
Jack So are there times when you wonder...
Wonder what?
Jack If this was even...
Worth it? [scoffs] More than you know.
Jack [nods]
Tonight's one of these times, huh?
Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
Jack So...you wish you'd never become Santa at all?
Jack At all?
At all. At all. [opens his present] Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy? [notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow]
Jack [smiles evilly]
I am now.
Jack [Scott and Jack are transported to Christmas Eve 1994, when Scott accidentally killed the original Santa. They landed on the snow of the front lawn of Scott's former house. They look up to see the original Santa on the rooftop. Scott hurries, but Jack pulls him away.] [calling out to the original Santa]
Hey, you!
[The original Santa startled, tumbled over, slid on the rooftop, and landed on the lawn before he disappears. Scott tackles Jack, and is about to reach the red coat, but Jack whacks his face with a shovel before getting the coat.] [in pain]
You hit me with a shovel!
Jack [puts on the red coat, becoming the new Santa]
Adios, fatty! [disappears in gold magic]
Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
No.
Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
What is that?
Which is voice-enhanced. [records his voice on the pen] Will that be cash or credit card, sir? [plays back his recording]
"Will that be cash or credit card, sir?"
That's silly.
And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
The nice list?
Walk with me, won't you?
Curtis, it's me. [sees the nice list kiosk] Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?
Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? [stammering] Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!
Security!
Jack [offscreen]
I'll take care of him. [appears as Santa] Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
Frost. What have you done?
Jack Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?
Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
Jack The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Jack Please, I'm cleansing. [chuckles] So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? [deep breath] I got everything I need right here.
Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
Jack [sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen]
Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
Jack Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Because you tricked me.
Jack Tricked you? Give me a break.
I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Jack Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
Jack [a trifle impatiently]
I said, "Who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?
Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
Jack And this is your chance to enjoy the show. [to the security guard] Security.
Security Guard
Yes, sir.
Jack Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
Security Guard
[to Scott]
Come on, let's go.
Jack [The elf pianist plays "Theme from New York, New York" in a pleasingly expert but slightly "cheesy" honky-tonk style] [in a ridiculously loud, booming tone and bombastic self-important style that makes him look like an overgrown puffed-up idiot]
Start spreadin' th' news...by jet or by sleighhhh...You wanna be a part of it - North Pole, North Pole...You snooze and you loooose...so come here to PLAYYYY...here at the VERY HEART OF IT - North Pole, North Pole...come see the SNOWMAN...up where NO MAN's without a treeeeat...And watch this KING OF THE CHILL - HA! - turn up the heeeeat...Ah-those-ah summuhtime bluuuues...are MELTing awayyyy...although it's 55 BELOW...at Polar Norrrth...You'll zip your - PARKA tight...sugar plum dreams - LATE AT night...It's all for YOU - North Pole, North Pole. You'll wanna WAKE UP in the RESORT that never sleeeeeps...and watch this king of the chill, in perfect control, Doing his THING at the TOP of the POLE...If you can MAKE IT HERE...the world's all...CHRISTMAS CHEER... [the elf pianist groans at the absurdity of this last statement] ...holiday GOLD...North POLE...NOOOORRRTH POLLLLLE! [the audience applaud for the cheesy performance, until Scott swings the lights and kicks him off the stage, landing on the pile of presents] Argh! I'm gonna KICK THE COAL outta whoever did that!
Jack [to Scott]
Get this through your head. You're not Santa anymore. You're just a guy who smells like a cookie.
1994 Charlie
[upon seeing the reindeer on the rooftop]
Whoa! Dad, you gotta see this!
[climbing up the ladder, carrying the suit and boots with him]
Charlie! Charlie! Stay away from those things.
Jack I want that coat!
[while overpowering Jack]
Why? Because you make such a great Santa? Because all the elves love ya? All the people you took money from, because they love ya? Listen to me. Being Santa is not something you can take. It's something that chooses you!
Jack [shocked; starts to disappear back to the original timeline]
NOOOOOO!!! [disappears in red magic]
[The triumphant Scott disappears in gold magic, back to the exact timeline]
Jack [Both Scott and Jack are back in the original timeline, and Scott becomes Santa again. He sees Carol and her parents walking, and runs to them in happiness] [defeated]
Well, that didn't work out the way I had hoped.
