[in her office]
Not only is it an affront to authority, but a blatant disrespect for property. My feeling is if this sort of thing continues, I'll have no other recourse than to suspend--
Excuse me, excuse me. Is there a rest stop between here and the end of the lecture? Because I'm more interested in why this happened in the first place.
So am I. Charlie, we're all worried about you. It feels to me like you're trying to get someone's attention. What's bothering you? [Charlie shrugs] Dr. Miller?
Neil Neil.
Neil. Uh, do you have any theories?
Neil Well, frankly, I have several.
Here we go. Let's just order a pizza.
Laura Scott, you're not helping. [Scott sits down and groans]
Neil I was listening to a new tape series on child development just last night.
[hits his head on the file drawers]
Y-Y-You know what the problem is? Excuse me, Neil. It's four weeks until Christmas. That's a major holiday in December.
Have you noticed the hallways in this school? There's not a decoration, not a twinkle light, not an expression of the happiness and joy that kids are supposed to be feeling this time of year. I mean, what kind of school are you running?
A public school, Mr. Calvin, the top-rated academically public school in the district. That takes a lot of effort. And money. And spending any of that money on holiday decorations would take away from the things that truly matter.
Forgive me, but I think holiday cheer really matters.
Laura Hey, what are we going to do? Charlie, we're all really worried--
Laura, let me handle this. Charlie, you know what you did is wrong, right?
[carelessly/nonchalantly]
I guess so.
There's no guessing. The guessing-- Guessing is gone. It was wrong, what you did, and you're not gonna do it again. Promise me.
There you go. He's good to his word, he won't do it again. Meeting is adjourned.
It most certainly is not! Charlie?
You know what else? Here's a little donation. Why don't you buy yourself a wreath?
Charlie, I care more about you than anybody else, but it's a two-way street. What am I supposed to do if you won't confide in me?
[shushes Charlie and they both move into the living room]
What? What? Talk to me.
Okay, I don't live a normal life.
You live a great life here.
No, no, no, just listen to me! My friends get to go around saying, you know, "M-My dad's a plumber. My dad's a pilot. My dad's a dentist." [voice breaking] Well, you know what? My dad is the best thing of all, and I can't tell anyone about it! Dad, you have no idea how hard that is, walking around with that secret for all these years. And now on top of everything, you're going out with Principal Newman, I mean, and you don't even tell me about it? My whole life has become about secrets, and I hate it! [sniffles]
[regretfully]
I'm sorry. Forget about Principal Newman, all right? And forget about Santa. I'm done. [sees watch with magic counter at 0; sighs dejectedly] My time's up.
Who cares anymore? [sniffles]
The toy Santa's gone completely out of control. He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty, and he's gonna give the whole world COAL!
Well, how come Bernard didn't come down and tell me this?
Yeah. You've gotta fly back with me to the North Pole to save Christmas!
I can't. I have no magic left. I'm out of magic, look. [shows Curtis the watch, which the handle had gone down to zero]
[grunts angrily]
I thought you had Comet.
[realizing]
Yes! Come on! [cut outside to the backyard] Hey, Comet. We just-- [sees Comet is lying on the ground, morbidly obese] Comet? Comet? Look at me. Look at me. Comet. [Comet groans sickly] What are ya doin'? You're not supposed to eat sugar. It's bad for you. [Comet grunts] What do you mean, you didn't eat this? [Comet grunts] Who did?
Comet [grunting]
A squirrel.
Comet [grunting]
Yeah.
Yeah, well, get this. You gotta fly both of us back to the North Pole.
Comet [grunting] The North Pole?
Yeah, tonight. Okay. I'll help you up. [Comet groans] All right? Ready? You've got to help me a little here. [tries to lift Comet, but fails] Good. Good. Okay, we almost got it. That's okay. That's okay. Okay, now, help me here. Can ya move anything? [Comet strains; notices something] Fire in the hole! [to Curtis] Get away! [Comet farts and sighs in relief] [digusted] Whoa! Eat some roughage, will you? All right. Ooh, well, what about the jet pack?
It kinda burned up on reentry.
Scott What am I supposed to do? Grow wings?
Laura Miller Scott!
Laura Hey! You trimmed your beard.
Neil Miller Come here, big guy. [hugs Scott; chuckles] Whoa, you lost some weight there, huh? Slim-Fast?
Laura We should get going.
Laura Okay? How do you always know when there's a problem?
Well, I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake.
Neil Which is a pretty frightening concept, when you think about it.
Laura You know, Scott, we're really worried about Charlie. He keeps upping the ante. This time, he defaced school property.
Neil It's a classic case of acting out.
I'm blaming myself for this.
Laura Oh, come on, now. We're both his parents.
Laura He's waiting for us in Principal Newman's office.
Principal Newman. There's something about that woman that makes me want to deface public property. [chuckling] He-he-hey!
Hello, Mr. Calvin. Laura, Neil.
LA Laura and Neil
Miss Newman.
Yeah, I haven't seen you since the last time Charlie was in trouble.
Well, I've been travelling for work, you know?
Well, maybe if you spent more time with your son, there would be fewer problems.
Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend more time with you, which is always such a pleasure.
Oh, a battle of wits. It's a shame that you came unarmed. Excuse me.
P Picardo
[stopped by Carol]
Good mornin', Principal Newman.
[confiscates Picardo's skateboard]
Mr. Picardo, I want you to look into my eyes. What do you see?
P Picardo
It's dark. And it's cold.
It's your future, Mr. Picardo. Keep this up, and you will spend the rest of your life stabbing trash by the highway. Do I make myself clear?
So, what are you gonna do?
P Picardo
I'm going straight to 3rd-period geometry.
Have a nice trip. [Picardo walks away]
Lucy Are you an elf?
No, of course not. Why would you ask such a silly question?
Lucy How come you have pointy ears?
It's because I never ate my green vegetables. [leans closer] Do you eat your green vegetables?
Lucy [feels her ears; worried]
Uncle Scott!
[indicating a faulty toy kangaroo]
Alexander, let's think. Take the hat off. [Alexander removes the hat, kangaroo hops easily] Too much counterweight.
Thanks, Santa, you're the man.
That's why they gave me the big belly, so I don't fall over. [chortles]
[wearing an admiral uniform]
Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. [the elves stopped working] Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.
E Elves
[confused]
What? Huh?
The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!
[to the other elves]
We can't give them coal.
We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. [an elf hands him a horn] Thank you, sweetie. [chuckles] I-- I hate to blow my own horn. [blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves]
Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!
[can't handle the lies]
Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!
He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy! [while being held hostage by the toy soldiers] Ohh! Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!
[sarcastically]
Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding...have a...a joyous and merry Christmas! [The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts] Merry Christmas!
[at the North Pole]
Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate.
This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.
[while reading the contents of handbook of rules]
Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list.
Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice.
Santa already checked it.
I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.
I think you're misunderstanding something.
No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.
PO Police Officer
[Charlie is getting chased by a police officer] [grabs walkie-talkie microphone attachment]
He's heading east toward the main entrance!
[Charlie tries to run away, only to run into Carol Newman] [sternly]
Hello, Charlie.
[scared]
Hello, Principal Newman.
[school bell rings]
Are Laura and Neil on their way?
No, I volunteered to go solo on this one.
Oh, y-you look-- You've really lost weight. Are you feeling all right?
I was until I got this phone call. [sees graffitied lockers with Carol Newman saying, "Trim a tree, go to jail!"] Charlie, you promised that you weren't gonna do this again. Now you've broken a promise. What's the matter with you, Charlie? I'm gonna have to punish you. I'll ground him for two months.
I thought you were on my side!
How can I be on your side when--
I'm gonna do one better, Charlie. You're suspended.
Hold on a second. I'm just as upset about this as you, but isn't there another way that we can punish him that doesn't involve taking him out of school?
What did you have in mind?
We could-- [stammering] Community service?
Huh, that's not a bad idea. Okay, Charlie. I want you to start by cleaning off this wall. I want everything, everything, off of there by tonight. And then, for the rest of the week, you can clean off every mark off of every locker in this hallway.
[sternly]
Do as she says, Charlie.
But I-I have homework, tests to study for.
It's not my problem. I have a detention group that meets on Saturday, so we will all get together at the Sullivan Rec Center, and scrape off the graffiti at 8:00 A.M. See you both there.
You say both of us? [chuckles] I-- I'm very busy. I do a lot of other community service.
That's good. You just got yourself elected parent rep. [to Charlie] And Charlie, we'll talk about the suspension.
[during a game of tinsel football]
Come on, Pork Chop. Bring it on.
Who you callin' "Pork Chop", Meatloaf?
"Meatloaf"? You wanna talk some trash? I'll talk trash with ya. But first, I'm gonna blitz.
[to another elf]
I'm comin' after you, buddy.
Seven swans-a-swimming! Six geese-a-laying!
E Elves
Five golden rings!
You know this, Number One. Its Christmas. I've got to deliver gifts.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Carol, I... I cannot continue being Santa...unless I find a Mrs. Claus.
Oh. So that's what the whole noodles and pie thing...You just needed to find a wife.
Yes, I was looking for a wife. No, I didn't figure on falling... in love.
You love me? This is all happening so fast.
Well, there's no pressure.
I just won't deliver the gifts and children everywhere will stop believing, the elves will lose their jobs, the North Pole will disappear and Christmas will be gone.
Abby Get down on one knee.
Abby Do it. Now. Say "Carol."
Abby You say this is happening all so fast.
You say this is happening all so fast.
Abby But you've known me your whole life.
But you've known me your whole life.
Abby When you were little and alone...
When you were little and alone...
AA Abby and Scott
Santa--
[to Abby]
I can take it from here. [to Carol] Santa was always there for you. And I will be, as long as you continue to believe in me. I know I'm asking you to leave everything at home, but I can guarantee you that this is worth it. This place... This place is all about magic and love... and wonder. And occasionally, a thin-crust pizza and a movie and a long winter night.
Yeah, we have one, a school, the elves need a new principal. Cause as of late some of the elves have been acting a bit impish. Carol, I love you.
Abby I will.
Thank you. I've got it from here. I will.
Well, maybe if you spent more time with your son, there would be fewer problems.
Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend more time with you. It's always such a pleasure.
Oh, a battle of wits. It's a shame that you came unarmed. Excuse me.
P Picardo
[stopped by Carol Newman]
Good morning, Principal Newman.
Mr. Picardo, I want you to look into my eyes. What do you see?
P Picardo
It's dark... and it's cold.
It's your future, Mr. Picardo. Keep this up, and you will spend the rest of your life stabbing trash by the highway. Do I make myself clear?
So, what are you going to do?
P Picardo
I'm going straight to 3rd-period geometry.
