The Santa Clause 2 2002 quotes, page 2

37 quotes · 10 characters
The Santa Clause 2 (2002) poster
Characters
Scott Tim Allen · 14 quotes
Toy Santa Tim Allen · 14 quotes
Bernard David Krumholtz · 8 quotes
Curtis Spencer Breslin · 6 quotes
Charlie Eric Lloyd · 5 quotes
Elf 3 quotes
Easter Bunny Jay Thomas · 2 quotes
Mother Nature Aisha Tyler · 2 quotes
Tracy Molly Shannon · 1 quote

Most scenes together: Scott & Carol (6), Bernard & Curtis (4), Bernard & Toy Santa (3)

The Santa Clause 2 quotes

Page 2 of 3

Santa? Santa? Are you with us?

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.

Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.

Tooth Fairy

Hear, hear.

What a lovely place.

Cupid

Hear, hear.

And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. [bangs gavel] Tooth Fairy.

Tooth Fairy

Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to again propose a new name for myself.

Oh, please!

Cupid

Come on!

Good heavens!

Tooth Fairy
[everyone mumbles]

In the past, you have rejected Tooth Man, Tooth Guy and Tooth.

Cupid

Because they stunk.

Tooth Fairy

Today, I'd like to submit...Captain Floss...

Cupid

Nice!

Tooth Fairy

...Plaque Man...

D'oh!

Tooth Fairy

...and Roy.

Cupid
[laughs ironically]

Roy. No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.

Tooth Fairy

This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.

Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? The Moleinator.

Tooth Fairy

The Moleinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Moleinator? [raises his hand]

All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? [Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands] All right. And all opposed? [Mother Nature and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand] Easter Bunny? [Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down] Sandman?

Sandman
[snorts]

What? What-What happened? Was I asleep again?

Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes or no?

Sandman

No. I'm sorry.

All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.

OK. Well, first off, welcome you all to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.

Oh! I love Charlie.

Father Time

Great kid.

Good boy.

Sandman

Sweet kid.

Tooth Fairy

Good teeth.

Well, Charlie... got himself on the naughty list.

Tooth Fairy
[shocked]

What?

[shocked]

Oh, my.

I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, 'cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also got to try to take care of Charlie--

Sandman

That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.

Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.

Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.

Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.

What?!

The de-Santification process has already begun.

Wait a minute. [hops to Santa] You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?

Everyone

You're right. You're right.

Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.

Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.

No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--

Father Time

27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.

Father Time

It's what I do. [chuckles]

Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.

Cupid

What do you need, pal?

Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?

Cupid

All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.

Why not?

Cupid

'Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, and met a nice girl. Left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.

Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.

I don't want to stop being Santa Claus.

Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.

Tooth Fairy

He's absolutely right.

This is all I want to do. Well, what am I gonna do?

Father Time

Well, you-- You can't be two places at once.

That's weird, isn't it?

Puppets

Uh-oh!

These fit yesterday, didn't they?

Abby

Hot cocoa for you, Santa.

This is not a good time, Abby.

Abby

I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.

What's the bad news?

Abby
[smiling]

What do you mean?

Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and he gives Santa the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?

Abby

Just don't shoot the messenger. [Santa opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's... Charlie.

Sheen? I thought he straightened out?

Abby

Not that Charlie.

My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?

Puppets
[shocked]

AAAAAAH! [they hide]

This is-- There's gotta be a mistake.

Abby

We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.

How could this happen? Is this what you were trying to tell me?

Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.

I can't have the meeting here. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.

Number two, tell him now.

Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.

Santa, there's a clause.

Yeah, and that would be me.

No, I mean there's another Santa clause.

Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".

Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.

Puppets

Get on with it!

When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.

Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?

But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!

Wow. One mistake in 900 years.

Look.

I-I can't see that.

Better now?

Uh...

Or now?

Well...

Better now?

It's gettin' there.

Or now?

I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love... Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...Matrimony"?! I gotta get married!

Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.

[the puppets hum "The Wedding March".]

What if I don't want to get married? [he starts getting thinner]

Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!

The de-Santification? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married... I don't get to be Santa any more? [worried] Wh-- What about the kids? W-- What about the elves? What a-- What about you guys?

It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.

Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?

28 days.

28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.

Actually, Christmas Eve.

I guess it's over.

No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do... then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock.] [surprised] Whoa.

Christmas is getting very complicated.

[singing]

♪ Dashing through the snow in a strip-mining machine. Flatten the hills we go. ♪ Come on! Put a smile on that face, little troll! Wait a minute. I got a joke. This'll cheer you up. Knock, knock!

Elf

Who's there?

Aren't you.

Elf

"Aren't you" who?

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GET BACK TO WORK?! All of you, you little idiots! Back to work!

It's Scott, isn't it?

Yeah. What are you supposed to be?

A better, stronger version of what you used to be. With a Flawless complexion, I might add. Look, it just glistens.

Listen to me, I'm back now. So untie us. Let the elves go and give me back the coat.

(muttering and inhales)

NO CAN DO! It's Christmas Eve! I have coal to deliver! And I don't want those naughty kids to suffer! (laughs)

[Comet grunts about the lights not being straight.]

What do you mean it's not straight? [Comet grunts] Sure it's straight.

Comet
[grunting]

Uh-uh.

Maybe your head's crooked. [Comet grunts in protest.] You know, Prancer's not this picky.

Comet
[grunting]

Yes, he is.

Lucy

Hi, Comet!

Comet
[grunting; happily]

Hi!

Lucy
[Scott shushes Comet silently]

I've got something for you.

Hey, Lucy, what have you got there? [Lucy unwraps out a Christmas-themed Crunch Bar] Oh, you gotta be careful with the sweets: He tends to overeat.

Lucy

Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?

What? Why would you ask me something like that?

Lucy

'Cause you have a reindeer, and only Santa has reindeer.

Nonsense. A lot of people have reindeer.

Lucy

Name five.

Well... most of them live in Finland, but I can't pronounce their names. [Comet stares at Scott] Besides, reindeer are too stupid to make good pets. [Comet scowls at Scott]

Lucy

Well, I think you're very smart. [Comet licks her, and she giggles]

[going on a date]

A needlepoint sweater and a mini-van. I'll be back in about 8 minutes.

[last lines]

Hey! What the heck are we doing out here? Ugh! Look, if we're gonna dance, dance like this. All of us! Everybody, you idiots! Hey, lady! Have you ever seen a toy do this? Hahahaha! Where are you going? Whoo!