Toy Santa The town will break our fall.
More lines from Toy Santa
6 quotes Toy Santa Toy Santa Hi! Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!
Toy Santa [after drinking hot cocoa]
I think Santa feels a little buzz!
Toy Santa Let me outta here, you kiddies! Wait a minute, something's shocking me.
Toy Santa I promise I'll be good!
Toy Santa [last lines]
Hey! What the heck are we doing out here? Ugh! Look, if we're gonna dance, dance like this. All of us! Everybody, you idiots! Hey, lady! Have you ever seen a toy do this? Hahahaha! Where are you going? Whoo!
Scenes with Toy Santa
7 scenes Santa That's weird, isn't it?
Puppets
Uh-oh!
Santa These fit yesterday, didn't they?
Abby Hot cocoa for you, Santa.
This is not a good time, Abby.
Abby I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
Santa What's the bad news?
Abby [smiling]
What do you mean?
Santa Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and he gives Santa the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?
Abby Just don't shoot the messenger. [Santa opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's... Charlie.
Santa Sheen? I thought he straightened out?
Abby Not that Charlie.
Santa My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
Puppets
[shocked]
AAAAAAH! [they hide]
Santa This is-- There's gotta be a mistake.
Abby We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.
Santa How could this happen? Is this what you were trying to tell me?
Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.
Santa I can't have the meeting here. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.
Number two, tell him now.
Santa Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.
Santa, there's a clause.
Santa Yeah, and that would be me.
No, I mean there's another Santa clause.
Santa Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".
Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
Puppets
Get on with it!
When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
Santa Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?
But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!
Wow. One mistake in 900 years.
Look.
Santa I-I can't see that.
Better now?
Santa Uh...
Or now?
Santa Well...
Better now?
Santa It's gettin' there.
Or now?
Santa I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love... Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...Matrimony"?! I gotta get married!
Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.
Santa [the puppets hum "The Wedding March".]
What if I don't want to get married? [he starts getting thinner]
Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!
Santa The de-Santification? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married... I don't get to be Santa any more? [worried] Wh-- What about the kids? W-- What about the elves? What a-- What about you guys?
It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.
Santa Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?
28 days.
Santa 28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.
Actually, Christmas Eve.
Santa I guess it's over.
No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do... then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock.] [surprised] Whoa.
Santa Christmas is getting very complicated.
Santa? Santa? Are you with us?
Santa Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.
Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.
Tooth Fairy Hear, hear.
What a lovely place.
Cupid Hear, hear.
And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. [bangs gavel] Tooth Fairy.
Tooth Fairy Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to again propose a new name for myself.
Oh, please!
Cupid Come on!
Good heavens!
Tooth Fairy [everyone mumbles]
In the past, you have rejected Tooth Man, Tooth Guy and Tooth.
Cupid Because they stunk.
Tooth Fairy Today, I'd like to submit...Captain Floss...
Cupid Nice!
Tooth Fairy ...Plaque Man...
D'oh!
Tooth Fairy ...and Roy.
Cupid [laughs ironically]
Roy. No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.
Tooth Fairy This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.
Santa Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? The Moleinator.
Tooth Fairy The Moleinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Moleinator? [raises his hand]
All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? [Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands] All right. And all opposed? [Mother Nature and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand] Easter Bunny? [Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down] Sandman?
Sandman
[snorts]
What? What-What happened? Was I asleep again?
Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes or no?
Sandman
No. I'm sorry.
All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.
Santa OK. Well, first off, welcome you all to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.
Oh! I love Charlie.
Father Time Great kid.
Good boy.
Sandman
Sweet kid.
Tooth Fairy Good teeth.
Santa Well, Charlie... got himself on the naughty list.
Tooth Fairy [shocked]
What?
Santa I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, 'cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also got to try to take care of Charlie--
Sandman
That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.
Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.
Santa Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.
Hmm?
Santa Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.
What?!
No!
Santa The de-Santification process has already begun.
Wait a minute. [hops to Santa] You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?
Everyone
You're right. You're right.
Santa Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.
Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.
Santa No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--
Father Time 27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.
Wow.
Father Time It's what I do. [chuckles]
Santa Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.
Cupid What do you need, pal?
Santa Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?
Cupid All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
Santa Why not?
Cupid 'Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, and met a nice girl. Left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.
Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.
Santa I don't want to stop being Santa Claus.
Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.
Tooth Fairy He's absolutely right.
Santa This is all I want to do. Well, what am I gonna do?
Father Time Well, you-- You can't be two places at once.
Toy Santa [singing]
♪ Dashing through the snow in a strip-mining machine. Flatten the hills we go. ♪ Come on! Put a smile on that face, little troll! Wait a minute. I got a joke. This'll cheer you up. Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Toy Santa Aren't you.
"Aren't you" who?
Toy Santa AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GET BACK TO WORK?! All of you, you little idiots! Back to work!
Toy Santa It's Scott, isn't it?
Yeah. What are you supposed to be?
Toy Santa A better, stronger version of what you used to be. With a Flawless complexion, I might add. Look, it just glistens.
Listen to me, I'm back now. So untie us. Let the elves go and give me back the coat.
Toy Santa (muttering and inhales)
NO CAN DO! It's Christmas Eve! I have coal to deliver! And I don't want those naughty kids to suffer! (laughs)
Nega-Santa
Welcome to the future.
Santa Ho-oh!
Oh, really?
Yeah.
This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.
Toy Santa [while reading the contents of handbook of rules]
Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list.
No.
Toy Santa Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice.
Santa already checked it.
Toy Santa No, I didn't.
The real Santa.
Toy Santa I am the real Santa.
I'm sorry?
Toy Santa I'm in charge here.
What?
Toy Santa I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.
I think you're misunderstanding something.
Toy Santa No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.
Toy Santa [wearing an admiral uniform]
Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. [the elves stopped working] Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.
Elves
[confused]
What? Huh?
Toy Santa The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!
Elves
[shocked]
Coal?!
Toy Santa Quiet!
Toy Santa We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. [an elf hands him a horn] Thank you, sweetie. [chuckles] I-- I hate to blow my own horn. [blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves]
Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
Back! Back, back, back!
Toy Santa I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!
Not Santa?!
He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy! [while being held hostage by the toy soldiers] Ohh! Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!
Toy Santa [sarcastically]
Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding...have a...a joyous and merry Christmas! [The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts] Merry Christmas!
