N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Santa: That's weird, isn't it?
Puppets: Uh-oh!
Santa: These fit yesterday, didn't they?
Abby: Hot cocoa for you, Santa.
Bernard: This is not a good time, Abby.
Abby: I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
Santa: What's the bad news?
Abby: [smiling] What do you mean?
Santa: Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and he gives Santa the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?
Abby: Just don't shoot the messenger. [Santa opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's... Charlie.
Santa: Sheen? I thought he straightened out?
Abby: Not that Charlie.
Santa: My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
Puppets: [shocked] AAAAAAH! [they hide]
Santa: This is-- There's gotta be a mistake.
Abby: We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.
Santa: How could this happen? Is this what you were trying to tell me?
Curtis: Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.
Santa: I can't have the meeting here. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.
Bernard: Number two, tell him now.
Santa: Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.
Curtis: Santa, there's a clause.
Santa: Yeah, and that would be me.
Curtis: No, I mean there's another Santa clause.
Santa: Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".
Curtis: Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
Puppets: Get on with it!
Curtis: When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
Santa: Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?
Bernard: But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!
Curtis: Wow. One mistake in 900 years.
Bernard: Look.
Santa: I-I can't see that.
Bernard: Better now?
Santa: Uh...
Bernard: Or now?
Santa: Well...
Bernard: Better now?
Santa: It's gettin' there.
Bernard: Or now?
Santa: I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love... Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...Matrimony"?! I gotta get married!
Bernard: Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.
[the puppets hum "The Wedding March".]
Santa: What if I don't want to get married? [he starts getting thinner]
Curtis: Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!
Santa: The de-Santification? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married... I don't get to be Santa any more? [worried] Wh-- What about the kids? W-- What about the elves? What a-- What about you guys?
Bernard: It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.
Santa: Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?
Curtis: 28 days.
Santa: 28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.
Curtis: Actually, Christmas Eve.
Santa: I guess it's over.
Curtis: No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do... then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock.] [surprised] Whoa.
Santa: Christmas is getting very complicated.
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