Bernard Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
More lines from Bernard
1 quote Bernard Scenes with Bernard
6 scenes
That's weird, isn't it?
Puppets
Uh-oh!
These fit yesterday, didn't they?
Abby Hot cocoa for you, Santa.
Bernard This is not a good time, Abby.
Abby I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
What's the bad news?
Abby [smiling]
What do you mean?
Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and he gives Santa the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?
Abby Just don't shoot the messenger. [Santa opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's... Charlie.
Sheen? I thought he straightened out?
Abby Not that Charlie.
My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
Puppets
[shocked]
AAAAAAH! [they hide]
This is-- There's gotta be a mistake.
Abby We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.
How could this happen? Is this what you were trying to tell me?
Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.
I can't have the meeting here. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.
Bernard Number two, tell him now.
Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.
Santa, there's a clause.
Yeah, and that would be me.
No, I mean there's another Santa clause.
Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".
Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
Puppets
Get on with it!
When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?
Bernard But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!
Wow. One mistake in 900 years.
Bernard Look.
I-I can't see that.
Bernard Better now?
Uh...
Bernard Or now?
Well...
Bernard Better now?
It's gettin' there.
Bernard Or now?
I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love... Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...Matrimony"?! I gotta get married!
Bernard Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.
[the puppets hum "The Wedding March".]
What if I don't want to get married? [he starts getting thinner]
Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!
The de-Santification? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married... I don't get to be Santa any more? [worried] Wh-- What about the kids? W-- What about the elves? What a-- What about you guys?
Bernard It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.
Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?
28 days.
28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.
Actually, Christmas Eve.
I guess it's over.
No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do... then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock.] [surprised] Whoa.
Christmas is getting very complicated.
Bernard OK, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?
Chet?
Bernard Yeah. He's still in training.
How much flight time has he had?
Bernard About a minute and a half.
Yeah but he's had a lotta crash time.
Curtis.
He's just a baby.
Bernard Where are you going?
You know this, Number One. Its Christmas. I've got to deliver gifts.
Bernard Aren't you forgetting something?
No.
Bernard You gotta get married.
Excuse me?
Carol, I... I cannot continue being Santa...unless I find a Mrs. Claus.
Oh. So that's what the whole noodles and pie thing...You just needed to find a wife.
No.
No?
Yes.
Yes?
Yes, I was looking for a wife. No, I didn't figure on falling... in love.
You love me? This is all happening so fast.
Well, there's no pressure.
Good.
I just won't deliver the gifts and children everywhere will stop believing, the elves will lose their jobs, the North Pole will disappear and Christmas will be gone.
Abby Get down on one knee.
Hm?
Abby Do it. Now. Say "Carol."
Carol.
Uh-huh? Yeah?
Abby You say this is happening all so fast.
You say this is happening all so fast.
Abby But you've known me your whole life.
But you've known me your whole life.
Abby When you were little and alone...
When you were little and alone...
Abby and Scott
Santa--
[to Abby]
I can take it from here. [to Carol] Santa was always there for you. And I will be, as long as you continue to believe in me. I know I'm asking you to leave everything at home, but I can guarantee you that this is worth it. This place... This place is all about magic and love... and wonder. And occasionally, a thin-crust pizza and a movie and a long winter night.
Is there a school here?
Yeah, we have one, a school, the elves need a new principal. Cause as of late some of the elves have been acting a bit impish. Carol, I love you.
You do?
Will you be my wife?
Abby I will.
Thank you. I've got it from here. I will.
Bernard Oh, really?
Yeah.
Bernard This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.
[while reading the contents of handbook of rules]
Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list.
Bernard No.
Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice.
Bernard Santa already checked it.
No, I didn't.
Bernard The real Santa.
I am the real Santa.
Bernard I'm sorry?
I'm in charge here.
Bernard What?
I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.
Bernard I think you're misunderstanding something.
No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.
[wearing an admiral uniform]
Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. [the elves stopped working] Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.
Elves
[confused]
What? Huh?
The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!
Elves
[shocked]
Coal?!
Quiet!
We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. [an elf hands him a horn] Thank you, sweetie. [chuckles] I-- I hate to blow my own horn. [blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves]
Bernard Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
Back! Back, back, back!
I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!
Bernard [can't handle the lies]
Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!
Not Santa?!
Bernard He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy! [while being held hostage by the toy soldiers] Ohh! Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!
[sarcastically]
Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding...have a...a joyous and merry Christmas! [The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts] Merry Christmas!
Bernard [The elves are being confronted by the toy soldiers in the courtyard] [to the elves]
Snowballs on the count of 3! 1... [the elves drop to their knees and make snowballs] ...2... [elves aim their snowballs] ...3!
[Bernard and the elves throw their snowballs at the toy soldiers like crazy]
