David Krumholtz movie quotes

View Quote Joel: [dressed like Gomez] How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing.

View Quote Joel: Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Wednesday: What?
Joel: I die.

View Quote Wednesday: Do you believe in the existence of evil?
Joel: Well, did you met my mom?
Wednesday: My uncle Fester's about to get married to this woman in a white uniform.
Joel: A radiologist.
Wednesday: A nanny.

View Quote The shit hath hiteth the fan... eth.

View Quote I have a dick on my face, don't I?

View Quote I'm thinking about getting a Tercel. Yup, that's a Toyota.

View Quote [to Curtis; frustrated] Curtis, you're 900-years-old. Grow up!

View Quote Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!

View Quote [The elves are being confronted by the toy soldiers in the courtyard]
Bernard: [to the elves] Snowballs on the count of 3! 1... [the elves drop to their knees and make snowballs] ...2... [elves aim their snowballs] ...3!
[Bernard and the elves throw their snowballs at the toy soldiers like crazy]

View Quote You drop a bomb, it falls on the just and unjust. I don't wish for the culmination for three centuries of physics to be a weapon of mass destruction.

View Quote [to Oppenheimer] When you speak, they hear a prophet. When Strauss speaks, they hear themselves...a prophet can’t be wrong. Not once.

View Quote An H-bomb would be one thousand times the power of an A-bomb.
The only intended target would be the largest cities.
It’s a weapon of mass genocide.

View Quote They can't stop the signal, Mal. They can never stop the signal.

View Quote Bring it on, bring it on, bring it on. From here to the eyes and the ears of the 'verse, that's my motto. Or at least it would be, if I start having a motto.

View Quote It was a very beautiful ceremony. Lenore wrote her own vows. I cried. Like a baby. A hungry, angry baby.

View Quote Lavash: Get away from me. Don't touch me. It was YOU! You cocksucking bagel ****face!
Cereal: Hey, watch it!
Lavash: You pushed me out of the cart! No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed YOU? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda which even that I didn't push, you know? I passive-aggressively nudged. I reached out in a panic. It was Toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me!
Brenda: Hey, I was just trying to save Frank.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is YOURS then, huh?
Frank: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Lavash: Well, it did, and now you and your stupid useless bun have **** us all!
Brenda: Hey, who are you calling useless, you flappy ****?
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Brenda: UGH! [Prepares to fight Lavash, but Sammy holds her back]
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener **** over here.

View Quote [Teresa Del Taco has Brenda, Lavash, and Sammy hide in the Mexican Bar's tight closet with her]
Tequila: [walks inside] Okay, I got them right here, amigo. I-- "SHIT!" [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
Lavash: [squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.] Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: "Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey, why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
Brenda: [gasps] Who?
Teresa: The one they call... El Dou-che. [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
Mexican Food Product 1: [quietly] El Dou-che.
Mexican Food Product 2: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Mexican Food Product 3: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So, you dragged me over to this **** aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So, where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Refried Beans: Qué?
Douche: Beans, I swear to **** God if you don't shut the **** up!
Brenda: [looks out from the closet] Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here!
Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll **** kill your asses" did you not understand, Tequila?!
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
Douche: [calms down] Ah, bro, come here, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something **** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
Salsa: No way! José!
Douche: YES WAY! José's **** dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and get stronger muscles]
Teresa Del Taco: [watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids] Madre puta, madre puta. [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
El Guaco: Ay! Right in my guac and balls!
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the SAUSAGE and the bun!

View Quote Frank: Nobody's gonna help us.
Brenda: Then, this is it.
Barry: At least we go out together.
[They all grab hands as they're ready to die]
Fat Man: [yells as he gets hit by a ladle thrown by Lavash] OW! What the...?
Lavash: You **** with them...
Sammy Bagel Jr.: You **** with us, bitch! [Lavash keeps throwing ladles at the fat man.] Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum: Hop on, y'all.

View Quote Scott: Hey, Barabbas.
Bernard: Bernard!
Scott: Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?

View Quote Bernard: You put the "P" in the nice kids and a "C" in the naughty kids.
Scott: "P" and "C"?
Charlie: Yeah. P is for presents and C is for coals. Right, Bernard?
Bernard: Right, sport.

View Quote Bernard: The Santa Clause: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.
Scott: What does that mean?
Bernard: Means you put on the suit, you're the Big Guy.
Scott: I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard: [lividly] Try to understand this!
Elves: Ooh...
Bernard: [calmly] Let me explain something to you, okay? Toys have to be delivered. I'm not gonna do it. It's not my job. I'm just an elf. It's Santa's job, but Santa fell off the roof. Your roof. You read the card. You put on the suit. That clearly falls under the Santa Clause, so now you're Santa. Okay?

View Quote Goldstein: This movie makes no sense. She's possessed, she's not possessed; that rack had better be stacked. Oh! Tits! Those aren't real. Yes, they are!

View Quote Rosenberg: I think Kumar's a "fay-gele".
Goldstein: Oh, they're totally gay for each other.
Rosenberg: Hey, you wanna suck on this?
[offers Goldstein a marijuana smoking device]
Goldstein: Uh-huh. Mmm.

View Quote Kumar: How were Katie Holmes' tits?
Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?
Kumar: Yeah?
Goldstein: Picture the opposite of that!
Kumar: Nice!